Intimacy and PTSD

[the racha]

Hey, all-- just wondering if anyone out there has experienced intimacy issues with their spouses/partners due to PTSD. Right now, my partner is trying her best to wean out of the "carer/provider" role that she graciously adapted to 6 months ago. I, too, am starting to really feel better on a more stable basis.

But when it comes to sex, we kind of don't know where to start anymore. After my abuse, I did everything I could to make sure that my body was "turned off." So by the time I was in college and getting close to people, I wouldn't let anyone touch me-- I was always the aggressor/ "pleaser." Meeting my partner was great because I was able to let a lot of that go, although I'm afraid reaching climax during intercourse is never going to be something that I can achieve. This makes her nervous, and she wonders whether or not I am "frustrated" or "satisfied" with our sex life. I try to explain to her that this has been the only sex life I've known, that I am either numb "down there" or I'm excited "down there" but there is never really any "build-up" of feeling. And, when I do have inklings of build-up, the PTSD kicks in and I start having intrusive thoughts or I start remembernig how I told myself for years that it is not OK to have good feelings "down there."

To top it all off, she is afraid that I will confuse her for a perpetrator, or that she will mistakenly violate me in some way. I don't blame her, the past several months of my life have been spent ruminating aloud on the various disturbing effects of child sexual abuse. I understand that this will be a matter of both of us being "ready," but I'm not sure where to start. She feels gulity just feeling turned on by me and now we have tons of history and this thing between us. I love this woman, and she loves me, but we are stuck. I just want to be close to her again, and I know she feels the same way, but we don't know how.

Does anyone have any advice??

Thanks,
the racha

 

[Marlene]

The racha,

I have recommended several times here on the forum 'The Sexual Healing Journey'. There's a lot of different scenerios and stories from people who've been sexually abused. Plus there's a section in the back that deals with getting your intimate relationship back 'on track', so to speak, again.

Having been where you are with my husband, I would also recommend taking things slow and easy and no expectations. They can be killers. Plus talking to your partner about what you're feeling helps a lot. Communication is the most important part of this whole process. Also, if you have a therapist I'd recommend talking to them, too. All the support and help you can get to help you with this part of your life is important.

Lisa

 

[Manic11]

Racha,

I completely see where you're coming from. Because I was sexually and phyiscally abused more than one time throughout my life, that's what sex is to me...
I can be in a relationship with someone but the second it comes down to sex, I get scared and usually end up breaking up with the person. I unfortunatly have no solutions, as Im trying to figure out the answer to this problem myself but I'm interested in what everyone else has to say.
I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone in feeling this way and I wish you the best. Good luck to you and your partner!

Manic

 

[fin]

I agree with Lisa racha, I believe communication is vital in this part of your relationship, to be honest I think communicating is vital in any relationship and any part of it also. I have also been sexually abused more than once, and it is difficult to know how to go about somethings. So I also understand what Manic has said here are

I try to look at differences sometimes, it can help me to see and look at things differently There is a difference between abuse rape sex and making love, all these tags have can different meanings to them, and we can asign the words to mean different things almost to what we have known and what we can hope for. I think that we as we learn to manage we can take back ourselves more, can make our own decisions some more, and also find ourselves more and better



Part of you was not taken or touched when the things that have troubled you happened. Part of you could not be taken or touched , please believe that




Try to be kinder to yourselves also, healing I believe takes time. I understand your frustration and would say to slow things not to a complete standstill forever but somehow give your selves time and intimacy maybe begining again with each other gently and softly without the spectors of recent conversations so fresh in your minds perhaps

I really hope that it works out for you both, I believe from everything I have understood read it will and can, and I also think that given enough time and gentleness that you will feel and be more fulfilled also

take care racha and please be kinder and gentler with yourself too
I hope that this can help you in some way, knowing you are not alone in what you are facing can be encouraging also
~fin

 

[the racha]

Thanks all for your input. It is just so frustrating, it's like this PTSD nightmare never ends. I had made real progress before my retraumatization, and since then my body has just been all kinds of crazy. What was good before is now bad, and what was bad before is now good, and to top it all off my poor partner has had to deal with years of me nitpicking and constantly trying to direct her this way or that way-- I've told her that it's definitely me, and not her, but that can be a really hard thing to get across.

Any additional advice or direction is very welcome.

racha

 

[Tinyflame]

Just cuddle to start. I think not being able to relax complicates the picture. Try to not have any (forced) expectations.

And remember, too, if you're feeling anxious, it is the love between you that is the real intimacy.

 

[2quilt]

I will be taking a sexual intimacy class for PTSD women in a few weeks, so i can tell you what i learn in class.

 

[lilcuda1]

Love & Hope

Everything you just said sounds familiar everything. I'm new here & so I appriciate everyones thoughts, they help validate me. As for Your problem, I agree with the others take it nice & slow. Your blessed to have a kind & caring partner to work through this they are NOT A PREDITOR. My husband & I are right where you are & I feel so lucky to have him.

However; I'm bipolar as well normally I'm depressed & don't want intimacy {so I always feel guilty} but right now I'm manic I've been working heavily on the PTSD to my surprise I've been feeling very loving & romantic. Right now my spouse is sick but I came on to him & asked but he said he was sorry but no to sick& tierd. Instread of having realistic thoughts I lost it. We talked I got it together but the feeling I experienced at the moment were horrible. Like those that I experienced from my abuse.

The point is this am He loves Me even more He worried about Me and We cuddle & eased each other emotionly.

Patience, kindness & love{not fake} & TIME will help