I'm starting to shut down sharing my inner life with my husband...

[cupfish]

Husb is CPTSD with social anxiety. I am CPTSD too. He went off his meds without warning, cold turkey, and didn't tell me. SSRI, so he emotionally soured almost immediately, told me after 2 weeks (of being nasty and having episodes again) he booted the pills.

Here's where I am at:

Forward movement developing our life together is over, done, we went backwards and there we shall stay.

The rest of my life with him will be spent walking on eggshells.

I am utterly alone now.

When I absolutely need to take a stand on something, expect a huge, mean blowup.

Does anyone else have this kind of dynamic? Resigned to a reality that is not great, because someone else has the right to manage their illnesses according to their own needs?

BTW: It doesn't help to hear "go to counseling" et al He has multiple uncontrolled mental health diagnoses. Divorce is not an option (again, doesn't help to say leave him)
tx xxxxx

 

[Deleted member 541]

There is always an option, you just need to find it.

 

[Neverthesame]

Ok I won't suggest counseling, or divorce.

Boundaries.
I would suggest you sit down with him and even it's one word at a time between "blow ups" He needs to find an outlet for his symptoms.
Managing his illness his own way is indeed his prerogative. That being said, it's his problem. He needs to manage it. Keeping up his half of the marriage is also his problem.

He wants to take his ptsd "like a man" he can learn to act like one.
That's my thoughts on this.
No divorce or counselling suggested, as per your request.

 

[cupfish]

Ok I won't suggest counseling, or divorce.

Boundaries.
I would suggest you sit down with him an...

Solving or not solving the problem that he has created is also 100% his, isn't it?
I am listening. Tired of being cowed. Tired of secretly fuming.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Yes, it’s HIS problem and he needs to solve it. That’s where boundaries come in. When he tries to drag you into a fight that clearly is his PTSD shit, place a boundary. If he doesn’t listen, then walk away, don’t get dragged into his shit..

 

[Cyberluddite]

So if counseling and divorce aren't viable options, here's advice from my relationship with a "switch":

Treat him like a "brat".

Like @Neverthesame said, if your husband wants to take his PTSD like a man... then he has to take his consequences like one too. And that means reminding yourself that you are not a toy, nor someone to toy with. You may be married to him, but that doesn't mean he has the right to arbitrarily forget his place.

You are human, as is he. Both of you made a contract (of sorts), shortly before the wedding, defining what was acceptable behavior and what were "hard lines". Clearly, your husband violated at least a few of those terms, and now it is time to train him to behave properly.

Men are exceptionally simple creatures. There's two ways to get our attention: sex and food. Your husband can get food by himself... but sex is entirely at your own discretion of choice. This means that any consent for intimacy is your call, and can be used as positive behavioral reinforcement. Conversely, any refusal for intimacy is slso your call, and can be used as punishment for not complying with the contract.

(This is a bit awkward for me, as I'm not a member of the BDSM community but have apparently hung out with way more of them than I used to think.)

He is not being safe or sane, and it sounds non-consensual, and you have asked him to resume medical treatment. Pretty simple. If he likes games, you make the rules.

How do you wish to handle this, Mistress?

 

[Neverthesame]

@Cyberluddite I don't necessarily agree with you on this. I was thinking more along the lines of a discussion between two spouses. Using de-escalation to keep the important issues only being talked about when both husband and wife are as calm and rational as possible. I'm not sure treating him as a petulant child will do anything but generate resentment and closed minded defensiveness. I believe if you want someone to act like a grown man, you need to treat them like one.

As @She Cat mentioned, walking away for a brief respite from hostilities, returning when anger and frustration are no longer boiling over. Then resuming the discussion. Rinse and repeat as needed. This what I would suggest.

Getting across to him what your needs are while still acknowledging his needs.
Obviously stopping the medication is important to him. Explaining it from the place of his loving wife. That you respect his decision and want to do everything possible to help him achieve functionality without medication. At the same time, explaining that you can't support this decision if it means him treating you like garbage for the rest of your married lives.

There's definitely some work to be done, but establishing good communication and proper boundaries are a good place to start in my opinion.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Cyberluddite I don’t ever think it’s ok to withhold sex as a punishment in a marriage. I know it happens, but still.....

 

[Deanna]

@Cyberluddite I don’t ever think it’s ok to withhold sex as a punishment in a m...

So if counseling and divorce aren't viable options, here's advice from my relationship with a "switch":

He was talking about his own relationship with a "switch"

 

[Cyberluddite]

Under normal, healthy circumstances you're correct @She Cat . It's not okay to withhold intimacy as a punishment. But we're dealing with @Neverthesame 's relationship, which isn't healthy.

@Deanna's Gap ... more like offering a suggestion, for consideration. De-escalation is a mental game, regardless of who is what in a relationship. It's a power struggle which requires a confident mindset, and in this case @Neverthesame became the one with the leverage.

That's right... at the moment, your husband needs you more than you need him, Never. Money can be replaced, you cannot. If he's being aggressive, that's his strength and his greatest weakness.

You can't control what your husband does, you can only control how you choose to react to what your husband does. This is the case with anyone you deal with. So if you want to work on de-escalating the situation safely, own your power and use your head. You're right in that retaliation and revenge will fail, because that's your husband's "home field advantage". And withholding affection sucks, but even healthy relationships have SO's sleeping on the couch for really big mistakes.

The key is to not withhold it when you've both established terms in the relationship which are currently being met. For what it's worth, "intimacy" doesn't solely mean sex; it can be as simple as sitting in the living room together, watching a movie on the tv.

You've got the leverage to negotiate, you've got what he wants, and you've got the one thing he doesn't right now... the ability to think clearly. Lead by example, it's easier than trying to reason with someone who refuses to take his meds.

Build your confidence, that is your home field advantage. "He who controls others may be powerful, but he who masters himself is mightier still." (Lao Tzu)

I know you've got this. And I know that you'll make it work. When you do, I would love to learn how. :hug:

They may come in handy.

 

[Hojay]

Chiming in from the supporter's section because this here dynamic is one of our daily discussion over there. Much of what has been said here is spot on. I disagree with the assertion that the withholding of intimacy should be used as a tool. If even, withholding in this context shouldn't be called as such. It would merely be a boundary. I feel unsafe = no sex. Because why would I try and be close and intimate with someone who makes me feel unsafe? Anything else is just a manipulation tactic. And as boundaries aren't there to change others, but to live within our own limits and powers, that should be the source of our decision making.

I realized I'd set my boundaries too low in the past. Read, I lived under the illusion that I could argue or reason my sufferer out of his cognitive distortions, which led to ME crossing my OWN boundaries and then crossing HIS. (Which he has a hard time forgiving me for, nevermind that he continuously crossed my boundaries.) All of this would end in an epic fight at the end of which I'd be the only scapegoat (because his cognitive distortions always win.) Now, at the first sign of unfair, unreasonable, cognitively distorted, overblown, or downright dismissive or rude remark, I use a safe word. No explanation, no discussion. He doesn't even need to have raised his voice at this point. Safeword, and the talk is over. He can hissy fit all he wants, be confused, or what have you. But I'm no longer going to explain to him, a grown ass man, how what he's doing is out of line.

Took me a while, but I realized that ^^ is my power. Not winning an argument or making him see the light with words, but no reaction at all.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Cyberluddite UMMMM. If you go back and read this thread and actually LOOK at who posted it, it wasn’t @Neverthesame..... so this isn’t about @Neverthesame!!!!!

And I will still say, that it’s never healthy to withhold sex in a marriage or relationship if it’s used as a punishment. Talking things out, finding ways to solve issues, compromise, boundaries are more healthy.