Well where do I begin. Six years ago a met a man who surprised me in every way possible. I had just got divorced from a terrible man. From that marriage I had a son and after leaving his father I really wasn't interested in meeting or marrying anyone for that matter. But when I met my current husband that all changed. He was willing to metaphorically jump the hoops in order to get me to marry him. He was a wonderful man to my son and cared for him as if he was his own son. That was when I realized I was in love with him. But what sealed the deal was when he asked me why i didn't feel like I deserved to be happy. And it was then I agreed to be with him forever. We married less than a month before he deployed for his first deployment. After only dating for a year it didn't seem like a long enough time together. He left for Iraq and throughout that deployment it was a roller coaster. Not in the sense of it being bad as in fighting but because we longed to be together again.
When he came on on R & R there didn't seem to be much of a change in him. It wasn't until his block leave once he came home from Iraq that I saw a change. The first time he put his hands on me was then at his father's while we were there for a visit. It scared me, I never felt scared of him before and I saw a side of him I never wanted to see again. See he had always been jealous but never this badly. Looking back this was the beginning of his change.
During this deployment he saw things he probably never thought he would see. This deployment he was open with me and told me almost everything that happened. He felt guilt for his LT losing his leg from an IED and we talked about it. He felt bad because a child died in his arms. And throughout this whole thing I thought ok maybe he won't be affected. He is able to talk to me about it. Granted there were times I didn't want to hear about him being elbow deep in someone's insides because they were trying to save their life, but i did it because I LOVE HIM.
Shortly after returning from Iraq we had moved to Hawaii for our new duty station. I thought ok here we go, a chance to start over maybe a fresh start. We were very optimistic. Unfortunatly shortly after arriving here he was told he would be deploying again to Iraq. And like everyone knows here comes the training. Our stuff literally got here on a Tuesday and by THursday he left me for 30 days. Then he came home for a week and because he was an experienced 12B with IED experience they needed him to take two classes in order to teach the company when he came back. Well those two classes were 1.5 months long each. so there went three months and in between them he was home for a week. After that came PTA, NTC..and then the range and the field. Needless to say I spent a lot of time with my son in paradise.
The times he was home were miserable. We argued because I wasn't pregnant and about housework, sometimes even the fact that I put on some weight. These fights became worse and worse to the point where i lost so much weight with worrying about him being upset my family became worried. Then the deployment came after on ly being here for 8 months. We finally got the answer we wanted I was pregnant. I thought FINALLY things were going to get better. Well at first they did, we had made plans during the beginning of the deployment. BEfore the next part happened he began to change, we started to fight. He told me that he didn't want a child anymore or to be married. Then the next day would take it back.It was an emotional roller coaster.
Then he got a misson to separate from the company and work with other people and well he did the unthinkable. He had an affair. He always said he would never do that to me and sure enough he did. It took me a while to deal with it and to forgive him. Its been two years now and I am moving towards letting it go but not forgetting. It is hard for me to trust him but we are working past it. Once he finally came home from iraq he held up his end of the deal he made with me on R & R. He promised we would seek counseling, go to church and take time for just us to talk and be togehter. At first it wasn't that hard. He complied and did it. But after awhile times resorted to what they were. Him and I were constantly at odds. It was so bad my mother called the cops on us because of our arguments.
This whole time he has been going to a group of doctors because he failed a cognitive test after returning. My husband didn't think anything of it. But I was hoping and praying they could give me answers as to why the man i love has become this monster. Finally he was diagnosed with PTSD and TBI. I began to cry when the doctor told me and I looked at my husband kissed him and said what do we do now. I feel relieved. It was amazing.
He started at the concussion clinic and was on the surface accepting what was going on and that he was probably going to have to get out of the service. Well then the holidays hit and lets just say from November until January was hell. Between him drinking excessively, taking his pain meds for his back excessively or huffing air life sucked. The worst came in January , I thought for sure this time he was going to kill me. All I know is that for the next 5 hours he didn't know where he was or who I was. I had to call two of his buddies to come get him out of the house. This was the straw that broke the camels back. He is now away at a PTSD program seeking treatment.
