Identity Disturbances

[AzureMind]

Has anyone experienced identity disturbances? Feelings that there's a war going on inside you, or that you're an empty vessel? This feeling I've noticed isn't usually experienced with, or as a result of depression, it's a whole other feeling by itself. I feel like I don't know myself...it's a really unsettling feeling of being a stranger to yourself, like your sense of self-experience is messed up...people ask me "who are you?" and I balk at this question...WHO'S life am I living? what happened to me? Who am I? 23 years old and I remember nothing substantial about my life, my favorite hobbies, talents, abilities...how does one just 'forget' their life?

 

[BigBear]

Hi Azure,

Sea used to talk a lot about splitting. Before Angel discovered her hidden identities, I think that she used to feel that way. Sea's of course gone, but you might search and read into splitting as a result of disassociation. You can also talk to Angel2Write and see what she thinks about the similarities.

Bear

 

[PepperAnne]

Sounds like you have a lot going on. I often feel like I don't know who I am, or why I just did the thing I did. Sometimes I do things that seem to be so out of character for me, at least to other people they think it is out of character. I don't believe this is true for me though. I have always had different sides to myself. I would have missing pieces of things early on in my life and sometimes someone will tell me something I did or said that I don't remember. I was recently diagnosed as having DID. At first I was scared and then I did some research. It seems to make sense for me. The loss of memory, the not acting like myself, having different sides, and never feeling like ME. I feel like there is finally hope after getting a proper diagnosis. I pray you are able to find the same hope.

 

[Red Feather]

I have this sensation. Like I look at the mirror and I don't know who I am looking at. Like my body is so foreign to me. Like I do not know how to orientate myself. Like I don't know whether or not I really exist. And the world around me too. Forever I have had this impression that I do not have a culture to which I belong. I studied fine art and that was always the question I was confronted with. Also regarding my music. And now my artistic identiy is totally off the wall. :confused: When I am around people I feel more grounded. I think working with a therapist will help me through this. Ever since I saw my therapist yesterday I felt a bit more relieved.

Oh and also I definetely feel in conflict with myself. Sometimes two very distinct parts are contradicting themselves.

 

[AzureMind]

I intend to get all the information I can about my situation as possible BigBear; It's been getting worse lately...even when an emotion surfaces, it feels 'fragmented' as if it wasn't generated from 'my' frame of experience...I feel like I also don't have access to certain emotions myself like anger, fear, or joy really, I'm just perpetually stoic, and cold on the outside, but confused on the inside.

I wonder what's going on with me? Isn't that a strange question to pose to oneself? Shouldn't a person know what's going on within themselves? But then, living on the outside of your life I suppose does that to you.

 

[AzureMind]

The loss of memory, the not acting like myself, having different sides, and never feeling like ME. I feel like there is finally hope after getting a proper diagnosis. I pray you are able to find the same hope.

Thanks PA! I mean that...:) All the things you said, about the loss of memory, and ESPECIALLY about the 'not acting like myself' that resonates with me too! I can even identify with the not feeling like a stable 'ME'...
for instance, feeling strong, and confident, in my identity one moment, to feeling like my world is on the verge of shattering...I suppose if I could describe my experience, it's like walking around with a question mare above your head, and in your heart.

 

[PepperAnne]

I had a lot of the same questions. I started to do some research, and talked to my T. and it all came together. I also have this way of "thinking". I would want to know where something was, like my favorite shoes and think to myself. "OK, where did I put those black shoes?", and a voice would answer, "They are under the bed, on the left side." And that is exactly where they would be. Or, something would happen like, a friend would make a joke about my hairstyle that day, and suddenly there was the emotions of a small child along with a small voice saying, "I like my hair today." while feeling really upset. I thought I was crazy, that I was having irrational responses to situations. Now I know it wasn't just "THINKING" it was the voices and feelings of my alters "Talking" to me. It is all starting to make so much sense to me. I don't hold all the pain and the hurt of what happened to me, those emotions and that pain belongs to a different "ME". Just like joy/happiness, and playful/carefreeness belongs to a different "ME". My goal now is to create a Family System, where all my parts work together to co-exist and create a whole.

