Let me start by saying my therapist and I have been working on my attachment issues for a while. I fall into anxious ambivalent attachment style.
My mother struggled with serious mental illness and drug dependency until she passed away from on overdose four years ago. She would often disappear for days, weeks and left for good when I was 14. Lack of supervision made me an easy target for the molester living next door..beginning at age four.
So I understand why I have such a hard time with people leaving. I am working on that. I get the "opportunity" to work on this when my therapist travels. I hate it.
What frustrates me so much is that I also struggle when I leave...for vacations and other things. I will plan trips and be so excited about it and then panic about two days before and beat myself up for making plans. I make myself go anyway. I am miserable until I get to my destination and then I ease into it and then I am grateful I made myself do it.
The weird thing is....when I am on the way home I equally freak out. Coming home is so triggering. I have so much anxiety. Getting back to the first session with my therapist is sheer torture. I will have panic attacks, dissociate and even throw up from the stress of it. However the appt is usually fine and I am always glad I went. Usually it takes about three sessions to settle back in and feel okay again.
My therapist will often send me a text or call me when I get back to town because he knows I will be in panic or run away mode until I get to that first appointment. I am always tempted to just quit and never go again. But I am always relieved to talk to him even though I am scared to death to answer the phone. The first few times I wouldn't answer the phone and would just listen to any voicemail he might leave.
Yesterday I got home from a trip and was so proud of myself because I thought I was doing better. But I was only home a short time before I was triggered and dissociating. I messaged my therapist and he called and I made myself answer and I do feel better.
I love to travel so much. I love discovering new places and being immersed in other cultures and expanding my world view but I have to figure out how to not be so miserable coming and going. It takes so much out of me and I am missing out on being fully present during these opportunities.
The fact that I ever allowed myself to get attached to my therapist at all is a miracle. But I don't like the anxiety of caring about someone.
I am capable. I have been married for 25 years. My husband travels for work and I have had enough "exposure therapy" with his business trips that I trust that he will come home. I do still have anxiety that things will be different with him when I come home.
It is worse with my therapist but I recognize that I see him as a parent figure.
Anyone else have just as much trouble coming home as they do when someone else leaves? Any coping skills you use to ease in and out of the comings and goings? I suck at this!
My mother struggled with serious mental illness and drug dependency until she passed away from on overdose four years ago. She would often disappear for days, weeks and left for good when I was 14. Lack of supervision made me an easy target for the molester living next door..beginning at age four.
So I understand why I have such a hard time with people leaving. I am working on that. I get the "opportunity" to work on this when my therapist travels. I hate it.
What frustrates me so much is that I also struggle when I leave...for vacations and other things. I will plan trips and be so excited about it and then panic about two days before and beat myself up for making plans. I make myself go anyway. I am miserable until I get to my destination and then I ease into it and then I am grateful I made myself do it.
The weird thing is....when I am on the way home I equally freak out. Coming home is so triggering. I have so much anxiety. Getting back to the first session with my therapist is sheer torture. I will have panic attacks, dissociate and even throw up from the stress of it. However the appt is usually fine and I am always glad I went. Usually it takes about three sessions to settle back in and feel okay again.
My therapist will often send me a text or call me when I get back to town because he knows I will be in panic or run away mode until I get to that first appointment. I am always tempted to just quit and never go again. But I am always relieved to talk to him even though I am scared to death to answer the phone. The first few times I wouldn't answer the phone and would just listen to any voicemail he might leave.
Yesterday I got home from a trip and was so proud of myself because I thought I was doing better. But I was only home a short time before I was triggered and dissociating. I messaged my therapist and he called and I made myself answer and I do feel better.
I love to travel so much. I love discovering new places and being immersed in other cultures and expanding my world view but I have to figure out how to not be so miserable coming and going. It takes so much out of me and I am missing out on being fully present during these opportunities.
The fact that I ever allowed myself to get attached to my therapist at all is a miracle. But I don't like the anxiety of caring about someone.
I am capable. I have been married for 25 years. My husband travels for work and I have had enough "exposure therapy" with his business trips that I trust that he will come home. I do still have anxiety that things will be different with him when I come home.
It is worse with my therapist but I recognize that I see him as a parent figure.
Anyone else have just as much trouble coming home as they do when someone else leaves? Any coping skills you use to ease in and out of the comings and goings? I suck at this!
