I Want Back Into The World...

[jmni]

@deedlerock

You know I have been victimized and attacked several times. The reality is that it does happen. When it happened to me no one supported me and I was forced to talk to people who made everything worse. If you are ridiculed or threatened, or whatever, please come here and talk about it. The forum members will support you and they wont give you bs advice or make you feel worse.

 

[xena21]

When I go outside, I feel like I've been in a dungeon and am suddenly on parade. Even my balance is off, and I feel dizzy. I am afraid of getting lost or abandoned...or just noticed or ridiculed maybe.

I know you are terrified. I feel like I should have all the answers for you. My previous job was in law enforcement. Its just that things are so different every day, I wish I could tell you everything is great. I really want to help in any way I can. It's just that lie isn't like that now.

I want every family member I deal with to be safe. That's my goal. I just wish people would be a little more kind to each other.

 

[Bosco2153]

It's been almost 4 months since I started this thread about trying to integrate back into the real world. I did manage to sit outside my door for about 20 minutes most evenings all summer long. Now fall is almost here, and I know my S.A.D. is around the corner. Memories of waiting in the scary hallway as a little girl on holiday mornings are beginning to resurface. I've stopped going outside and I sit in a tighter ball on the sofa, and am back inside the house 24 hours a day. I go to the store for groceries every other week and do just fine if I stay on task. Husband drives me. But I feel a sense of impending regressing...avoiding the sun and the world and humans. But I've set a goal. I'm determined that this year I will be able to hand out treats on Halloween instead of covering my windows with black plastic and hiding. But...I think about the fact that people will soon want me to participate in holiday events, and I don't want to.

 

[Bosco2153]

I AM going to do this though!

 

[Sandstone]

@deedlerock your descriptions of your experience sound so like mine. I could quote back almost every word you have written and said - Yes me too. Now, I find myself saying "I want my life back" But when it comes to identifying a bit I could deal with, I'm unable to spot anything I can do. I want my friends back. After 3 years, the three I was closest to are still trying to keep in contact. But I can't imagine being able to spend a happy laughing evening with them.

I know that when do push myself, I can easily overdo it and end up back hiding in the corner where I can see the windows but not be seen. Maybe I ned to set smaller goals. I've just been provided a bicycle by Disability funding - my daughter has gone out with me twice in the lanes near home. I shall try to do it alone, twice a week.

Taking actions independently from others for me cultivated new experiences of self reliance.

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I'm used to self-reliance - I'd say that my self-sufficiency is a huge protection for me. I'd be happy to be an island. Maybe I need to cultivate reliance on others?

 

[The Albatross]

Reliance on others usually gets you one of two things, retaliation or resentment. Perhaps rather than cultivating self reliance or reliance on others, you could extend to others more, but that is not the same thing as reliance on others.

 

[Dana1010]

What I also noticed very acutely after being trapped for so many years is that almost everyone out there in the world ACTS, just about everyone has a game face, a mask.

I've noticed this a lot since I started therapy. I see someone walking down the street fresh from the salon, carrying shopping bags, loudly talking into their phone, and I think, "Wow. Imagine what you'd get if you sat them down for a therapy session. What you're actually seeing is maybe 1% of what's there." I have a lot of trauma to do with conning, so on top of the irrational fear of being duped and swindled, there's now a heightened sense of what lies beneath the faces everyone shows the world. Part of me wants to rebuild my life and make friends, but knowing how inauthentic everyone is keeps me pretty reclusive still. Who wants to be friends with a mask?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have found a few good people out in the world but it took the death of my husband for me to begin to reach out to others. I have been practicing this for a while now and am in a much better frame of mind. I was a hermit for three years. I had moved away from all I knew to take care of my sick husband and had to start over and it was very hard. I wish you the very best on your healing journey.