Is it just me? can't stop feeling therapist must think i am the most annoying client he has.

[Deleted member 42665]

Not sure why but today I'm really down and just can't stop feeling that my therapist must think I am the most annoying client he has. I sometimes feel like I am too dependent or needy. I try not to email, even though he is 100% ok with it and tells me every session that I can, but the last 3 fridays I've emailed once I got done with session because I had further thought on my mind.

He always replies but he didn't this past friday, maybe didn't see it, idk. I keep re-reading and think I sound like a complete idiot and he must be so sick of me. I can't help but think he is probably happy on every day I am not there....

I have also not brought up my issues with obsessive thoughts/second guessing myself yet. I sometimes feel like it will make me lose my mind but I am too afraid to tell him because I don't want to be put on meds. I have bad medication anxiety.

I'm also to the point that I feel sorta jealous of his other clients and I hate that. Not a rage or anger type jealous but more like, I am sure he likes them better and doesn't find them annoying, he is probably happy in sessions with them. I have had the worst day, my mind wont stop.

Anyone else ever feel any of this type of stuff? What can I do?

 

[UnicornSightings]

Not sure why but today I'm really down and just can't stop feeling that my therapist must think I am...

Ha! Completely relate. You're not weird at all. What helped me was talking about it. Told my therapist I was jealous of her other clients and that I think she hates me. Lol! Told her that last bit a few times. Went away (for the most part). Anything now I think involving her I just tell her. Yeah it's super uncomfortable but it makes the other stuff way easier. And it really is normal. They won't think you're weird for it. Love to you! I really know how tough those feelings are!

 

[Deleted member 42665]

Ha! Completely relate. You're not weird at all. What helped me was talking about it. Told my...

Thanks, it is tough, just last week I opened up about attachment and I nearly passed out from nerves but it went fine.

What did your T say about the jealousy? I hate feeling that way, other people need help too but I just can't help but think he would rather me hurry and move on so he can get someone better in there

 

[UnicornSightings]

Ah, the attachment talk. That's always fun. I've had a few of those. We've talked about transference and I've told her how much I hate it. Fairly recently I had the super fun experience of telling her some weeks I really missed her lol. I've cried a lot when she told me (and this I took poorly and she didn't mean it like she wanted me out) that I would be good to go in 6 weeks if I wanted to. I asked her how long she thought I would need to stay. I kinda wanted some security that I wouldn't be pushed out cause that's MY thing. Thinking she's gonna abandon me. Anyway she said with my progress I could be done in 6 weeks and she meant it to be empowering but I FREAKED OUT on her. And brought it up like 3 more weeks in row lol. I got a little crazy but I couldn't imagine that. And what finally settled it was when I said I didn't feel ready and she replied "well then you're not" . That was a really good talk because after it i sent her an email with all these goals I still had for therapy (which she didn't even know about) and now we're on some hard stuff I've never discussed. So it worked out well. About the jealousy thing, she had urged me a couple times to try to say "when you blank, I feel blank". I always thought that was so cheesy so I never did. After a few times of feeling jealous when she'd mention (not being specific) something about a client I eventually said at the end of our session "when you talk about other clients I feel jealous" and she was like "you did it!!" (Use that form she wanted me to use) and she was just so cool about it. Like it's just a feeling, you're not wrong for having it, good job for expressing it. And I haven't felt it since.

This stuff is super hard. It's supposed to be. We are adults with these childish needs but that's ok! That's exactly the place for them!! I hope you feel comfortable enough sharing this stuff with your therapist. If he's good he will completely understand!

 

[UnicornSightings]

Thanks, it is tough, just last week I opened up about attachment and I nearly passed out from nerves...

Oh and also, think about other people. Like think about how annoying some people are. Your therapist doesn't just have all awesome clients and then YOU. He has a mix of clients and ALL of them have issues! HE has issues. We all do. I still think sometimes my therapist forces herself to be nice to be or dreads Tuesdays when my appt is but those are just thoughts and they really are groundless. She's never once given me the impression she doesn't genuinely like me. And she is really good at her job so I think she find something, however small, in everyone she ever meets and focuses on that. Does she love everything about my personality? I doubt it. But she doesn't have to. I'd love for her to think I'm the best person in the entire world and adopt me and have me over for the holidays for the rest of my life but I'm not expecting that lol! They are in our lives for a little while and, while there, it feels so much better to give them the benefit of the doubt. I know it's hard and those thoughts will keep coming up but just remind yourself they come from past beliefs and aren't reality.

