I Posted On The Other Forum, And Was Sent Here

[tiredx10]

We've been married 16 years, and in the Army all that time. My husband returned last August from Afghanistan, and has done 4 tours to Iraq as well=5 tours. 2 6 month, 1 18 month, and 2 year. He also did Korea and was there as 911 happened. So basically, he has been back and forth in our life for well over a decade.

Every time my husband comes home, I lose a piece of him. This time, I am not sure there is any of him left. He self selected for suicide screening right before his last deployment and was told "go to your happy place" by his psychologist and so now refuses to go get help.

• He never sleeps, I mean seriously never sleeps. He is up for days on end until he passes out.
• He throws total tyrades over nothing. The most ridiculous example: the dog licked his hand while he was tying his shoe for pt and he threw into a rage and ripped my entire bedroom apart. I can't so much as hold an adult conversation without him flying into a tyrade and speeding off. I am running out of things for him to break.
• He drinks excessively. First it was weekends, then every night. I finally said "no more drinking" about 3 weeks ago and since then the anger and spasticness are 10 fold.
• As an E7 he is the NCOIC, so its not like I can go to his chain of command without going to his first sargeant.
• He can't remember anything. He carries around a notepad and writes everything down, and it is like having a third child. He must be repeatedly reminded of everything.

I have been to a psychologist. I even had him put me on meds a few years ago for anxiety because I woulg get panic attacks everytime he was coming home from work, just knowing..."here it comes". I was finally able to be worked off meds and haven't been on any for two years. I am in a good stable place personally, about to finish grad school, but every day...every day I wait for this cloud of doom and gloom to come rolling in.

What can I say or do to encourage him to seek help, because I have tried everything and nothing works. I am sitting here staring at our chaplains phone number. I have never asked for help from the Army once in 16 years, Korea or 5 deployments....but I am really in need of help.

We have a 15 year old and a 10 year old. My 15 year old says "it is better when Dad isn't home". My 10 year old calls my husband's tantrums, episodes whatever you want to call them...."Daddy being crazy soldier".

I keep thinking someday this will all be over...but someday never comes.

 

[Redheaded Stranger]

Dearest Tiredx10,

Sometimes it takes reaching our wits end, to reach out. And you have. Most of us found this site in desperation and have found ..... so much. I wish I could tell you how coming here makes me feel and the insight I have gained, but you'll figure that out for yourself.

Please know that you are welcome here. And you are safe here. Please read, read read. There is so much information already on this site and chances are some of the threads deal with some of your interests.

Once you are ready to post, we have a supporters forum (we have been dubbed and embrace the term "harpie"), in which you'll find support and those in similar shoes. In the other areas, you'll find Veterans with warm hearts, a sense of humor and a willingness to help. We leave the Combat (Members Only) forum to the Veterans so they have a safe place to vent without our input. If you have a specific question for Veterans, you might put it in the Treatment or Anger or other applicable threads. Stand At The Bar is a place to get out of your own head for awhile.

Anyway, welcome. We harpies love our Veterans too and will do what we can to help both of you.

Red

 

[Ned]

Well I think you have come to the right place. There are people here who will be more help than me but I thought I'd answer fast to let you know. What you've described is what I was, but it will get better.
All the best and you will get a lot of good advice & support, honest.

 

[wife of]

If you feel the time has come that you or your children may be in danger then ring that number hunny.-f you think you are safe then it might be time to use a few discreet hints to get him thinking,leaflets on the coffee table , leaving the homepage for this site up on the computer screen etc,will try and help more as we get to know each other on here.stick around and wade through the ample reading material it is invaluable.....Sue (uk)

 

[Jimmy1]

Welcome to the forum. Just so you know, that your intro is basically the norm for every veteran. Not that it makes you any more comfortable about it. My son is now just turning 14 and he can tell stories of them running and hiding, making sure their rooms were spotless, and keeping out of my way when I came home.
So your not alone. There are probably more partners on here than veterans at times.

I have told many a partner/spouse/carer/supporter the same thing. You, unfortunately cannot help him until he decides to help himself. Its like him being an alcoholic, a gambler, or a drug addict. They have to admit to themselves first.
He will be scared. There is still a stigma attached to PTSD, especially combat related. As he has been in the military so long, he would have seen many a soldier go by the wayside because of it and may view it as a sign of weakness.
He may not know that if he gets help, he can continue to serve.

I was an E7 equivalent in the Australian Army, and going to his First Sergeant would be a bad idea. However; to protect your marriage, or whats left of it, might I suggest the Chaplain would be a great idea to start or someone else discreet. If you go to his chain of command it would only wind him up even more. By going to the Chaplain, they can make discreet inquiries which will go over the First SGT's head.

My personal opinion would be to wait until one of those quiet moments which I can tell there may not be many. Then tell him you have been on a Combat PTSD website. Also tell him you have researched and read heaps and feel he may be suffering a little from it. Tell him that you have chatted via the forum to other veterans around the world who have been in combat.

You are obviously a very strong person to last this long. My wife could not live with it and found comfort somewhere else and left. I don't blame her.

Just so you know, things may even get worse before they get better. But once he can get on some medication to quieten his mind and then learn the tools to help manage his disorder he will start being a better person.
He will never be the person you married though. But he can become a good person again.

Personally, I don't think you and the children are in any physical danger. He probably verbally abuses you and the children and breaks things as his outlet. This is because he cannot control his head anymore. And being someone of a relatively high non-commissioned rank that is not cool to be out of control. So its a mixture of military conditioning and PTSD all rolled into a proud man who has served his country well.

I am still coming to terms with that hurdle and it has been four years since I was diagnosed. I used to be someone. People called me 'Sir'. I did not have to wait around for appointments. Then all of a sudden they kicked me out and left me on the kerb so to speak.

There is a nice man in there honey, and you must have really thick skin and love him heaps to have survived this long.

In case you have not read these articles, have a read and when your husband is not around explain to the children, that way they will have a little understanding.

Anyway, enough of my rambling. Here are the links.

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Jimmy

 

[Wagon]

Hello,

Jimmy's mention of chaplains in this situation is a very good idea.

Chaplains saved my ship from mutiny in the 80's, no kidding. Long story, but maybe some day.

Military Chaplains really know how to thread the needle in this case. They are specially trained for this.

Which reminds me. I have to look up my old chaplain. That guy was the MAN.

Wagon.

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Welcome tiredx10,

there's no place better than this for sound advice and support. We're all learning!!
Learning how to live with Combat PTSD wont be easy for either of you but it is worth it.
Things can improve :tup: