Is It Okay To Feel Sad For Oneself???

[Lionheart]

I realize that may seem like a dumb question, but I really don't know if it is okay or if it is the same as self-pity. My father had pity and love confused and I think i grew up with the same confusion over what is healthy and what is not when it comes to feelings, esp of Sadness/ Love/Pity

I have begun to process some long buried feelings that are a result of childhood satanic ritual abuse and I feel a lot of emotional pain rising up and an overwhelming sense of sadness....

I need to share these unhappy feelings with people who might understand, but I don't want to come off like I am feeling sorry for myself .

Is it okay that I hurt for the young man that I once was? Is it productive? Is it normal? Or am I just being a big selfish baby?

I need to release these feelings of hurt and anger and all the other emotions that I've repressed, but I want to be an adult about it and not wallow in self-pity.

I guess in a way, I am seeking permission to grieve and perhaps an understanding shoulder to cry on and just want to be sure that I am not making a bad situation worse by feeling sorry for myself.

 

[sun seeker]

My unprofessional opinion here: not only is it not selfish, but it's crucial. Most therapists you ask would agree. How can you get to a different place if you don't allow yourself to experience where you are now? Feelings aren't good or bad, they just are. If they are there, you need to find a safe way to let yourself feel them and express them. When they're about a trauma as big as this, that safety is very important, so don't push too far too fast and make sure you have that shoulder to cry on physically as well as online. Are you working with a trauma therapist who understands this kind of abuse? My concern would be that this is an area that most therapists don't have much of an inkling about, and it takes extra sensitivity on their part to know how to work with it.

Personally, I can't stand the expression "wallowing in self pity" and see the expression as a problem, not the people who are letting themselves grieve for what they've lost. Yes, eventually the idea is that you'll have grieved long enough and be able to move on, but no one but you has the right to decide when that is.

So for what it's worth, you have my permission.

 

[Lionheart]

@sun seeker Thank you a million times over....I was afraid that I was being too selfish. I am starting to tremble and I don't like that I still have issues to work on after all these years in therapy (17 years), but I think this was some of the worst of the trauma I suffered so it got buried the deepest.

Thank you for helping me understand that it is normal and important!!!

 

[joeylittle]

I guess in a way, I am seeking permission to grieve and perhaps an understanding shoulder to cry on and just want to be sure that I am not making a bad situation worse by feeling sorry for myself.

I agree with @sun seeker, grief is important. I only think it turns into self-harm when a person gets stuck in grief and never finds acceptance. Sometimes I just wish time would go backwards - but it can't. Accepting that the past is the past and allowing yourself to feel for it is healthy; thinking the past was better than the present, or that you need to re-do your past - not healthy (in my opinion)

 

[ghotiff]

I another thread Kas wrote that to fill a cup with new emotions the cup needs to be emptied of the old ones.

I think it's important that you allow yourself too feel these sad feelings that you have buried to allow room to have happier feelings later.

I have some buried feelings also that are starting to come out but I struggle with allowing myself to feel them. Everytime they come to the surface my brain tells me to stop...and I'm struggling to unwire this.

Good luck with this.

 

[Friday]

Grief is different from wallowing.

A good wallow here and there is fine, in and of itself. It's just dangerous to have it stretch on. Self pity, to poor me, to martyr... Are all versions of helplessness. They're rooted in it.

Now, we're all powerless to change the past, but we're not powerless in our present. That's where the danger lies; in making us as powerless in our minds now as we either were then, or we are to change what happens then.

I think we've all known the person who is so rooted in feeling sorry for themselves, that they cannot even see -much less believe- that they have any power over their own lives. They're blinded by their faith in their own helplessness.

***

There's a great story about a man on the roof of his house during a terrific flood. A man of deep faith, he had no fear, God would save him. A little while goes by and a man in a canoe paddles by, tells him to climb in! But the man of faith sends him away. He isn't afraid, God will save him. A little while goes by, the storm rages on and the floodwaters rise, and a search and rescue team on in a zodiac powers up to the roof. Despite their urgings the man doesn't climb aboard. Go find someone else, he's a man of great faith, God will save him! Use his seat in the zodiac for someone else, someone who needs saving. Eventually, they too go on their way. The storm is just getting worse, and by now even up on his roof the waters start swirling around him. From out of the storm, though, the rhythmic whoomphing of a helicopters blades startle him into looking up. A line drops, arms frantically wave at him to climb up! But the man shouts into the storm, waving his arms emphatically. He doesn't need them , God will save him. And so the helicopter, able to hover in the strong winds no longer, also disappears into the night.

