Childhood I Must Know Why

[lostforgottensoul]

I must know why
Before you die
I must know
Before you go

Why did you let him do
What he pleased with me, I know you knew
I was only six
Doing whatever to get their kicks

When i should have been watching Mickey mouse
I was forced to play house
Doing things i didnt yet understand
And what you had planned

I must know why
Before you die
I must know
Before you go

Did you care when i was sent out to "work"
Seducing men, not knowing i was only 12 as their eyes lerked
Did you care about the animal lives you made me take?
Their screams, their eyes, oh god the ache

Their screams will never leave my head
Until the day that im dead
Their blank black stare
Did you care?

I must know why
Before you die
I must know
Before you go

Did you care that your youngest kid
Was punished until i gave in
Being drowned and cut and burned inside
I had to go away in my head to stay alive

What was the purpose of it all?
The things that i saw
Animals being sacrifced
They certianly paid the price

I must know why
Before you die
I must know
Before you go

All the men that had their way
You had nothing good to say
"Working" to satisfy you
"Because god said to"

I was your target for all the bad things you wanted to do
I could never please you
I was the worst person that ever lived
Not a good word could you give

I must know why
Before you die
I must know
Before you go

Now today i sit here
While you are dying over there
Im healing all the wounds caused by you two
It is what i must do, because of you

And i wonder, do you care
How was this fair?
Do you think about me
And what i turned out to be?

Do you love me at all?
Or do you think i will be forever in a freefall?
The cult ran me
But today im becoming free

You dont control me anymore
Ive walked through that door
That leads to healing
And allow myself that feeling

Im free from your cult
And all that comes as a result
Healing all that comes
And picking up all the little crumbs

You caused so much pain
But what did you gain?
I am stronger now
What you wouldnt allow

I dont need to know why
Before you die
I want you to see
That now i stand free

 

[lostforgottensoul]

This seriously could be a rap song.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My therapist really REALLY liked this. He says that it was strong, powerful, freeing and a bit rebelious and thats a good thing. He agreed that it shows the corner im turning in ripping the remainder of myself from my mom, the cult, and the power she and it still has over me. I havent fully taken that power back but Im proving to myself that I can and am doing it.

He really liked the turn in the middle and says that represents the turn away from her and the cult im doing. Needless to say he loved it; more than any other ive done.

 

[Heather]

Very powerful words indeed.