I'm So Over Having Ptsd

[GWhizz]

Lately I've been wishing I did die as a child. There were lots of times I almost did. But living with the memories and intrusive thoughts now seems even harder than actually living it. I'm not saying I want to kill myself, I just want it to stop.

Basically there were times where I would experience so much pain that I zoned out and dissociated (I think at least) and it felt like I was watching it happen to me. Now as an adult I feel like it really is happening sometimes. It's like I'm paying now for evading it then. And I just can't take it much more.

I don't know whether dissociation is a learned coping mechanism. But now I often feel like I'm watching from a distance as I cut myself. The cutting generally brings me back to reality and helps ground. I feel like I don't even have any control over cutting. I mean I am pretty much an insomniac. I wake from a nightmare, dissociated oftentimes, and self-harming.

I'm just so ashamed of it all. Ashamed that I went through it, that I 'survived' it (I hate that word 'survived'), and that it's still consuming me to this extent.

I don't want to cut. I made a promise to myself that there would be no more deliberate self-harm. But how do I even explain this to my T? I feel crazy as it is. And I hate when she mentions that she thinks I maybe dissociate. This is without me even telling her any of this. I'm so afraid of opening up to her in case it happens when I'm there. I'm a really self-conscious person and afraid that this would push me further with shame if she saw how I really react sometimes.

 

[joeylittle]

I'm really sorry to hear you are struggling with this.

But how do I even explain this to my T? I feel crazy as it is. And I hate when she mentions that she thinks I maybe dissociate. This is without me even telling her any of this. I'm so afraid of opening up to her in case it happens when I'm there. I'm a really self-conscious person and afraid that this would push me further with shame if she saw how I really react sometimes.

Question - if she did see more of the 'complete' you, what are you most afraid she'd do?

 

[GWhizz]

I guess when I filled in all the initial diagnostic assessments, I answered them from a fully present 'normal me' point of view. I don't feel like dissociation fits the real me. But then there's this other part that I can't bear to accept. I hate what it does to me or how it ruins the good things in my life. I'm also very afraid of the lack of control. I guess you could call it lack of acceptance or denial even. I'm pretty ashamed of what I know of it. And I want to protect myself by not sharing it I suppose.

 

[Alyse]

I know this thread is pretty old, but I still wanted to share.

PTSD lives off of our shame and fear. But you didn't do anything wrong to get PTSD, and you didn't deserve it. You shouldn't be ashamed of being disassociative, because it's not like we can fix it on our own. If you can, try to explain it just like you would a symptom of the flu to the doctor or something. Maybe this sounds kind of crazy, but I do feel like I was a bit disassociative when I told my therapist about how I was feeling--I was really clinical and just sort of described it without a whole lot of emotional processing just so that I had the courage to bring it up, and then we backed off of the topic for a while so I could regroup, and then we slowly started really processing it. But just saying it out loud was the hardest part, and that gets easier every single time. Even writing a note or email to your therapist would do it if you can't talk about it face-to-face--you are going to be proud of yourself, and you will feel more and more free for having the courage to shake the power that this pain is holding over you.