I am not saying you have DID. I am saying that once you are able to pin point the reasons for feeling the way you do, it will ALL make sense, to you. And I hope that you are able to find that answer, and work on healing your wounds.

 

[Red Feather]

Seems like a reason to hope then...

 

[AzureMind]

PA, I really thought I was crazy when I started having the 'THINKING' you were talking about! I feel so much better having a rough idea for what it means now :) ...I would have thoughts pop into my head that had nothing to do with me, horrible, angry thoughts that didn't even warrant such a disproportional response...every now and then, I speak to my father about things in present-day affairs (work, school, movies etc.) and then for some reason, I'll "THINK"

"Boy, I'd like to smash his throat!" and I feel 'weak', but it's in a another voice that doesn't belong to me, it's someone else's...then there's the feelings of 'destruction' just an overwhelming desire to destroy that sort of takes me over from time to time....this 'evil' type of anger, that doesn't care about others needs, but wouldn't hesitate to take advantage...there are other "thoughts" too, about things I don't wanna go into detail about, but I get what you mean now about these thoughts; sometimes I have to FIGHT keeping them down, but they pop up whenever I run into something that triggers them...

 

[PepperAnne]

I hid the "Thinking" from everyone, in fear that I was schizophrenic. I didn't want to be labeled and I was afraid of being hospitalized.

For as long as I could remember the "voices" were there. A few times I mentioned them when I was a kid, thinking everyone had them, and I was teased for being crazy. So I stopped talking about them and kept them secret.

My best friend noticed "Changes" in my behavior from time to time and brought it to my attention. With his help, I realized that I would "Switch" but only for very brief periods of time. Sometimes it would just be a minute, other times a little longer. He started to notice a slight change in my voice, my accent seemed to be thicker and my attitude was that of a teenager, or so he said. He continued to point these "moments" out to me and I started to take note of them happening, and what was happening internally for me at those moments.

Together we started to notice that I seemed to have multiple personalities. I tried to hide this from my T. and managed to do it successfully for about a year. It didn't help though.

The only thing that has given me any relief, is knowing that I have DID and I have some serious work ahead of me, but at least I know the name of the road I am on, and I don't feel so lost anymore.

 

[AzureMind]

I've had voices recently...usually right before I went to bed, and especially at work when I was REALLY stressed; I used to hear them call my name, and I couldn't tell at times if it was people outside of me calling for things they needed, or if it was 'me'...I would also feel my body changing? Like armor on me, and I would feel, 'hairs' on my face, and I tried to knock them away when it got too bad..?:unsure: I don't know if this makes sense but...I'm trying to recall it all as it happened, and being so 'spacy' it's hard to recall it all detail for detail.

So PA, have you had periods of blackouts? Like times you couldn't remember what happened to you? That used to happen ALOT to me, and I noticed whenever something happened to me and I didn't want to think about it, I could 'move it' somewhere else in my mind, and then I wouldn't be able to remember it by trying to recall it.Again, these things 'flare up' with added stress/anxiety in my life, I've been taking it easy MENTALLY, because I know the stress/anxiety is a trigger.

Have you had people come up to you that you don't know or remember ask you/remind you of stuff you supposedly 'did'? This scared me, because I had a guy come up to me and ask me if I was 'coming to work today' and he looked like a mechanic, and besides the little stuff, I'm not really so great under a hood! :laugh: I try to laugh/be a good sport about it, but sometimes it gets to you, and mind you this hasn't been the first time it's happened...also, there are times when I go 'inside' and I'm a little kid, and I see other little kids, and some teenagers, young adults, and older adults, guys, and even girls! :eek: they talk to me at times when I'm 'inside', and some of them guard doors in my mind I guess...? I don't really get this stuff, but they're there, and when the little me goes to the doors, they stop me, and tell me 'you don't want to go in there!'

So PA, is this a dream, or some sort of thing that my dissociation has triggered?

 

[BigBear]

Azure,

What does your therapist think about these?

Bear