I'm So Exhausted I'd Rather Die

[theshadowoftheliving]

I'm so exhausted by myself and my depression, swallowed into a misery I don't condone at all but can't escape from. I'm horrified that I'm reaching out for help, horrified that I'm ambilivant about this, horrified that I don't have any energy these days to even respond to posts here, never mind reach out to real people.

My therapist keeps talking about the hospital, but that seems like too much work to even try to go through, plus the repurcussions to missing work and telling people feels like more than what I can handle.

I mostly don't feel anything other than numbness. I'm not even sure I want to die.. I just wish I could disappear.

I keep holding knives to my wrists and miming the action. I keep getting the urge to crash my car into semi trucks on the highway.

I don't think I would actually do it, but sometimes I drink alone at night, and sometimes I think about drinking on purpose to loosen my inhibitions so the actions would be easier.

I can't keep living this way and I can't land in a hospital and I'm just not sure what I can do.

 

[oasis2003]

Hi
Sorry you are feeling so bad at the moment. I hope you are feeling better soon. It is good that you have support from your therapist. Y o have to do what is right for you. I can relate to your feelings I have felt like that before so you are not alone.