C
Cagobo
Okay I never thought I'd post this online but I know it's unhealthy to keep this in. So basically as a child my half brother would constantly abuse me. Feels disgusting to type but he would pretend he was playing a 'game' with me. He is about 13 years older than me btw. So we would mess about playing, but he would always make me lay face down on the bed. I remember trying to face the other way around but he would force me to stay down.
He would then take off my socks and masturbate himself with my feet/legs and wouldn't let me look. He would pretend it was just his thumb and as a child I believed this. But one time my sister came in and he straight away stopped and looked embarrassed. That's when i realised something was wrong.(My sister didn't see). So I stopped playing games with him and tried to avoid him. But it was and still is hard as he is family. At 14 he had moved into his own place. I was there with my other siblings but was in the spare room up stairs. He came in and again wouldn't let me get up from the bed and was touching my leg and feet and even licked me. He didn't masturbate this time as I was old enough to know what it was. But I just remember feeling so scared and disgusting.
Now I'm 19. He visits once a week and I feel uncomfortable around him. I will avoid going home if he is the only one home. He would ask me to stand on his back saying he had a back pain. But i know it was perverse as he would want me to do it bare foot.
He does get along well with my family and the weird thing is I get along with him too. Sometimes I forget it happens. He is nice to me and is actually protective of me even though he is the one who hurt me most. My family have no idea. Sometimes over Christmas or a special occasion he will sleep round the house.. But in my room as I have a spare bed. I hate it so much I can't sleep and wear head to toe in clothes. He wouldn't do anything but even now he will find an excuse to touch my feet or squeeze me. And I hate my feet because of him they feel dirty and I won't let my boyfriend even touch them. I've told my boyfriend what happend but not who did it or many details. I am too scared to as he sees my brother and has no clue it's him. I don't know what to do because I feel like I should tell him but if I do I fear what will happen..? It's crazy how in a way I am protecting him by keeping his secret. I think he thinks I've forgotten everything anyway. I used to think I'm over reacting as I was never raped etc but abuse is abuse and this is impacting me more than I thought. It does impact me sexually and I find myself having bad dreams over it as well as panic attacks and anger outbursts.
Thanks for reading this far. I don't know what reply I am expecting. Maybe advice of what to do or just that you have listened. I am so close to my parents but i feel like I cannot tell them. They are close with him too and i feel like it will destroy our family. I can't see me telling my boyfriend who it was either but I feel like I should. I tell him everything but this but the idea of him knowing makes me panic. Seeing my abuser every week just reminds me of what happened.
He would then take off my socks and masturbate himself with my feet/legs and wouldn't let me look. He would pretend it was just his thumb and as a child I believed this. But one time my sister came in and he straight away stopped and looked embarrassed. That's when i realised something was wrong.(My sister didn't see). So I stopped playing games with him and tried to avoid him. But it was and still is hard as he is family. At 14 he had moved into his own place. I was there with my other siblings but was in the spare room up stairs. He came in and again wouldn't let me get up from the bed and was touching my leg and feet and even licked me. He didn't masturbate this time as I was old enough to know what it was. But I just remember feeling so scared and disgusting.
Now I'm 19. He visits once a week and I feel uncomfortable around him. I will avoid going home if he is the only one home. He would ask me to stand on his back saying he had a back pain. But i know it was perverse as he would want me to do it bare foot.
He does get along well with my family and the weird thing is I get along with him too. Sometimes I forget it happens. He is nice to me and is actually protective of me even though he is the one who hurt me most. My family have no idea. Sometimes over Christmas or a special occasion he will sleep round the house.. But in my room as I have a spare bed. I hate it so much I can't sleep and wear head to toe in clothes. He wouldn't do anything but even now he will find an excuse to touch my feet or squeeze me. And I hate my feet because of him they feel dirty and I won't let my boyfriend even touch them. I've told my boyfriend what happend but not who did it or many details. I am too scared to as he sees my brother and has no clue it's him. I don't know what to do because I feel like I should tell him but if I do I fear what will happen..? It's crazy how in a way I am protecting him by keeping his secret. I think he thinks I've forgotten everything anyway. I used to think I'm over reacting as I was never raped etc but abuse is abuse and this is impacting me more than I thought. It does impact me sexually and I find myself having bad dreams over it as well as panic attacks and anger outbursts.
Thanks for reading this far. I don't know what reply I am expecting. Maybe advice of what to do or just that you have listened. I am so close to my parents but i feel like I cannot tell them. They are close with him too and i feel like it will destroy our family. I can't see me telling my boyfriend who it was either but I feel like I should. I tell him everything but this but the idea of him knowing makes me panic. Seeing my abuser every week just reminds me of what happened.
