Instant Suicidal Feelings?

[Hashi]

I've started talking in T about my childhood. It was extremely traumatic, with neglect and physical, emotional and sexual abuse, almost zero nurturing and no safety, from birth. I don't remember much of it. A lot of what I know is gleaned from my mother, whose idea of fond childhood anecdotes is to tell stories about horrible things that happened and how upset I was about them.

I want to heal from this, but the moment I go anywhere near it, for example if I even think about being a child, I'm instantly overwhelmed by suicidal ideation. Instead of my usual "coping" strategies like dissociation, making things unreal, zoning out etc, I just want obliteration. I've barely touched on things so far, with my T or on my own. I barely know what happened when I was a child.

I'm wondering if I had suicide ideation as a child, but don't remember this. It would make sense, because it would have been the only real "solution" at the time. It's so strong and instant, based on knowing very little in the present, that I think it must have been the case. In some way. (What could I have known about suicide? And, due to neglect and isolation, I didn't have any language until after I was seven, and I think this is earlier maybe, so how could I have conceptualised it?)

... any thoughts? any ideas for how to deal with this?

 

[intothelight]

Hashi,

I can't comment on whether or not you had ideation as child, but I do remember times when certain thoughts, actions by others, or triggers could take me from 0 to suicidal in the blink of an eye. I found there were certain subjects or exposures I couldn't deal with until I was sure I able to handle them and remain stable.

Perhaps discussing this with your T and seeing what coping skills might help. For me it was just getting my head wrapped around knowing it was the past and that any flashback, emotion, or reaction felt terrifying, overwhelming or too shameful, was not threatening my present safety or life. But I really had to know and believe it before I could venture into those areas.

Deb

 

[Hashi]

... I do remember times when certain thoughts, actions by others, or triggers could take me from 0 to suicidal in the blink of an eye.

That's interesting. I haven't experienced this before.

I should probably have said that I have a lot of healthy coping techniques, and the unhealthy ones are an illustration of how I otherwise tend to react to overwhelm. This is something else altogether. i don't even remember enough to confuse anything with being in the present rather than the past, and don't actually have feelings like fear or lack of safety (which I do with later traumas). It's more that life has been so bad it's just not worth it. Like, complete defeat.

It's only ideation. There are reasons why I'd never act on it.

I'll discuss it more with my T, that's a good point. My healthy coping skills are mostly about feeling safe, so she might have ideas about things that could help with this. Whatever it is.