Insensitive Therapists

[SweatpantsHairTied]

***VENTING***

I have had multiple therapists throughout the years but the ones I have tried recently haven't been good experiences.

Just a little background on the ones I did like. I saw one in HS who I felt really cared and got into the profession for the right reasons. However at the time my defense mechanisms were up so high that my body/mind literally would not let me see some of the issues that were right in front of me. Even though I trusted her I was in denial about a lot. A few years later I went to see a grief counselor when a family member passed. I thought that the therapist was great, caring but blunt, and really understood me. I was able to talk through a lot of family things with her, but when it came to the sexual assault I couldn't discuss it with anyone. My throat would literally close up, then my mind would go blank, then my heart would start beating rapidly.

Last year I decided I was ready to face the rape. I went to see a therapist for about 3 months (2 months too long) and she was horribly judgemental. She insinuated 2-3x that it would "never happen to her" and snide comments were a regular occurence.

Then I decided I should try a male and thought that would get rid of the heavy judgement. I saw him three times. He asked me what I was wearing, dismissed my concerns/told me I'd be "just fine" because "things always work out for pretty people", and told me that I needed to start online dating.

I moved and decided that I should see a therapist who specializes in SA/CSA. The one I was assigned to didn't understand me at all; I saw her for 2 months. I would say how I felt, she would hear something else, I would try and re-explain it, she would get offended that I didn't agree with her. Rinse, repeat. She'd sigh loudly while I was talking, tried to bully me into talking about the rape before I was ready, dismissed every idea I suggested to make talking about it easier, and when I told her I was going to leave she tried to guilt trip me for weeks.

Now, I really want to get better. I'm really proud that I'm finally at the point where I feel like I'll be able to talk about what happened. I am sick of it affecting my career and relationships and I NEED to process it. I just feel really discouraged right now because in terms of finding a safe environment, trust, and understanding I'm 0/3. Maybe the issue is the fact that I've been going to low cost places? I don't know. I know that other people have had far worse experiences. I'm just starting to second guess myself since I've had more than one bad match. I want to get to the root of the assault without dealing with blame and judgement from the person who is supposed to be helping me.

 

['91 Girl]

Yes, part of it is probably low cost. They say you get what you pay for and that's true of therapy also. Now, don't get me wrong, there can be some great T's at low cost places, but your chances are lower there.

Also, sometimes things just don't work out between styles and personalities. These people sound like bullies, so that may not be the case, but sometimes, there's just a basic mis-match. Don't give up. There's gotta be someone around where you are that can and will help. It might be frustrating to keep searching, but it is for your benefit, and once you find the right one, you will be so glad you kept up the search.

 

[Hashi]

I would suggest that you need to be seeing a specialist rape counsellor for certain. I'm amazed at what you say about the one you did see. You say you were assigned to her, and that makes me wonder if it was at a general counselling centre and she was identified as someone with rape counselling experience, or whether it was at a specialist centre like rape crisis? I think there can be a difference there, not least that a general counsellor who has had clients dealing with rape is different from a specialist rape and abuse counsellor.

In my experience of counselling/psychotherapy at a specialist rape and abuse centre, there was a high emphasis on safety, trust and non-judgement. My experience of more general counsellors, even ones who could say they'd counselled a number of clients for rape and trauma, was not the same. They didn't have anything like the same understanding.

If a therapist lists a lot of issues that they deal with, which includes rape or trauma, then in my view they are not a specialist.

 

[safenow]

I too recommend you go to the rape crisis center. Not a general counseling center. I had really good treatment from the ones I went to that knew what they were doing.

 

[SweatpantsHairTied]

I'm amazed at what you say about the one you did see. You say you were assigned to her, and that makes me wonder if it was at a general counselling centre and she was identified as someone with rape counselling experience, or whether it was at a specialist centre like rape crisis?

I saw her at one of the centers specifically for Sex Abuse (SA) and Child sex abuse (CSA) victims. The counselors are all students and report to a supervisor. There were definitely red flags that I ignored. While I was waiting for appointments I always heard the counselors gossiping about various people they knew. And the only time I caught a glimpse of the supervisor, she was gossiping about a potential client (apparently his bf was "too old" and she didn't respect the client pursuing a career in entertainment).