The floodwaters rise. The man drowns. He meets God in Heaven, simply stunned. How could God not have saved him??? He'd been a man of faith his whole life, he had depended and counted on God in his hour of need and been abandoned!

God looks at the man and says; "What are you talking about?!? You weren't abandoned! I sent you a canoe, a zodiac, a helicopter....."

***

Self-pity is like that. It's different than sorrow, different than grief. It blinds people to the possibilities in their present. So sorry for themselves, that they will lay down and wait for death, rather than do something about it. In no small part, because of an inability to see anything that can be done about it. Like the man on the roof, blinded by his own ideas of how things "should" be, he cannot see things for how they are.

 

[shimmerz]

result of childhood satanic ritual abuse

LionHeart, I think if a young man came to you telling you he had enduring this ^^^

Or am I just being a big selfish baby?

That you would not make him feel like this ^^^^

There is a difference between being compassionate and being full of pity. From reading your posts, I feel that it is safe to say that you are a compassionate being. Go easy on yourself ....

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Yes, mourning is PERFECTLY fine and I believe an essential part of healing. (A therapist once told me so!)

Self-pity is more along the "woe is me", playing the victim type thing, which is VERY different.

I still get a little sad from time to time that my life didn't turn out as I had planned. But, a number of good things have happened that wouldn't have happened otherwise, so it isn't all bad....even though I do sometimes wonder where I'd be right now if I hadn't been traumatized? (And I'm definitely not one of those people that say "woohoo, I'm glad I was traumatized because now I'm stronger/whatever")

Its also ok to get angry and be mad at what happened to you and be upset that you've had to struggle with that as well. This is something I tend to do more of, but I think a lot of it is in relation to being judged by others. That is, I beat myself up for being so far "behind" the rest of society, but that's only because I feel heaps of judgment thrown upon me.

I think its important to see the function of the emotion and not label any given emotion as "good" or "bad". Self-pity? Well, most of the time it keeps us stuck and doesn't move us forward, so overall a less productive feeling/behavior. Mourning the past? A bit more productive as it really can move us forward as we recognize that which we missed and work on gaining those things in the future. The same can be done for any emotion.

 

[moonbeam]

I think being sad is crucial. Its important to recognise and grief for what we were deprived of and the horrible situations we endured. Its okay to be sad. Its okay to be angry.

It just becomes dangerous when its a constant sadness. Or it becomes feeling helpless. Its okay to acknowledge and feel sad for the tragedy of the past its important to try and see the resilience of surviving and to use it to move forward for better things in the future. Its not always easy and thats okay.

I try to see it as my abusers ruined a lot of my past, I don't want them to ruin my future as well.

 

[Lionheart]

I am so grateful for all the replies...

@FridayJones what great insight, thank you so much. I really enjoyed the story!!!

@shimmerz If a young man came to me and told me he had endured satanic ritual abuse I would cry with him and offer to help in any way I could. Thank you for your estimation of me as a compassionate man, certainly try to be.

@Solara I guess I am mourning the fact that I had to endure such a disturbing and traumatizing experience. I suppose I feel like I should be further along in my healing than I am, but that is not really very productive and so I will just accept that I am where I am and allow myself to feel the grief and pain.

@moonbeam Thank you, I didn't want to be selfish or to have self-pity and now I think I understand the difference between grieving and being stuck in self-pity.

 

[Pencil]

It was Jung who said that neurosis is a substitute for legitimate suffering. For this reason, I firmly believe that self-pity / wallowing / whatever we want to call it is a flag for real suffering that still has to be endured, i.e. the full acceptance of what happened, and the grieving for both what happened and what didn't happen.

@Lionheart777 , feeling sad for yourself will ensure that you don't neurotically feel sorry for yourself (but I'm not sure I'm expressing myself clearly). To me this is all academic: I don't have the guts, so I really admire you.

 

[Suzetig]

I think it's normal to feel sad for yourself as you realise the injuries done to you by people who should care, and as you realise the absence of that care in your life. I know I've been feeling a real grief for my childhood experiences and relationships that impact me now. Be gentle with yourself. I'm trying to treat myself like I've had a bereavement, lots of space and self care. I don't get the sense that you're wallowing so much as grieving.