My problem is how can I deal with his irrational way of thinking? He always has to blame me for something he loses, or something i say he takes out of context. Often times he hears something I don't say and it sparks a whole argument for no reason. I dont know what to do. Instead of just saying I am a Bitch and leaving it at that, he has to spend the next 10 minutes explaining why i am such a bitch. It amazes me because after that in 5 minutes he comes up to me kisses me and says whats wrong why are you so mad. And I look at him and im like seriously, you dont know why I am mad. I know I will never get that man i fell in love with back. I know that much. But how can i make the rest of our lives livable in the sense that he isn't making my life a miserable hell, and I can stop walking on egg shells, because honestly its getting exhausting.
When he came on on R & R there didn't seem to be much of a change in him. It wasn't until his block leave once he came home from Iraq that I saw a change. The first time he put his hands on me was then at his father's while we were there for a visit. It scared me, I never felt scared of him before and I saw a side of him I never wanted to see again. See he had always been jealous but never this badly. Looking back this was the beginning of his change.
During this deployment he saw things he probably never thought he would see. This deployment he was open with me and told me almost everything that happened. He felt guilt for his LT losing his leg from an IED and we talked about it. He felt bad because a child died in his arms. And throughout this whole thing I thought ok maybe he won't be affected. He is able to talk to me about it. Granted there were times I didn't want to hear about him being elbow deep in someone's insides because they were trying to save their life, but i did it because I LOVE HIM.
Shortly after returning from Iraq we had moved to Hawaii for our new duty station. I thought ok here we go, a chance to start over maybe a fresh start. We were very optimistic. Unfortunatly shortly after arriving here he was told he would be deploying again to Iraq. And like everyone knows here comes the training. Our stuff literally got here on a Tuesday and by THursday he left me for 30 days. Then he came home for a week and because he was an experienced 12B with IED experience they needed him to take two classes in order to teach the company when he came back. Well those two classes were 1.5 months long each. so there went three months and in between them he was home for a week. After that came PTA, NTC..and then the range and the field. Needless to say I spent a lot of time with my son in paradise.
The times he was home were miserable. We argued because I wasn't pregnant and about housework, sometimes even the fact that I put on some weight. These fights became worse and worse to the point where i lost so much weight with worrying about him being upset my family became worried. Then the deployment came after on ly being here for 8 months. We finally got the answer we wanted I was pregnant. I thought FINALLY things were going to get better. Well at first they did, we had made plans during the beginning of the deployment. BEfore the next part happened he began to change, we started to fight. He told me that he didn't want a child anymore or to be married. Then the next day would take it back.It was an emotional roller coaster.
Then he got a misson to separate from the company and work with other people and well he did the unthinkable. He had an affair. He always said he would never do that to me and sure enough he did. It took me a while to deal with it and to forgive him. Its been two years now and I am moving towards letting it go but not forgetting. It is hard for me to trust him but we are working past it. Once he finally came home from iraq he held up his end of the deal he made with me on R & R. He promised we would seek counseling, go to church and take time for just us to talk and be togehter. At first it wasn't that hard. He complied and did it. But after awhile times resorted to what they were. Him and I were constantly at odds. It was so bad my mother called the cops on us because of our arguments.
This whole time he has been going to a group of doctors because he failed a cognitive test after returning. My husband didn't think anything of it. But I was hoping and praying they could give me answers as to why the man i love has become this monster. Finally he was diagnosed with PTSD and TBI. I began to cry when the doctor told me and I looked at my husband kissed him and said what do we do now. I feel relieved. It was amazing.
He started at the concussion clinic and was on the surface accepting what was going on and that he was probably going to have to get out of the service. Well then the holidays hit and lets just say from November until January was hell. Between him drinking excessively, taking his pain meds for his back excessively or huffing air life sucked. The worst came in January , I thought for sure this time he was going to kill me. All I know is that for the next 5 hours he didn't know where he was or who I was. I had to call two of his buddies to come get him out of the house. This was the straw that broke the camels back. He is now away at a PTSD program seeking treatment.
My problem is how can I deal with his irrational way of thinking? He always has to blame me for something he loses, or something i say he takes out of context. Often times he hears something I don't say and it sparks a whole argument for no reason. I dont know what to do. Instead of just saying I am a Bitch and leaving it at that, he has to spend the next 10 minutes explaining why i am such a bitch. It amazes me because after that in 5 minutes he comes up to me kisses me and says whats wrong why are you so mad. And I look at him and im like seriously, you dont know why I am mad. I know I will never get that man i fell in love with back. I know that much. But how can i make the rest of our lives livable in the sense that he isn't making my life a miserable hell, and I can stop walking on egg shells, because honestly its getting exhausting.
