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Deleted member 45530
It seems like my whole life has been one traumatic event after another.
It started when I was 2. My therapist from a few years ago when I was partially hospitalized said since then, I learned to be the victim. And others pick up on that.
This summer I went through yet ANOTHER abusive relationship with a sociopathic narcissist. And after every traumatic event the OCD gets worse, the anxiety gets worse, the borderline, the dissociation, the nightmares.... It's been so bad lately.
This relationship was one of the few major traumatic events. It's taking me so much longer to get dressed in the morning. I have to think of a certain thought before putting the shirt over my head. The people from my past are always in my head, so the trick is to think of someone good from my past. Then the shirt can go on. Sometimes it'll be quick, others it will take several minutes. For every. single. piece. of. clothing. I can't live like this anymore.
I want to go back to the PHP program, which is 6 hours per day, 5 days per week, but my mom's not letting me. I have to finish college first or a whole bunch of shit will get taken away. I can't do it after this semester either (it's my last semester) as she says I have to get a job immediately. She is my financial support. What she says, goes. I need help now, though.
Things have gotten so, so bad after this last relationship. I have one friend left. I have just my mom as family. The stress and anxiety are eating away at my body almost literally. As soon as I get a month of happiness, just one incident could set me back. I'll gain five pounds and be ecstatic. Then within a couple days, it'll be back down to 100. I can't gain weight. I honestly feel like I'm being eaten alive by the thoughts and their baggage. I'm scared to death of females. They've been so evil to me throughout my life. Only one hasn't been. She's dead now. I need to get rid of these thoughts. But I miss having a close group of others who share this disorder. I miss having a safe space where I feel I'm not alone. But I have to do this by myself.
Another round of PHP obviously isn't an option. It would be better if I had some sort of support system. I've never had a female friend. I don't really want to anymore. I consider myself gender non-binary. I hate females so much I don't even want to be one, here in my own body. I relate more to males, but those friendships are short-lived as soon as they find out I really don't want to date them. I had a gay male best friend, and that was awesome.... Then he committed a crime and told the cops I did it.
I have no distractions, no way to live in the present moment because the present moment is just snow for miles and me alone in this house while my family ignores me. And my abusive brother, alcoholic father who doesn't give a shit, and my judgmental mother who plays favorites with my abusive brother, probably because she thinks he is her first dead son, when he isn't.
It started when I was 2. My therapist from a few years ago when I was partially hospitalized said since then, I learned to be the victim. And others pick up on that.
This summer I went through yet ANOTHER abusive relationship with a sociopathic narcissist. And after every traumatic event the OCD gets worse, the anxiety gets worse, the borderline, the dissociation, the nightmares.... It's been so bad lately.
This relationship was one of the few major traumatic events. It's taking me so much longer to get dressed in the morning. I have to think of a certain thought before putting the shirt over my head. The people from my past are always in my head, so the trick is to think of someone good from my past. Then the shirt can go on. Sometimes it'll be quick, others it will take several minutes. For every. single. piece. of. clothing. I can't live like this anymore.
I want to go back to the PHP program, which is 6 hours per day, 5 days per week, but my mom's not letting me. I have to finish college first or a whole bunch of shit will get taken away. I can't do it after this semester either (it's my last semester) as she says I have to get a job immediately. She is my financial support. What she says, goes. I need help now, though.
Things have gotten so, so bad after this last relationship. I have one friend left. I have just my mom as family. The stress and anxiety are eating away at my body almost literally. As soon as I get a month of happiness, just one incident could set me back. I'll gain five pounds and be ecstatic. Then within a couple days, it'll be back down to 100. I can't gain weight. I honestly feel like I'm being eaten alive by the thoughts and their baggage. I'm scared to death of females. They've been so evil to me throughout my life. Only one hasn't been. She's dead now. I need to get rid of these thoughts. But I miss having a close group of others who share this disorder. I miss having a safe space where I feel I'm not alone. But I have to do this by myself.
Another round of PHP obviously isn't an option. It would be better if I had some sort of support system. I've never had a female friend. I don't really want to anymore. I consider myself gender non-binary. I hate females so much I don't even want to be one, here in my own body. I relate more to males, but those friendships are short-lived as soon as they find out I really don't want to date them. I had a gay male best friend, and that was awesome.... Then he committed a crime and told the cops I did it.
I have no distractions, no way to live in the present moment because the present moment is just snow for miles and me alone in this house while my family ignores me. And my abusive brother, alcoholic father who doesn't give a shit, and my judgmental mother who plays favorites with my abusive brother, probably because she thinks he is her first dead son, when he isn't.
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