I too recommend you go to the rape crisis center. Not a general counseling center.

I did set up an appointment with another SA center in the area, but the woman was so cold on the phone that I decided to keep looking. I've thought that it may be in my best interest to find a survivor as a therapist, but I know not everyone divulges that information.

there can be some great T's at low cost places, but your chances are lower there.

I think that has to be a big part of the problem. And great point about the basic mismatch. Sometimes I need the reminder that just because something can be tolerated, doesn't mean that it's right way to go.

Have any of you worked with male rape counselors at all?

 

[Hashi]

I would slightly disagree that it might be in your best interest to find a survivor. I don't think that's relevant, and you could just as easily find a survivor who has an approach you don't like. Looking at posts on this site, survivors have a variety of opposing views on how therapy should be conducted, so there's no guarantee that just because the person is a survivor they will suit you.

I think what's to be important is not what personal attributes or history a counsellor has, because I think there's a risk of making assumptions that aren't necessarily true. A man might or might not be judgemental, it depends entirely on the individual man. A survivor might or might not practise therapy in a way that works for you, it depends on the survivor. Also, other people's experiences are helpful to know about, but you might have a completely different experience because you are you - even if you saw my therapist, who suits me really well, you might not like her at all.

I think you need to focus on what therapy approach/es resonate with you, and what personal approach you want from a therapist. I think it would be good to identify exactly what you're looking for, and think of ways you can sound out potential therapists as individuals, with questions and other ways of assessing your impression of them.

When I was looking for a therapist and was checking websites and having initial phone conversations, there were particular things that would make them an immediate "no". These were things like not giving me plenty of time on the phone when I made the initial enquiry, or not listening properly to the things I said and the words I used (eg I asked one therapist how much she'd worked with survivors of rape, and she answered using the phrase rape victims). There are initials questions you could ask to test out whether they seem judgemental, and how soon they think a client should talk about what happened.

For me, there were other things that would make them a definite maybe, which included feeling that they listened to me, feeling that their response was sympathetic when I mentioned rape, feeling that they seemed capable and professional, and the type of responses they gave being generally flexible, positive and open to working with me the way I wanted to work.

I don't know if it's significant that you're saying counsellor rather than therapist or psychotherapist. I understand you need to work to a budget, but is there any way you could see a psychotherapist? I don't know about where you are, but counselling requires much less training where I am, and in general a counsellor doesn't work in the same way as a psychotherapist - in general, counselling is more about finding a solution/resolution to a particular life problem like stress or bereavement. Personally, I'd rather see a good psychotherapist once a month than see an ineffective or even damaging counsellor every week. I think seeing a student could be OK if you know they have excellent training and supervision, and again I'd look at a student psychotherapist if at all possible.

At any rate, I'd suggest you focus first on what type of therapy you want, and what personal approach you'd like in a therapist, and look for that.

 

[Tanishq]

Hashi, I read your reply and it made me feel whether you have ptsd or not, all has to work for healing. Isn't this true? Not many go on healing, people love to stay where they are, instead going to carry on their life to make bigger difference.

To the original poster, You will have to work to find right therapist. I don't think counselor or hypnotherapist would work here, if they are jumping on some judgements. If any counselor or hypnotherapist tries to understand the nature of your trauma, then I think some things are possible. otherwise I would suggest you to go trauma specialized therapists.

Honestly, I have seen hypnotherapist and was very disappointed the way it went.

 

[safenow]

Right now, I am working with the Master's Program. I have a psycotherapist as well as students who sit in on a session. In some respects I don't mind, but I believe if this was my first trauma and my trauma was fresh, I wouldn't like it. I don't want a "student" experimenting on what they have learned out of books on me. I want someone who knows what he/she are doing.

I have been reading about the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) therapy, and I wish I had been able to get that when I was first diagnosed. I believe that would have put a lot of things to rest that never were. I honestly feel that it might saved me a lot of suffering over the years.

 

[Tanishq]

Safenow, I agree and understand. that is wrong to treat some sufferer as being experimented. It can be very risky. If therapist doesn't know what they are doing, how they can understand their client.