somerandomguy
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Yes.A victim of sexual violence?
You know why this is, right? Most people who perpetrate sexual violence are serial perpetrators.
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Yes.A victim of sexual violence?
One time when I saw him he made me walk home drunk in a city, although it was a safe area. He may have expected me to call an uber, but I don't remember that being a conversation and I just walked. I was really, really drunk. I was fine and made it home and it was actually a great walk, but this put me off some. The only other thing that would be unsafe about H is he drinks a lot, but he told me on the phone he had stopped after doing something stupid while drunk. I think what happened is he assaulted someone, and I guess that's freaking me out. He seemed mortified, and had taken responsibility for his actions, and him and the friend are okay now. I feel like I may have done something similar but don't remember if it really happened. Some part of me wants to punish myself for this.
I think ^^this^^ right here is probably the foundation.I feel like H could be dangerous, but I also wonder if it's just a trauma response to never being in a healthy relationship or friendship with a man that wasn't a rapist.
Sure but OP is talking about men, not women.You do realize you're on a ptsd forum for men and women right, @Lumos?
So most random men in the street are more likely to be victims of sexual violence than perpetrators of it? Do you have stats to back that up please?Yes.
You know why this is, right? Most people who perpetrate sexual violence are serial perpetrators.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I hope you're around better nicer people now!!
I feel like for the most part I've broken the pattern, but it's SO hard for me to say this person is treating me badly, so I need to leave them. My best friend says I'll take 500 kicks from someone before I realize they're bad for me. I feel like maybe I don't do that as badly anymore, but it's still something I struggle with.
The only other thing that would be unsafe about H is he drinks a lot, but he told me on the phone he had stopped after doing something stupid while drunk. I think what happened is he assaulted someone, and I guess that's freaking me out.
I feel like H could be dangerous, but I also wonder if it's just a trauma response to never being in a healthy relationship or friendship with a man that wasn't a rapist.
Are you in trauma therapy at all? There are reasons that we fall into the same habits, are attracted to similar TYPES of people and find ourselves perpetually repeating things over and over. The question really is finding out why and then making conscious decisions from there to not repeat those practices.
You mentioned 'bad things' happening around people who were using or drinking. Do you have hobbies where you could interact with people where these activities would not be practiced?
If ALL of the men in your life have been rapists? Then you have yet to experience the wonders of mediocrity, general suckiness, and the wide wide world of “great guy, don’t like him”.
It’s a standards issue.
The VAST majority of men aren’t rapists. But you also won’t like most of them, just because of personality differences.
The whole all-or-nothing aspect / cognitive distortion that’s so common will want to paint all kinds of lightweight idiots and jerks waaaaay outside of their class as heavyweight rapists, people you simply don’t like also as rapists... and then because it’s the gift that keep on giving? The reverse. Minimizing seriously f*cked up, toxic, terrible individuals & behavior as “they must be great!” & “this is how I should be treated” ...if you’ve decided they’re not a rapist. :facepalm: Black and white reasoning? Just gets us in a helluva lot of trouble when dealing with people. Because people aren’t all good or all bad.
If women are 3 dimesional to you? Can exist in Hundreds or even Thousands, of different places along the whole “What kind of person is this” & “do I like them?” double helix? It will make it easier for you to start a collection of boring, irritating, infuriating, & still completely harmless men. Which will also allow you to see the gems. It’s a win win to start seeing people as 3 dimensional, but when I say easier? Because you have a group you already do that with? That doesn’t mean it will be easy. Just easier to reality check yourself with, than if you believed at the gut level that all women commit COCSA. It’s still going to be a bit of a journey.
I absolutely did not believe it would be possible for me to get into a situation like this after having done so well for decades. For my entire adult life. Now it all makes sense but I literally destroyed my life and everything I built when I let this person...my husband, enter my life. What I went though with him flared my PTSD to new heights and it caused grave damage which I will not be able to repair.
There are a millon stupid things one can do while drunk that would lead to one to want to quit drinking that wouldn't be anywhere near or even in the same ballpark as assulting someone. Did he give tell you that or are you maybe projecting that onto him?
Yes! I think you feel like he's not safe because you have no experience with safe men. I had this same issue. What helped was my therapist. Who is a man. I practiced feeling safe with him and then was able to slowly practice outside of him. At the moment we are practicing learning how to small talk with people in order to meet people. I personally have an issue with people in general. People terrify me. Why? Because all of my experiences with people were abusive.
Actually I was thinking of just getting together with new people and doing something.Writing seems really solitary but H likes photography so we could probably do something with that!