Intimacy And Ptsd

[Mybirch12]

Dear Friends,

I used to be a doting partner. I used to feel like I had a sexual identity!

I'm aware that 'stress' can reduce sex drive, but had no idea that PTSD could nearly delete libido.

Over the few years since my house fire, while realizing I have lost my emotional freedom, I also feel that integral parts of my identity have simply disappeared.

Has anyone else experienced this? I want to find ways to work on this issue, the LAST thing I would want is to lose my fiancée who has been very patient thus far.

It's as though along with my emotional 'shutdown', my body has shut down as well.

 

[arfie]

Emotions and physics are deeply connected, Mybirch, in deeply mysterious ways. Can you disconnect one without affecting the other?

My PTSD is from sustained childhood abuse, so I do not know your loss, but I do know change is inevitable. May your next set of changes be healing and reconnecting.

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

@Mybirch12 - I completely understand. There were entire years where I just had no interest, even though I'm married. Hopefully you have a supportive partner. I found in my case, that it resolved around my feelings of shame stemming from the abuse. Once I realized it, and talked with my husband about it, it seemed much better. Bear in mind, it took me 22 years to talk to my husband about it.

 

[Britt.f7]

There are various ways to become more intimate. I know they often tell people to just do it, or do as much as you can, even if you are not interested at the time. They believe you will start to get into it. Now, I don't know this for myself because my abuse was sexual and my lack of interest had a lot to do with that. What are things that help you to feel more intimate? Sometimes doing those things over a period of time will get the desire back. There are also plenty of books out there. Men get viagra, women get books. Go figure. I've often thought they need a drug out there to help us tired mother's out. It's a catch really. Stress can make you feel intimacy depleted, yet, having sex, can help you feel less stressed.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I went through this too. I got through it by accepting that there are ebs and flows to sex just like with everything else. I read books. I wrote out a sexual inventory of my past. I just did healing things and self soothed my thoughts that I was somehow deficient until one day, I started experiencing it less and less.

I went through sexual trauma in my past as well and I do not think there has to be a prerequisite. PTSD has changed the way I relate intimately but it does get better.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think you're lucky in that you can see it. I have a total disconnect and it's safe to assume its trauma related. The disconnect has always been there, so I have no way of knowing how to fix it. Hmmm.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I recommend the book Healing Sex by Staci Haines

 

[Badger]

Good intimate real sex requires trust. People with PTSD have a lot of trouble with trust. They have usually had their trust violated, or had overwhelming experieces that made them question the decency of human nature in general.

For males the experience of being afraid and vulnerable from the PTSD can make them feel like they have nothing to offer their partner in the way of support. Maybe you should start with offering your fiance your vulnerability? Thats how healing starts

 

[bell]

No real advice here, although I want to say that @Mybirch12, you're not alone in having your body shut down. I actually can't feel anything and it sucks. What does work is non-intimate touch or just lying on the couch together or something, just being close with no pressure to have sex. The pressure + PTSD is a killer of all things intimate, really.

And I'd echo @Badger's comment on vulnerability. Working on learning when (and where) your shields blocking everything go up is important to getting them to be less 'on guard,' so to speak.

 

[Mybirch12]

@bell Thank you for this suggestion! For quite some time I would retreat to my chair while watching tv and not even realize I was neglecting warm touch and contact from my partner!

It's true that cuddling and relaxing together helps us feel closer, and we just recently made a joint-decision that once a week we'd be 'intimate' together wether I'm 'in the mood' or not.Intimacy isn't a trigger for me, it's simply the lack of feeling anything emotionally. Being a woman I think makes that all that much more important to me...I have found myself horrified and feeling guilty that my pieces don't seem to 'work', I'm supposed to be at my 'sexual peak' at my age, instead I feel like there's just ZERO interest :(.

What seems worse is that physically I do, even if have no desire, so it complicates things in my mind, and for my partner.

Thank you so much for your response!!

 

[Mybirch12]

@Badger I tend to agree, but I DO trust my fiancée. My trauma and ensuing PTSD comes from a house fire...my house fire and watching my whole life go up in flames. It's interesting because a trauma like this is absolutely NOBODIES fault, it's elemental. For me there's nobody to 'blame' or be angry with, it's just HORRID misfortune.

In some ways I WISH that there was something/someone to blame, feel that it might be easier to have a specific focus on healing? I have many friends who have been physically or sexually abused and recognize that when they are open to healing or talking they have someone to direct that 'upset' towards. I HATE to sound like there is 'envy' at all in this situation, and there is a good deal of backstory to WHY the house fire was SO damaging that I'm willing to get into but maybe in a more personal way.

I'm quite vulnerable with my partner, it's just more that she and I met only 3 months after the fire, it's been nearly 3 years and only NOW am I really able to recognize my PTSD shortcomings and start tackling them! UGH!!!!

Thank you Badger for your suggestions! It's been wonderful to have such openness here!

 

[Mybirch12]

@StrongerNow Thank you so much for your insight. I feel you are spot on, right now I feel a relief simply by acknowledging the deficit in the first place! Not only that but it seems to be a common issue and while it's hard for me to imagine being THIS changed forever, I may have to come to terms with it.

I just feel like there's such a frustration with not only 'mourning' the loss of my home, my place in the world, closeness to friends I once had, but on top of it I'm now 'mourning' MUSELF and my 'sexual being'!? It's SO messed up!

I can remember having interest, being receptive to my partners in the past, having 'THAT' feeling, the feeling of attraction, but it's as distant to me now as any of my other emotions feel.
The thing about sexual health is it's one of the few things that are very much a 'mind-body' connection, so while certain essential functions work in my body, this particular one has small pieces that work, but as a whole don't, if that makes any sense.

As I said before, I can physically 'get there', but all the precursors are not there, as @Britt.f7 says, "just do it" may do the trick in the long run, and I appreciate @Britt.f7 for your input as this may be what sparks my mind and body to connect again? Especially since this is not the area where my personal trauma is.

@TwoDee2ThreeDee, I took your suggestion last night and talked at length about this issue with my partner. It was a relief to be clearer about it and I'm sure that the discussion opened her eyes as well. She knew I am going through this, but to what extent has been a bit of a mystery to her. Thank you so much for the hope...I am so sorry it took 22 years, but am happy you can share your experience with me!

I recommend the book Healing Sex by Staci Haines

I will DEFINITELY check this book out, thank you so much!

I thank everyone for sharing thoughts and feelings as well as past experience with me!!!