I like the fact that I know nothing about him

[Abstract]

In my opinion, regardless of how little or much is shared, it should always only be info that is shared to help the client. Carefully selected relevant info. Everything that ends up in therapy should be about the client. If a therapist is giving any information about themselves for their own gain or comfort then that is a bad therapist.

For some therapists and clients that would be no info about the therapist and others it may be quite a lot at times. I don't think info is necessarily what creates an over attached therapy situation. It is poor boundaries and maybe the clients attachment patterns. When the client starts feeling responsible for the therapist and as if therapy isn't ultimately about them then there is a problem.

Its hard to describe but there is a difference when something is shared for the therapist own therapy/gain and when it is shared for the client. We feel it. It has a different energy.

Personally none of my many therapists have shared anything except one near the end of our therapy together after issues developed. Only a couple of facts. I ended up doing therapy in her house and that wasn't ideal. I accidently found out things I would rather not have known. I am extremely untrusting and vigilient in therapy so its possible that a few well thought out bits of info could be helpful but I'm unsure. So far it hasn't been so.

 

[frogthroat]

My therapist is a grandma. She's much older than me and although she shares stuff about herself she's completely professional about it.
I notice she talks about herself more when she's prompting me to tell her what I need in an actual session and not through text. As I unlearn helplessness an important part of therapy is actually communicating my feelings directly. She knows how to get me to do this. This is her way of not treating me like a child either and I'm actually learning how to better communicate with the back and forth.

 

[Thea Bea]

I’m very interested in following this thread as I don’t have enough experience to know which option would be most effective.

My current T is the only T I’ve ever had and I’ve been seeing her for 4 years or so. I know quite a few things about her...what she did before she was a T, her boyfriend’s name and occupation, stuff about her cat, the town she lives in, where she goes on holiday, some past health things...they’re little snippets...not huge overshares by her, I don’t think, and it’s never been in a sense of focus of sessions being on her not me...

I think she shares little things to help build relationship, and I think that’s what happened with me...I was absolutely terrified at the start and her decision to share some things about herself made it easier for me to see her as human and to feel more comfortable with her...to build trust, rapport, relationship and for me to also open up and share things about me, which I don’t find easy to do. So, I think this warmer, relational, more sharey approach helped me on that front.

As you say though, having that warmer, more relational, more personal feeling connection has certainly has its pitfalls in my experience. There have been times when the relationship has just felt like such a head f*ck...attachment stuff, abandonment feelings, feeling attached to her and loving that in one way but finding it incredibly painful and confusing in other ways etc.

I do sometimes wonder if I would do better with someone detached who didn’t share anything about themselves. Because then there would be less intimacy. It would feel less intimate. And that would feel a lot easier, I think. To not feel like we have a relationship at all, really.

My gut feeling is that I would find that too cold and terrifying and that I wouldn’t be able to feel comfortable with them or open up. But maybe it would be ok and would just let me avoid the more confusing/painful relational stuff?

There again, perhaps the fact that I feel the painful/confusing stuff and that I experience such a push/pull in terms of my attachment to her...maybe that suggests I will benefit more from someone more relational (like my T) who can help me work on that stuff with her?

Ha! It’s a confusing topic for me, as you can probably tell with my rambling reply!

Would be interested to hear others’ thoughts on this.

Main thing though - I’m really pleased that things seem to be working out for you with your new T!
Just curious: did you deliberately start with this new T because you knew you wanted a more detached approach? Was it your intention to move to a deliberately more professional relationship? Or is that just how it’s turned out?

My T never shares anything about herself, yet we are very connected. I think it's her empathy.