Intimacy Issues In An Awesome Relationship.

[Be Braver]

So my boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and a half now. I trust him completely. I know he would never hurt me. He is always conscious of reading my body language even to the point if I start rubbing my pointer finger, and edge of my thumb nail together he know that I'm anxious and asks how to help. He is so patient with me and I am truly in love with this man.

The problem I'm facing comes whenever we are intimate. It’s something that I struggle with from my history of being assaulted when I was 11. He has been so patient with me in this area and I’m so grateful for him. I love that part of our relationship and my reaction doesn’t stop me from wanting to be physical. My problem is that I don’t know how to not feel terrible afterwords. Like I will enjoy everything in the moment and then I will think about what transpired and then the thought makes me want to peel my skin off, literally. I can think about things I did a year ago and the same thought crosses my mind. So I’m not sure if any of you have been in this situation before but if you have what have you done to work on it? And have you had any improvements?

I've tired being more present and mindful of who I'm with and remind myself that he loves me but it doesn't seem to matter. When I do that I usually end up sobbing and then spend the rest of the day twitching. And on top of that the issue has nothing to do with him at all. I literately feel so disgusted with myself and what I did/that I enjoyed myself. That is the emotional distress that I feel. It has nothing to do with him, but my own actions. For this reason I also have trouble initiating things which makes him feel bad because he feel like he is pushing boundaries with me. When truthfully by brain wants it but whenever I initiate everything is 100 times worse in my head. I'm not sure how to get past this but it is becoming a problem in our relationship. Even if I don't consciously feel terrible I literally start to twitch. It's the only time I ever twitch so it has to be something in my subconscious thats related to that. I'm so frustrated with myself because I really don't know what to do.

 

[Renestel]

So, I don't have tons of answers--but I can for sure relate with you. My dirty laundry is that I was molested at 12, raped at 18. Mentally, and sexually/physically abused by a lover from 18-21. I personally think sexually based PTSD is very complicated.

I have HUGE issues with after intimacy darkness just like you. I keep it semi secret from everyone in my life that after intimacy, my husband will go to sleep and I usually sneak off to the kitchen and go binge drink or binge eat after because I feel so disgusting and those are the only two things that are my "friends' that do not judge me and make me feel better in the moment. I literally have to escape most times. I have much empathy for you because I totally understand the issues this can cause in a relationship. I used to be so bad that in the middle of having sex I would start sobbing and then go into a fetal position. I feel like when we are assaulted/raped/molested, it somehow gets into the wiring of our brain and we always "go back" to a certain degree. I hate that. Both of our guys have been through a lot, are patient and kind, and deserve some kind of "you're the man" award. I hate that people doing these things to me has robbed me of so much of my life. But that's where I try to be a fighter. Work on not letting those little sh*ts take any more of you or your life experiences than they already have. It's a day to day battle, believe me, I know. But try to keep taking your life back. Try to repay your guy for being as awesome as he is. Try to work on the anger/pain/disgust you have from the traumatic event so that you can take steps to getting to where you aren't twitching or crying. It's so hard, but just keep trying, you will fall ( we all do) but pick yourself up again and do what your name suggests. :)