So I decided to join this after watching and reading posts for several days. I was diagnosed with PTSD a little over a year ago. I had symptoms for many years but was misdiagnosed in young adulthood and then didn't want to seek treatment after that.
I was raped almost daily for two years when I was 11-13 years old. It was by a foster child that was living in my home. He was barely older than me so for years I blamed myself and still find I struggle with that.
I finally sought treatment because I was tired of feeling nothing. No matter what happened to me I felt nothing. Not happiness, not sadness, not anger...nothing. I thought something was very wrong with me and I hate living like that. I was mostly detached from whatever was going on around me. Co-workers would talk to me and then have to repeat themselves because I could not process what was being said. I still deal with detachment but not as often as before. I am experiencing emotion more but (which is a goal I have) but I'm finding it hard to deal with.
I have very high anxiety - constantly feeling like something terrible is going to happen no matter what decision I make - which way to drive, whether to allow my children to go out or not, what I do at work. I feel like I am constantly dirty and have to take frequent showers and baths. One thing that really impacts me is my food phobia. I have significant fears surrounding many foods. I cannot even be in the same room with some foods or if foods are in the wrong place or touching the wrong thing. I think it's because the sexual assault mostly took place before dinner time and then I would have to go sit through dinner afterwards.
Now I have some weeks that are good and that's great. What is hard is when I have weeks that are bad. I force myself to function well (I'm a single parent with five children). The effort it takes to get through a day is more than I can bare and having nobody who understands it leaves me feeling lonely and depressed. I have chosen not to share my PTSD or trauma with anyone except my therapist at this point. When I was younger and misdiagnosed it came out that this had happened in my past. That therapist forced me to share this information with my family and in a group therapy setting. It was a horrible experience and I still feel so full of shame when I remember having to talk about it.
Anyway, thank you for letting me share my story.
I was raped almost daily for two years when I was 11-13 years old. It was by a foster child that was living in my home. He was barely older than me so for years I blamed myself and still find I struggle with that.
I finally sought treatment because I was tired of feeling nothing. No matter what happened to me I felt nothing. Not happiness, not sadness, not anger...nothing. I thought something was very wrong with me and I hate living like that. I was mostly detached from whatever was going on around me. Co-workers would talk to me and then have to repeat themselves because I could not process what was being said. I still deal with detachment but not as often as before. I am experiencing emotion more but (which is a goal I have) but I'm finding it hard to deal with.
I have very high anxiety - constantly feeling like something terrible is going to happen no matter what decision I make - which way to drive, whether to allow my children to go out or not, what I do at work. I feel like I am constantly dirty and have to take frequent showers and baths. One thing that really impacts me is my food phobia. I have significant fears surrounding many foods. I cannot even be in the same room with some foods or if foods are in the wrong place or touching the wrong thing. I think it's because the sexual assault mostly took place before dinner time and then I would have to go sit through dinner afterwards.
Now I have some weeks that are good and that's great. What is hard is when I have weeks that are bad. I force myself to function well (I'm a single parent with five children). The effort it takes to get through a day is more than I can bare and having nobody who understands it leaves me feeling lonely and depressed. I have chosen not to share my PTSD or trauma with anyone except my therapist at this point. When I was younger and misdiagnosed it came out that this had happened in my past. That therapist forced me to share this information with my family and in a group therapy setting. It was a horrible experience and I still feel so full of shame when I remember having to talk about it.
Anyway, thank you for letting me share my story.
