Relationship In wanting to be fair...i want to start a thread for our little "wins".

[NaeNae75]

Hi all! I've been so frustrated the last month. We're going though our annual badaversary period. (The predictable times suffers can go "off course" due to anniversary dates ir periods)

Right now, for me, things are tediously slow, but getting better. I'm working so hard at not letting my own PTSD have a solar flare. My therapy has been going well, but I'm pretty sure it's going to get rugged soon. I'm going to start working on the hard stuff... the stuff I've done really well ignoring.

So I decided to start a thread for the little wins we experience... So many supporters come here trying to figure it out, me included. Sometimes we just want to know that it isn't all bad... that we aren't "stupid" for believing in our relationships.

I'm going to start... even though this week was full of me being really irritated with going through the same cycle again, I decided I wanted to look at what went right and not just the what is wrong or sideways.
My t asked me if I feel like I'm playing house and if that makes me feel irritated. I thought for a minute and sorry of realized... the honest truth at that moment was, sometimes I'm glad when he's at the little house for a while...I KNOW! Revelation!

Actually, it takes some pressures off me to do everything this time. (In the past, I was enabling too much, and did all the work) Right now, he's been going out of his way to be nice sometimes. I've held a few boundaries and at first he was angry, but once he calmed down, he understood.

We're even going on a dinner date tonight! I've decided I'm going to be the best me I can. I'm going to put the work in to fix ME! I'm going to still be there for everyone else, but with boundaries and the word NO put in for good measure.

I'm not going to rush him back into the house to enable a false sense of security for everyone this time. I'm going to enjoy being wooed by him...I deserve it!
I'm going to woo him too... like when we were first dating. I'm not saying shiw of the responsibilities... but I don't need him to take care of my responsibilities and if he isn't taking care of his, for now, that's his damn problem.

But tonight, I'm celebrating my win...a no strings attached stress free dinner date. I'm going to promise myself if he doesn't want to sperm the night with me, it isn't a reflection of me being unworthy... it's a reflection of him being afraid. Today I'm okay with that. Today I'm enough for me!

I honestly don't know the last time I felt this serene. All it cost me was a mind shift...a change of perspective.

 

[Buttercup]

NaeNae that is so great! I love the dinner date. That is really fantastic. And your new attitude is also great. I'm really glad to know all of this. You do deserve it! Have fun.

 

[NaeNae75]

NaeNae that is so great! I love the dinner date. That is really fantastic. And your new attitude is a...

Thank you @Buttercup! I hope other people get to have little wins too! It could be as simple as that "I'm alive" text in the middle of isolation or anything really.
I'm looking forward to the next couple of weeks. I did get a temporary job that pays super well. It's very intricate work, so it's keeping my neurons fitting and that helps me too. It's not going to get rid of my financial troubles, but it buys me time to figure it out in a non reactive way.
Little wins... that's going to help me build my way back to a better place.

 

[A concerned spouse]

You go girl!!! My win today is busting my ass at work and coming home to a prepared and cooked dinner made by my suffererer. I usually do It all but what an awesome surprise. And dessert for me wad realizing he washed the sheets too. It was awesome! Hope all goes well on your date night!

 

[anonymous]

You go girl!!! My win today is busting my ass at work and coming home to a prepared and coo...

That it's AWESOME! I'm super happy for you!

Dinner was good, my company was great! We had a nice time. He considered staying over, but I didn't push because he didn't seem totally ready. But it wasn't awkward because I already accept a no before I asked. He kissed me goodnight and it was nice.

I'm happy you got a little spoiled too! It's a wonderful feeling.

 

[NaeNae75]

That it's AWESOME! I'm super happy for you!

Dinner was good, my company was great! We had a nice tim...

I hate when I accidentally hit the anonymous button... lol

 

[A concerned spouse]

Good for you!!! So happy for you. Isn't it amazing how life looks differently when you work on you? When you don't set yourself up for failure with your mind. For years I prayed for my husband to change and when I stopped praying for that and started praying for me to change my life and my marriage has changed. It's awesome!

 

[mumstheword]

My win of the day was stepping outside and prevent my giving-up smoking sufferer guy from popping a guy in the face. The guy was there because our narc neighbor let's him do odd jobs (unpaid), keeping him stringing along and he decided, while she was out, to dump a whole pile of her stinking mud on our front, killing some of our seedlings and not stopping when asked to remove himself from our property, instead coming with a tough-guy attitude.
My guy was already climbing out of his skin, day one of giving up smoking, and this rude dude nearly copped it, but for little me stepping out to smooth things in a non-violent way. Btw my guy is a very lovely kind "gentle giant" who is just working on not being a push over anymore. He has been assaulted by this neighbor and her dogs have badly bit him and killed and attacked pets of this social housing complex.We have had enough We both detest conflict and violence but this neighbor and today with her friend, tipped us into enforcing boundary mode. We will be perusing AVOs in court on her and her dogs to be chained when out of the yard at all times. I did prevent violence today though :-) Yay me!

 

[NaeNae75]

Good for you. If he would have hit him, it would weaken any case you would bring. How courageous of you! Preventing violence is indeed a win!

 

[mumstheword]

Good for you. If he would have hit him, it would weaken any case you would bring. How courageous of y...

Thank you. Yes except he was on our property and doesn't live here. But I agree, I went out there with the sole intent to prevent violence and was successful. So I and my guy are happy with the outcome. The man was very threatening, arrogant and ignored repeatedly the request to stop dumping stinking mud on our place and kept doing it so I see why my poor on-the-edge, totally irritated abstainer of his suppressant drug sweetheart was about to lose it at the guy, but he is, ironically the most gentle, forgiving and non-violent and ethical guy I've ever met, despite a life of abuse and victimization that's hard to believe he survived.

What the neighbor has done to us over the entire nearly 4 years that we've been here is behind the "last straw" reaction of today.

We are learning to stand up for ourselves and have boundaries that keep us safe, maybe a little over the top today, but apparently that is quite common when chronically abused people start to assert themselves. I am a very steadfast non-violent person but agreed to let my guy defend himself and I, if he needs to, while I ring the police, if it comes to that.

 

[NaeNae75]

Today my little win was hard to find. He was quite distant and quiet today. So I texted him saying, "why so distant today"? He tried saying he was just busy. So I called him... and mentioned he had time, but chose not to talk. He said he didn't want to talk to anyone today. I said, "I would have left you alone if you would have just told me you didn't want to talk to anyone today. Don't you remember the times in the past that I left you be? He couldn't remember them... So I said, listen... if you are just up front and let me know you're not up to talking, it makes it better for both of us. Because I don't have to worry that I did something wrong to make you mad, and you don't have to get annoyed with me contacting you too much. It really doesn't bother me... so now that you know how I feel about it, and I know you're not up to talking... I'll let you go and we can talk later. I love you, goodnight! "

It felt good to show him I don't need to force a conversation on him. Go boundaries!

 

[Buttercup]

This is a great win. I could learn something from this.