Intimacy With Policeman, I'm Struggling...

[A HOPE]

Hello, I am new here... I was brutally raped 11 years ago to the point I had to "play dead" in order to escape. I was young, 20, and afraid and didn't report it, never got help, just tried to put it out of my mind. Little did I realize the YEARS of suffering I would endure internally and externally, had I known, I would have made certain to report it. The fact is, I didn't. But this has haunted my dreams, my day-to-day reality, every aspect of my life, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 12 months a year. About two years ago I met someone who is now in my life... We've taken it EXTREMELY slowly and it wasn't until recently that we've tried being intimate. TRIED, being the word. He is a policeman and I feel 1,000% safe with him, but I've been frustrated with myself lately due to intimacy. Kissing is fine, hugging is fine, touching is fine and mentally and emotionally I WANT more, but physically, I can't. Literally. I don't know how to put this less bluntly than it will sound, but it was like a wall was literally between my legs. He couldn't be inside me. He DIDN'T force it, he WASN'T mad at all, he kept repeating, "It's ok, it's ok, it's ok, we can try again another time." I was so disappointed in myself, I felt that being able to kiss and touch, etc., was a good sign and then bam.... But he wasn't mad at me at all. But I'm struggling because my heart, my emotions, and my mind are not agreeing with my body. I told him a month ago about the brutal rape so he is aware... He said, "Thank you for telling me this. It tells me a lot and I don't ever want to do anything or say anything that would bring back bad memories because believe me it will come back and it will be heavy so if I ever do anything or say anything that reminds you of that, tell me. I don't want to remind you of that. I don't want to be the one to remind you of that." I can only assume that being a policeman he's familiar with trauma and long-term affects of rape... right? So he understands my reaction or lack thereof without my needing to explain or do I need to explain? If anybody has any advice about me or him, or any words of wisdom, PLEASE do tell... Thank you for your time...

 

[mamachick]

Be kind to yourself. I hope you will find a good therapist to help you work through this-you deserve to find happiness and be able to be intimate. I am glad you have an understanding partner that you have been able to share with.

 

[Ron]

Sounds just normal human reactions considering the horrific trauma you survived. Plan "A" is to see a pychiatrist or a good trauma counsellor and begin your healing journey. Be patient and kind to yourself ok? Nice to meet you.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. Like the others said...be kind to yourself.

Seek help with a therapist...that will help you a lot.

 

[A HOPE]

Sounds just normal human reactions considering the horrific trauma you survived. Plan "A" is to see a pychiatrist or a good trauma counsellor and begin your healing journey. Be patient and kind to yourself ok? Nice to meet you.

Ron thank you for your encouragement. How very kind and thoughtful of you. I'm so humiliated by what didn't happen, I haven't seen him since this happened or rather didn't happen... I've come up with excuses not to see him. I am disappointed in myself and humiliated. Nice to meet you too. Thank you for taking the time to write. Hope to hear from you again.

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Welcome to the forum, Hope!

I agree with everyone else. Your reaction sounds very normal after your experiences. My story is somewhat different, but I cannot handle human touch of any kind. So, please don't beat yourself up about it. It sounds to me like you have a very understanding partner. Try not to avoid him. With patience, it might work out wonderfully.

Finding a therapist to help you process the trauma is an essential step to your feeling better and your being able to live your life the way you want to. A trauma therapist is likely to be the best match, but most important is that you and the therapist have a connection. So it may require some shopping around.

As for not having reported the rape, it is actually more common than it might seem. Whether or not you reported the crime, may possibly not have helped you feel any different than you are feeling now. Please do not dwell on the decision at the time. Try to let go and see what you have in your life now.

Best of luck on your journey! I honestly hope that you are able to achieve your dreams...

Take care!

 

[Anna]

Healing is a long process. Take it slowly. Hugging really helps a lot. Do not do anything you feel not ready to do. Your partner sounds very loving and understanding. Sex is not the most important part of a relationship. Intimacy can be hugging and kissing too :)

As said above therapy is the way forward. Time is a great healer.

 

[A HOPE]

Deaf Global Nomad, Anna thank you for reaching out to me. I started a thread in the Discussions forum about this (Titled: Confused, is my mind distorting reality?) that has MUCH more info regarding this situation, as well as more of my thought processes and experiences involving this if you would like to read further, please do. It's an incredible feeling to have everybody's support in this. Thank you from my heart.