Is Being OK Scarier Than Having PTSD?

[cragger65]

Diana, I love your analogy of the park, and the different methods we employ to reach recovery. I had a similar vision of it after my accident, of all roads converging on a city. Some are highways, some are backroads, but they all lead to the same, good place. I got waylaid along the way, people telling me to take the highway, when clearly I was a back roader, through and through. Maybe just realizing that is the first step to getting myself back on track?? I think that is just maybe so.

Thanks for the perspective,
Dave

 

[CCurry]

It's a good thread and my sufferer has told his new therapist just that, he doesn't know what it feels like to "feel healthy" and so wallowing in his ptsd is what's comfortable for him. I know he's taken some huge steps and I can now see that he really wants to get help but recently he told me that the last time he was getting help for his ptsd as he was getting better he tried to sabotage his progress and so he tells me to forewarn me that this is what happened last time.

He's not sure if he'll do it again but just wanted me to know this piece of information and I believe he's told his therapist too. I think that's a common occurrance but I never asked that?

C.

 

[anni]

I'm probably not as in sinc with my why's and where-fors as so many who posted an answer here. For me it's just a simple feeling that I would love to not have this, and will do anything I can to manage it and lessen PTSD's impact in my life.

One of the posts said 'I just want to be normal again'. Well ditto. I do realize I can't be who I was before, but given the choice and a magic wand I'd be out of this dam thing in a hot second.

Perhaps this isn't a very clear answer so please excuse? The question seemed to be, 'is it a safer feeling to avoid the work towards managing PTSD'. Everyone is different but as a sufferer I've HAD it with living like this! I'm dammed if I sit around and wallow in the destruction and it's horrible working towards managing it, also. Given the choice, I'll take door number 2! It's a desperately hopeless, frightening feeling thinking I can't do anything towards living WELL with PTSD. THERE'S a trigger!

Hope the therapy is giving you both some peace, and take care.

Anni

 

[lrs]

Very profound question.

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

This is actually a difficult question to answer. I definately want to be ok - even normal. However, I've not been ok or "normal" for as long as I can remember. See, I have no idea what it feels like. From my first memories I have been this way, hypervigilent, anxious etc. I hate it, every single moment of it, and it's exhausting. So - NO I don't choose PTSD - it's scary enough - and am sick of it. But I also am not shooting for OK - because I don't know what that is and the unknown can be scary also.

I just want to enjoy life, to feel better most days than not, I want to create a new way of thinking and dealing with life and my emotions, but it might not be someone else's defination of OK. That I'm not afraid of.

 

[luckypink]

Hi Everyone,
Reading post has made me feel really upset, because some of it seems to suggest that some people are not willing to give everything and put a lot of work in to heal. Sometimes it is really tough to be committed to heal all the time, and we can have thoughts and respond to situations in less than perfect ways. But I feel we should congratulate ourselves on all of our achievements and striving to heal. I can relate to the feeling of being 'scarred' and stuck and maybe I will always have residual effects, but I am always hoping for improvement.

I very nearly lost my life to the trauma I experienced, but I have come a long long way, and I have a long way to go. I am sure many many of us here have put a enormous amount of energy into healing, and have many huge leaps. Well done everyone!

We are normal. Forget the labels. I think we are all like stars in the sky, putting lots of effort in to try to overcome the effects of trauma, which was NOT our fault.

(((((((Hugs))))))))

Lucky Pink.

 

[Jagged Angel]

I have difficulty finding the young person hiding inside, the young person who is my 'before'. She hides well. I know she exists, because fleetingly, she appears. I'm beginning to think she is one of those garden faeries who disappears when you look directly at her.

Anyway, in answer to your question: I find it absolutely frightening to think about what it is for me to be 'OK'. I have been dealing with the symptoms of PTSD for over 20 years, and thus it is a serious part of my personality and self now. I am uncertain 'who' I will be if I become 'OK', and this is what scares me - I already have a strange sense of self, and if the thing that makes up a majority of that self is changed to the point of non-recognition, then where am I left? Who am I?

Fortunately, I am determined to heal as much as possible, as I cannot live like this... I guess I will just have to keep on the road to discovering my self, as scary as that is.

 

[onebravegirl]

I have difficulty finding the young person hiding inside, the young person who is my 'before'. She hides well. I know she exists, because fleetingly, she appears. I'm beginning to think she is one of those garden faeries who disappears when you look directly at her.

Anyway, in answer to your question: I find it absolutely frightening to think about what it is for me to be 'OK'. I have been dealing with the symptoms of PTSD for over 20 years, and thus it is a serious part of my personality and self now. I am uncertain 'who' I will be if I become 'OK', and this is what scares me - I already have a strange sense of self, and if the thing that makes up a majority of that self is changed to the point of non-recognition, then where am I left? Who am I?