 

[Tinyflame]

I actually think it's better to have feelings of jealousy or envy-?- not sure the word, because it's a step up from myself, I just feel less-human, of-less-worth-than-others/ their needs, concerns or worth. Which makes me feel in the way for 'legitimate' people who it's important they are living. I had the unpleasant experience of a person telling me that, too, which made me wonder what they knew? :( :( :(

However, the only reality you can know for sure is to ask, say what you think, and determine if you feel you can trust the response, or weigh actions.

They are still professionals doing their job, it can't be easy.

Best wishes to you.

ETA, I think though, a lot of energy can be consumed in worry, fear, cognitive distortions, comparisons, etc etc. You are receiving your therapy and only you know the efficacy of it, or not. Focusing on doing the best you can, and just who and how you are- your thoughts, actions & intentions, not compared to anyone or anything (which is what makes you 'you'), is all that you're responsible for and need concern yourself with. And hopefully viewing yourself in a reasonably fair and more kind way. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I had the exact same feelings a few years ago too.. Therapist can't be bothered with me.. And all her other clients are better than me.. I think it may be transference.. And I think it shows you're building an alliance with her.. An attachment.. Because maybe you want her to care about you - and only you - just as a good mother would :)

 

[Deleted member 42665]

I had the exact same feelings a few years ago too.. Therapist can't be bothered with me.. And all her other...

He but yes I get your point


And glad to know its "normal" I'll try to work up courage to discuss it soonish. I am not good at these topics, they take a lot out of me just being paranoid beforehand

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Oh yeah, I hope you can talk to him about it and I hope he understands, good luck!

 

[Tinyflame]

I think it depends on whether you 'feel' you're not worth it, 'fear' you're not worth it, or believe you're not worth it (the help, and asking for it/ receiving it), as to what approach is necessary to even try to overcome it. For myself I wouldn't say transference but past experiences, self esteem or worth, shame, self-identity, perceived lack of regard or trust, regrets or fear, those sorts of things, definitely.

Because I also thought, as per trust, most if not all, at some level, interpersonal trauma(s) I've experienced have had an element of deceit, +/or betrayal alongside the harm. Maybe they didn't see it that way, but it's what I experienced.

 

[Matt1]

Not sure why but today I'm really down and just can't stop feeling that my therapist must think I am...

Hello. First of all, what you're experiencing is okay. Don't beat yourself up about it. Or at least try not to. Also, I'm guessing that your therapist probably knows or at least suspects that you have issues with obsessive thinking, and he or she is likely waiting for you to introduce the subject. I also have the tendency to have my thoughts spiral into a twister and just keep ramping up until I've punished myself pretty hard. And therapists have experience with sussing that kind of thing out. So if they haven't suggested medication yet, then there is no reason to think that they're going to immediately jump to those options. Also, you mentioned that this person is your "therapist," and not your "psychiatrist." Since psychologists and social workers cannot prescribe medication, they usually don't jump to those options.

One of the important things that makes therapy really valuable is that they're being paid to be there. I have friends, and when I confide in one of them about my stuff, I feel bad that I'm boring or freaking them out, or just being annoying. And I often ask them for reassurance. But a therapist is being paid for their expertise. I don't care if I'm annoying her, or boring her. She's MY therapist. It's her job to accept my annoying behaviors and crappy thoughts and help me with them.

I strongly recommend that you share these thoughts that you're having with your therapist. Feel free to start with the fact that you have a lot of medication anxiety so that they know to really cushion introducing stuff like that. Try not to worry about what your therapist is feeling, or whether they're enjoying themselves. Their feelings don't matter in this relationship. The only thing that matters is if they're doing a good job for you and helping you.

Take care of yourself. Be well.

 

[Scarlet13]

Not sure why but today I'm really down and just can't stop feeling that my therapist must think I am...

I did not read all the responses, but Is this transference? Did you have a parent think you were annoying? This is the case for me. But my mom litetarally hated/rejected me and so I pass that on to my t. The thing that helped was when she said it is hard to have an attachment and it takes courage. Then I brought in the poem Courage by Anne Sexton and we talked about it more. It was great.