Dillon2013
New Here
My life is defined by everything being my fault and a personal choice. Any shortcomings that my parent's failed in was tunred around on me. I WANTED to act like that and chose to do it because of my own desire.
It all started before I was born when my grandfather died when my mom was 4. 10 years later when she was 14 met my dad. My dad was 20 years old at the time. He was an adult, with a job, license and freedom. My mother was in high school, didnt have a license and still had to listen to her parent. 4 years later I was born. My parents weren't prepared mentally or emotionally for it.
My mom before I was born used the bathroom infront of my dad with the door open. My dad would never go infront of anyone but he expected everyone else to be open to him. When I born my parents didn't stop. I have early memories of watching my mom sit on the toilet and my father standing in the doorway watching. When it was time for me to learn nobody corrected me or told me to close to door. They watched me. When I went into kindergarten i wasnt potty trained but my parents told me that i had to wear underwear to get into school. They never communicated with me the steps or how to use the toilet. I blamed myself and was told that it was a personal choice. I never learned or figured it out. I was so scared of being watched and bullied that i avoided the bathroom and crapped on myself. I WANTED to poop myself according to my parents. Any adult I told they would turn it around on me. I was defective. UNTIL 4TH GRADE nobody in my house closed the bathroom door when we went.
My dad also would use humiliation and crude jokes to make fun of you. Anytime you needed to use the bathroom he would make some kind of comment. He would walk by the bathroom waving his hands and acting like you where disgusting.
Now that im and adult im permanently broken. Im petrified of the bathroom because I just want to be left alone but from years of abuse there's no way to reclaim that. Im almost 30, still wear diapers and wrap myself like a 2 year old. But I have to remember it was all my fault. I don't know how to heal or any way to move on from this. I have been in therapy for 10 years and nothing is changing. If anything im getting worse. The thing that holds me back is being watched and made fun of. I just want to be left alone. Anybody else can relate? I feel like i haven't seen a single post on the internet with somebody who dealt with something similar. Thats what feels so isolating. I have been almost locked in a hospital because everyone thought I was crazy. I tried to yell and scream that I was abused but nobody believed me. I was always the crazy one.
It all started before I was born when my grandfather died when my mom was 4. 10 years later when she was 14 met my dad. My dad was 20 years old at the time. He was an adult, with a job, license and freedom. My mother was in high school, didnt have a license and still had to listen to her parent. 4 years later I was born. My parents weren't prepared mentally or emotionally for it.
My mom before I was born used the bathroom infront of my dad with the door open. My dad would never go infront of anyone but he expected everyone else to be open to him. When I born my parents didn't stop. I have early memories of watching my mom sit on the toilet and my father standing in the doorway watching. When it was time for me to learn nobody corrected me or told me to close to door. They watched me. When I went into kindergarten i wasnt potty trained but my parents told me that i had to wear underwear to get into school. They never communicated with me the steps or how to use the toilet. I blamed myself and was told that it was a personal choice. I never learned or figured it out. I was so scared of being watched and bullied that i avoided the bathroom and crapped on myself. I WANTED to poop myself according to my parents. Any adult I told they would turn it around on me. I was defective. UNTIL 4TH GRADE nobody in my house closed the bathroom door when we went.
My dad also would use humiliation and crude jokes to make fun of you. Anytime you needed to use the bathroom he would make some kind of comment. He would walk by the bathroom waving his hands and acting like you where disgusting.
Now that im and adult im permanently broken. Im petrified of the bathroom because I just want to be left alone but from years of abuse there's no way to reclaim that. Im almost 30, still wear diapers and wrap myself like a 2 year old. But I have to remember it was all my fault. I don't know how to heal or any way to move on from this. I have been in therapy for 10 years and nothing is changing. If anything im getting worse. The thing that holds me back is being watched and made fun of. I just want to be left alone. Anybody else can relate? I feel like i haven't seen a single post on the internet with somebody who dealt with something similar. Thats what feels so isolating. I have been almost locked in a hospital because everyone thought I was crazy. I tried to yell and scream that I was abused but nobody believed me. I was always the crazy one.
