DID Inner child or did?

[Leighlee87]

Okay when doing inner child work/talking about inner child/ etc., is your inner child a separate entity in your head?

Like mine is a little girl who hides under a table and refuses to come out. She's me, but when I was younger, probably preschool age. In the past, she has been horribly afraid of all adults and is certain she will be hurt. I honestly don't know why she feels this way or what happened to make her so scared. I've tried to coax her out from under the table, but she is so scared she starts shaking and crying and can't do it. She seems to have always been there. I don't know when I first realized she was there, but I don't remember her not being there either. I assumed when we started inner child work, this was what we were talking about, and that everyone had one.

More recently, probably in the last 6 months, I've seen her out playing and smiling, which is huge. There are others around her (all older) and they seem to really coddle her and make her feel safe and protected, which she needs. But I'm not allowed in that circle. If I show up everyone disappears. I still find her hiding a lot and she won't play unless others are with her. I don't try to coax her out anymore now that I know she is being taken care of. The major thing that has changed is the fact that I removed my abuser from my actual life and have been in therapy for a little over a year and it's starting to help me personally.

My therapist asked questions early on like, Do I find clothing in my closet that I don't remember buying? (Answer:no) She's asked similar questions a couple times since, but it's been awhile since that subject matter has come up. We do talk a lot about dissociation because I do dissociate a lot, but between ptsd, and an abusive upbringing the dissociation doesn't seem out of place--just a maladaptive coping skill at this point. Last week she wanted to practice a relaxation exercise. She seemed certain she had taught it to me before and I was positive she had not. She asked if I was sure there was only just one of me, which I responded with "I really sure do hope so". Honestly, I don't know if there is one of me or not. But I'm too scared to tell her, and I'm afraid I'm making it all up in my head. Except, I do know the little girl is real. I just don't know if my experience of her is normal.

So searching for other people's responses and experiences before deciding to my therapist about it. I don't want an additional diagnosis. I don't want there to be something else wrong with me--something much more severe than ptsd. I'm still trying to accept the ptsd that developed a couple years ago and the impact it has caused in my life.

 

[pixel]

Are you alluding to a possible dissociative disorder diagnosis?

If so, try not to view it as more 'severe' than PTSD, rather as more complex.
We have folks on here with DID who can cope fairly well, but some here have a diagnosis of 'just' PTSD who are severely disabled by it.

Fighting a chest infection whilst recovering from a broken ankle doesn't make you sicker, it's complexity and both are treated differently. But you wouldn't treat your ankle with the same therapy as your lungs, would you?

Similarly, your PTSD needs treatment, but if you also have a dissociative diagnosis, its okay.

You get help for both. I'm not saying a dissociative diagnosis is all fluffy kittens and unicorns, but it really helps to have a good mindset to help with progress.

 

[Sideways]

Doing schema therapy, there's an exercise where one at a time, everyone in the class had to visualise their inner child sitting on a chair in front of them and talk to them. With or without DID, that was the task.

Working with our inner child, being able to visualise in our mind ourselves as an actual child, is common and incredibly helpful to work with that concept in therapy.

Having DID, I can also visualise my parts in my head as distinct individuals. Very similar. Importantly, either way, in spite of how real that visualisation can become, the inner child, and the parts, are all just me. I am one person. Visualising parts of myself is just a tool.

The question of whether you also have DID, to me, would turn on very different questions than how effectively you can visualise your inner child, because that's a tool that we use in therapy regardless of whether we have DID.

So, the question "Do I have DID?" is more accurately assessed using the types of questions your T was asking. Not remembering something you did in therapy? Totally normal. Realising that there's a distinct personality in your head that actually does remember doing that, and holds those memories without you have conscious access to them? That's starting to look more like DID.

Does that help at all!?!

 

[Abstract]

As someone without DID but with a lot of dissociation I don't find what you describe familiar. But that depends if you started seeing things this way after you started inner child work or if you rather always had this happen and before you attempted to connect with your inner child.

You mention she was always there. Was she always there in the way you describe above? Did you always know who she was? When did you first see and notice the others?

I think non dissociative inner children are concepts or partially fleshed out beings. Not fixed in their characteristics in the way you seem to be describing unless someone has been actively imaging and trying to connect with them. I think some people imagine splitting off parts of them to cope with abuse but they are concepts again and not independent.

I have the issue you describe with learning things, blanks in memory, and recall but sometimes two things can sound the same from the outside but have a totally different source.

 

[Enaila]

My inner child is becoming more and more distinct. I do not have DID. I try to connect with my inner child as she is helping me process my emotions. Mine is about 4 years old as well, which is age I remember my first abuse. I am acknowledging her as a part of me and learning to nurture and love myself more.

Have you checked out the forum on inner child? Many of those with PTSD are working on healing our inner child to help process trauma.

I used inner child party room as search. Sorry. I'm not good at posting links.

 

[Leighlee87]

As someone without DID but with a lot of dissociation I don't find what you describe familiar. But tha...

She's always been really distinct. Looks almost identical to what I did at that age, except her hair curly where mine was straight--not entirely sure why that difference is there but it is. I've noticed her all of my adult life and have tried to interact with her as far back as I can remember too--so way before PTSD diagnosis, therapy, and whatnot. And I've always been very aware that she is "me", or a representation of me. She answers to my name. I don't think I've ever noticed the others before until I started spotting her out playing. They don't seem to be me at all. But I wasn't uncomfortable or surprised seeing them there either.

 

[Leighlee87]

Doing schema therapy, there's an exercise where one at a time, everyone in the class had to visu...

Yup, that helps a lot. I really have no idea whether that child is just an extention of myself or if she holds separate memories and takes over or not. And I'm not sure how or if I'd ever figure that out on my own. As hard as it is, I think I just need to the concern go. My therapist has been evaluating things for awhile, so I'm going to have to trust that either way, I'll have my answer eventually. The little girl may be separate from me with her own memories and actions , or it might just be my mind's way of making sense of everything and healing itself.