Sufferer Intro To My Ptsd And Question About Anger.

[catgeek44]

I'm new here and my diagnosis for PTSD is also new. I feel like I'm letting my guard down by sharing these parts of my life, but I need help. So here I go!

My "journey" with PTSD started about a year ago after mistakenly joining a cult because I wanted to feel welcomed and cared about, but I'm pretty sure my PTSD goes further back then that.

When I was a kid, I was "raised" by an abusive father and a mother who had schizophrenia. Interestingly, my sister (who is 5 years older than me) also has PTSD. My dad did some things that I'm not proud of, and although he is no longer alive, I hate him for the pain he caused me and my mom.

I ended up in foster care when I was about 10 (the age is still foggy to me) due to my mom's mental illness and had been jumped around to several different foster homes. I eventually got separated from my sister and lost what felt like my only support. After that, my anger got me kicked out of this place and a few others.

To make things worse, my mother died of an aneurysm about 5 years ago and due to my being misdiagnosed, shocked/numb and highly medicated, I am just now starting to grieve her death. I am also dealing with several other memories that are creeping their way in due to my current situation. This is the part where I ask for help.

I am in a situation where I'm being told by my apartment management that I have to move, without a definitive explanation. Legally they don't have to give me a reason, but this silence has caused me to be angry and afraid. I have been threatened by one of my neighbors, (due to me repededly asking the woman above her to keep her dog quiet because it was and still is waking me up) and I have been harassed on at least 3 other occasions. I've explained to my management that I have PTSD, but it fell upon deaf ears. I don't have much of a choice now other than to move. I'm planning on moving back to the place where my PTSD all started, but it's because I consider this place home.

The main problem is that I'm in a situation that I can't back out of, a situation where I thought I'd be able to take a break from the most recent trauma. My anger is staring to get out of control again. I'm also having increased flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, trouble eating and trouble sleeping.

Another thing I'm concerned about is my anger. Once I get that under control, I'm (usually) able to find my sense of logic again and mostly calm down. Anger is something that I've always had trouble with, even when I was on the bajillion medications I was prescribed.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with anger? Excercise is something I've considered but am a bit limited on due to my lack of knowledge, money and location.

I also want to ask for suggestions on how to stay focused on moving (I have to move by August) with the worries I have about money as well as the memories/flashbacks I'm dealing with and will likely continue to encounter as I sort through old possessions and repack. (I haven't even had the chance to unpack from when I moved in here last July.)

Thank you for those of you who read this long story!

 

[franciemarnie]

Hello and welcome!

I find exercise to be number one for balancing the extremes of emotion I get. Even though there is an exercise room where we live, I don't use it. Instead I walk and walk and walk. Sometimes I walk and run a little and walk and run. Sometimes I go up and down steps so you don't need equipment or training for those. It is a fantastic outlet.

Only then can I settle down and try to meditate.

It's unfair that you have to move. But in a way it is good because they are not kicking out the lady with the barking dog and you don't need unpredictable outbursts of sound. That can be extremely unsettling.

I understand you wanting to go home, but if it's the site of your former trauma, you might expect triggers galore.

It would be great if you could see a T to help with self regulation of your internal system.

You will get lots of great ideas on the forum and support. See you soon.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Catgeek44,

Welcome to MyPTSD forum!

Take the time to do a search as there are some really good articles and thread on anger. With PTSD, sometimes anger is just the outward expression of a myriad of emotions that have very little to do with being mad. For myself, I found that fear was expressed with anger as my "fight" kicked in. Anger can also be an expression of frustration, disappointment, fear, insecurity, etc. Also check out some information about Dialectic Behavior Therapy (DBT) and emotional regulation.

Exercise is a great outlet for anxiety, anger and other emotions that tend to get bottled. Walking is the least expensive and can be done just about any where. If you have access to a gym, weight lifting, boxing, swimming or just about any activity is good. Sometimes it takes a series of trial and error to find what really helps an individual to manage anger and then a conscious effort and practice to learn a new response.

I hope you find this forum helpful.

Debbie

 

[jmni]

Since being diagnosed with PTSD I have had many troubles and encountered endless harassment. The reality is that I have not been allowed any peace or the opportunity to better myself, until finally a year ago moving into my current apartment. My current land lords are good people and do not hate me because of this disorder. They aren't sleaze who are looking for an excuse to harass. I am very grateful for my current situation. I guess my suggestion would be to try to find a landlord who accepts your condition and the side effects before you move in when looking for your new place. And if you do find that, you will be way better off.

My only suggestion for dealing with anger is what has worked for me and that is to force my mind to go blank, to not engage in any kind of discussion or talk in my head, and to focus on "being" and concentrate on everything I am doing as I do it. Therapy has given me an outlet to talk about my problems.

 

[catgeek44]

I was in DBT therapy for a year and a half and it did nothing for me, especially since I was going to DBT during the time I was being drugged by a cult and was made to feel guilty for suggesting another therapy to my therapist. Not to mention that I kept telling my therapist that I didn't understand DBT and she left it up to me to learn things without teaching me first. I am seeing another therapist now, but I've only had about 3 appointments so far. My next appointment isn't until the middle of May due to one appointment being canceled.

I know part of my anger comes from not being listened to when I was a kid. Also, where I'm living now has several triggers, one being the hospital my mom died at. Where I'm moving to also has triggers, but being out there also helps me relax so the location would be a better choice than where I'm living now.

Also, walking isn't the best option for me because I live in an area where there aren't many sidewalks and the main road by me is dangerous to cross because it's so busy, and being angry makes me impulsive, so I don't want to take the chance. I could head the other direction, but I can't afford to buy a pair of waterproof shoes or boots and it just snowed a couple days ago so it's really slushy/muddy.

Letting my mind go blank does help, but I'm not always sure how to accomplish this.

Sorry if my responses sound angry or don't make sense. I've just run into another disappointment and that often sparks my anger. Also, DBT (as well as religion and money) are touchy subjects for me. So my reactions tend to be a bit angry when talking about those things.

I will look through the sections on anger and see if I can come up with any ideas. I'm also going to see if maybe I can find a different route for walking.

Thank you for the help.