Fortunately, I am determined to heal as much as possible, as I cannot live like this... I guess I will just have to keep on the road to discovering my self, as scary as that is.

Fortunatley You are the only one entitled to decide who you are. Also who you choose to be. I kinda felt that all that self evaluation was like cleaning a closet. Slowly I learned what were the things I liked and what things I wanted to change. So much of me was what I was told to be or was all about being in survival mode. I finally gave myself permission to be kind to myself and look at myself as just a girl trying to find her way. I made up my mind to no longer accept the word "should" in my view of myself. Shoulding on myself just kept me down. Should was a word my abusers used. Very slowly I started to see my innocence. After that came grieving said lost innocence. Then came anger. Lots of anger. After listening to all of the unheard pain, I slowly was able to see a beautiful little girl who deserved so much better. I would mother my own wounds and be the mother to that wounded girl , and I did. After a long period, those tears quieted. They really did. Then things gradually started to be less fearful. I felt more Ok with the OK. IMO self love is the beginning of the healing. The rest gradually followed.
O

 

[TLight]

Boy, excellent thread and an issue that is very worthy of being addressed.

I'm home for work, but I'll weigh in on this later.

The best way I can expressed my thoughts right now.

"Without 100-infinity committment to healing in an ongoing manner throughout the entire of one's life..........= Healing just doesn't occur."

Could be my entire two cents.

 

[TLight]

The above statement does in no way nullify the statement that 'strives are made, backslides will happen, and every person goes at his/her own pace.'

I think there's difference between some people at a 'stage' in healing and others who are still in denial, still in pain, and still possibly making some painful trade-off to not do the 'work.'

I hate psycobabble, but I guess the 'work' is what it should be called (although the word sort of knarls me).

 

[Fantabulous]

I think there's difference between some people at a 'stage' in healing and others who are still in denial, still in pain, and still possibly making some painful trade-off to not do the 'work.'

When I posed this question, I wasn't trying to say that sufferers don't want to heal. I am a carer (and just learning) but my take is that sufferers definitely do want to heal, and that the healing process is full of stages, steps forward, and steps backwards. That's part of any process (psychological or otherwise) and I agree with what TLight said above. However, there are some that stay in denial or do not continue (or start) therapy. In some ways I guess I'm wondering why. I can understand not wanting to face the trauma...I guess I am curious if sufferers had another reason for not engaging in treatment/therapy (besides lack of availability).

I am enjoying and learning from the discussion...please continue to share!

Fantabulous

 

[Diana]

Spiraling out of Control

We're all familiar with the idea of spiraling out of control. In the interest of using that analogy in a positive way, there is the idea of walking right back up that spiral. A good friend of mine told it to me like this. She said that once everything spiraled out of control for her (like a screw that had driven the tip of itself into the ground; maybe what others would call "hitting bottom"), the tip of the spiral had drilled itself in a bit and was stuck in the ground. The whole screw no longer moved. Then she was able to walk back up the spiral without falling down or being thrown off.

She said walking back up the spiral was her healing process and that every level brought new challenges. She also said she found herself running into the same issues over and over again but from a different angle (just as you would in a building as you get to a higher floor: you’ll see the same scenery but from a higher vantage point).

She said at first she thought she wasn’t making any progress because she kept running into the same issues. Then she realized over time she was resolving issues as she went, that this is what allowed her to move up. The next time a particular issue came up she realized she’d moved away from it.

She told me she knew she was well on her way to her own form of normalcy when she had a dream that she was standing on the roof of a building and let the wind take her away. She said she realized she was flying for some time of her own accord. She decided when she wanted to land, and did so safely on the ground far away from a storm that was moving away from her.

I had a slightly different take on it. I saw PTSD as a bone chilling cold and I used things like sorrow, depression, hatred and rage as blankets. These blankets were the tools of my trade. They kept me warm, dry and safe for a long time. The idea of taking off those covers was unthinkable, especially for me because there is nothing I hate more than being cold.

That was just it, though. The blankets that had protected me for so long were also keeping me in one place and not allowing me to move. It was progress in therapy (and oodles of writing in notebooks) that helped me remove one blanket after another. I did not just take a blanket off and hope for the best. The blankets came off slowly, almost on their own, as I resolved issue after issue. Sometimes I wouldn't realize I was without a particular blanket until I looked down to see it folded up at the end of the bed. With every issue I resolved the warmer the air became, so that eventually I didn’t need the blankets. The best part of this was being able to move around, go places and do things.

I wrote "Tools of the Trade" about 10 years ago. It is posted it in "Poems by Us & Ones By Others To Share."