Is It Healthy To Not Forgive Your Offenders Or Keep Grudges?

[Jane.l]

Interesting thread, it's made me realise how confused I get by forgiveness.

To me, you can choose to forgive someone for an error of judgement if they aplogise, you can choose to forgive things said against you in the heat of the moment but some things to me, are just not on the table for 'forgiveness' - rape and child abuse being two of them, I just don't get it.

Having said that I also realised that I don't (and never have ) carried any anger towards my abusers - I just feel totally numb, so maybe that's part of why the whole forgiveness thing is difficult for me to comprend - and then I get confused. Maybe I am still at blaming me and not them? And then that's a whole different topic - so maybe I am just not at a place this is relevant for me yet, maybe it never will be.

 

[greenleaf]

I see the religious forgiveness in my family, as part of the dynamic that has enabled the complex trauma to go from one generation to the next.

This is the issue that always comes to my mind when I see many "forgiveness" discussions. It's sort of... "Kid, shut up about the abuse that powerful person perpetrated on you; you are bad for not forgiving, and we don't want to challenge anyone powerful (or our own memories of abuse) -- they might hurt us! -- so yes you are the problem for speaking up... we want all their other victims to shut up too so we'll make lack of forgiveness a really heinous thing (and we'll conveniently place it high on our list of evil human behavior, above that annoying social justice stuff) and by the way in case it wasn't clear... if you are not actually being abused this second you should forgive instantly or keep beseeching a deity to help you do so while not bothering us (see the above), and we'll make an example of you if you don't so SHUT UP!"

 

[ms spock]

@greenleaf - that is how I view it too, for similar reasons. It is a worry when a Christian woman is urged to go back to a domestic violence situation, with child sexual abuse as part of the husband's deal, as he is sorry, and now she has to forgive him. That is a more extreme case of it. I think that is one most people can pick apart.

My mother would not acknowledge the sexual abuse for about a decade, even though she was there, standing outside the door, and she said to me laughing. "So when are you going to get over it?" The getting over thing is socially linked to the forgiveness thing for me. The "forgiveness thing" was used to enable a lot of very smart child rapists in the Catholic Church. The forgiveness was more important than bringing the priests to justice before the law. The natural order of things was to place emphasis on the need to forgive, rather than in any way support the victim through effects of the abuse or make restitution. Forgiveness was more important that stopping the nuns and priests from doing the sexual abuse. So I am pretty suspicious of the ideological underpinnings of the whole forgiveness shuffle.

 

[anthony]

That was supposed to be a trigger warning

You didn't forget, it got edited out, as above, trigger warnings are not used here, as everything is potentially a trigger and nobody has the insight to know what will, or will not, trigger another.

 

[Pakadlangitok]

I struggled with this so much. I decided to just do it even if I still FEEL it. Just make the choice and it did help. But it is hard.

 

[Whyteferret]

Not just for PTSD victims, but in general, I mean.

Forgiveness isn't really about the other person. It's about you. When there is no forgiveness, you're still chained to that person by the anger, hate etc. He/ she is still in your head.

Forgiveness is about letting go. Let the Universe handle it. Break the chain.

It doesn't mean that what happened was "fine" or "ok."

It doesn't mean that you need to have some sort of relationship with the person.

It's also a process, not an event. You often have to take the attitude of forgiveness many times.

 

[Friday]

Forgiveness can be healthy or unhealthy.
Not forgiving can be healthy or unhealthy.
All depends on how one goes about it, IMO.

 

[Changing4Best]

To forgive is a decision, but to FEEL the forgiveness is something that can take years. Like others have said, if you are holding bitterness in your heart toward the person, it is better to try to forgive and let that bitterness go if you can, than the let it fester inside you like an open wound.