Erica Kamp
New Here
Ok.. Hi everyone, this is my first post here and I've been reading a lot here lately. (I'm gonna apologize in advance, because english is my second language, so maybe would be a lot a mistakes here lol)
This is gonna be long...
Anyway, I'm coming here because I am getting really exhausted. I am a supporter of a 36 years old veteran. He was a marine in Iraq for 27 months, 6 years ago.
We met a few months ago in a bar, which both of us are regular. I first heard about him, heard from another costumer that he tried to kill himself, then finally I met K. When we met I felt a huge desire to become close to him. I suffer from depression and anxiety and always thought that could be helpful be friends with someone similar, that understands.
At the moment we met we felt a great connection. We started to become close and close and started to hang out all the time, we started to get more involved and started to kiss and make out... Until then was great, I couldn't even notice his "depression". When I asked about the suicide he said he didn't try, was just a rumor. And I believed. I couldnt see any sadness on him.
After a month, one night we were talking and I asked him if he was a military in the past.
His world fell apart and he looked at me shocked. "How do you know? Nobody but my family know!! how do you know?"
At this moment I started to see what he was holding. The way he reacted....
After that day he started to open up to me, tell me about how guilty he feels for killing "who was on the way". Saying that he is a monster, he doesnt deserve to live, that he is a bad person. And he started to call me his "best friend".
One night we had a talk and he made it clear he doesn't date. He goes out with girls and play with them, make them his toys, but he doesn't date. Because he is not able to have emotions and doesn't want anybody carrying his burden. That he doesn't let anybody get close. (what changed later in the story)
(Sorry for throw the stories like this, I just need to take this out off my chest, since nobody knows besides me about his problems, theres nobody I can talk to)
One night we were at his place having a talk and a few drinks (I really think he doesnt drink too much, but I know is bad for him because of this) and I said something stupid about death. He freaked out and broke a glass on the wall and locked himself in the bathroom. I felt like the worse person in the world and got my things to leave.. before I left I asked him if he would talk to me, he said yes and I apologize... he came out of the bathroom crying and begged me to not leave, that he doesnt want me to be scared of him, that I am really important and he doensnt want me to think he is a bad person, that was his job, was not his fault... Then he thanked me for talking about it, because he felt way much better talking about that. I told him I'm never scared of him, I was leaving because I thought he didnt wanna see me anymore.
The thing is, is hard to make plans with him for example. One time he invited me to hang out and meet at this place at 8. He never showed up. I called him and texted him for 2 days. When I finally stopped, he texted me back saying that he would never do it again, that he is struggling to understand why i didnt walk away yet, why I'm still around after all that. Why i wanna be his friend. I asked him a million times if he wanted me to walk away and he begs me to not leave him. That he is a horrible friend, but he needs me around because he has nobody else.
And that happened more than once, he makes plans then never shows up. Sometimes he ditches me to hang out with other people, people that don't know about his illness.
We dont have a relationship, I'm just his "best friend", thats how he introduces me to people, but even though, nothing is so intense how we both together. We cant stay away, he always kisses me or is trying to touch his hands on mine. Never appeals for sex.
One day I confronted him about the sex thing and he said "Dont you see you are different? you are special. I'm not gonna make you think I'm using you"
But he said he doenst have emotions, whats different then?
Well, my point is... Last week he asked me for a break from me... I said friends dont take breaks, but fine!
He came back less than a day after apologizing and explaining that he cant be fixed, that he is always gonna be a mess and nobody cant fix him. And he didnt mean to put me down by asking for the break. he said he think I'm too close and he is not used to that, that he cant have that because he is no good, that not even his therapist knows what I know. He said he is just scared of how close I got.
I am reading books about ptsd, I am reading blogs, this forum.. Is just too complicated for me to understand. Specially with my anxiety disorder.
And clearly I am crazily IN LOVE with him.
He goes to therapy and takes medication for almost 5 years. I guess something should change.
Also before the military he experienced an ex-girlfriend committing suicide in front of him. He told me he tried suicide multiple times and I see a new scar every week on his wrist (from auto mutilation).
I care so much about him, but this is killing me. I cant concentrate on my own life because I am getting too close to him like this.
I don't know how to deal with this since I am in love with him, and honestly I feel he feels the same way because he is even more about showing this that I am, but he says he has no emotions.
You know the sign that someone is in love? The guy that says you are his best friend, that is a player, would talk to you about other girls, he doenst. If we are with friends, all his attention is on me, If we are again with friends and I leave his side or He leaves my side, he always try to keep eye contact from distance, or smile at me ALL THE TIME. If I leave the room, he follows me with his eyes, the same when I return. He always tries to hold my hand, and even kisses me in public, or tease me, or pokes me... stuff like that.. Thats clear sign someone is in love... But he always says he is incapable of feelings.
So I'm confused.
He is just afraid to hurt me? (he mentioned that once and he promised never hurt me) or I'm just the person he is using to talk to?
Should I give up on him? I dont understand why, I never felt this way.. I see so much hope on him, I never felt like this about someone, so much potential. That I wanna help. But he doenst see that. He said he has no hope, He is no hope.
I dont know what else to do...
Does he love me too? Should I keep being his friend? Should I walk away? I need help! I'm sorry for the huge story, is my first time talking about it with someone besides him and it feels awesome taking this off my chest!!
This is gonna be long...
Anyway, I'm coming here because I am getting really exhausted. I am a supporter of a 36 years old veteran. He was a marine in Iraq for 27 months, 6 years ago.
We met a few months ago in a bar, which both of us are regular. I first heard about him, heard from another costumer that he tried to kill himself, then finally I met K. When we met I felt a huge desire to become close to him. I suffer from depression and anxiety and always thought that could be helpful be friends with someone similar, that understands.
At the moment we met we felt a great connection. We started to become close and close and started to hang out all the time, we started to get more involved and started to kiss and make out... Until then was great, I couldn't even notice his "depression". When I asked about the suicide he said he didn't try, was just a rumor. And I believed. I couldnt see any sadness on him.
After a month, one night we were talking and I asked him if he was a military in the past.
His world fell apart and he looked at me shocked. "How do you know? Nobody but my family know!! how do you know?"
At this moment I started to see what he was holding. The way he reacted....
After that day he started to open up to me, tell me about how guilty he feels for killing "who was on the way". Saying that he is a monster, he doesnt deserve to live, that he is a bad person. And he started to call me his "best friend".
One night we had a talk and he made it clear he doesn't date. He goes out with girls and play with them, make them his toys, but he doesn't date. Because he is not able to have emotions and doesn't want anybody carrying his burden. That he doesn't let anybody get close. (what changed later in the story)
(Sorry for throw the stories like this, I just need to take this out off my chest, since nobody knows besides me about his problems, theres nobody I can talk to)
One night we were at his place having a talk and a few drinks (I really think he doesnt drink too much, but I know is bad for him because of this) and I said something stupid about death. He freaked out and broke a glass on the wall and locked himself in the bathroom. I felt like the worse person in the world and got my things to leave.. before I left I asked him if he would talk to me, he said yes and I apologize... he came out of the bathroom crying and begged me to not leave, that he doesnt want me to be scared of him, that I am really important and he doensnt want me to think he is a bad person, that was his job, was not his fault... Then he thanked me for talking about it, because he felt way much better talking about that. I told him I'm never scared of him, I was leaving because I thought he didnt wanna see me anymore.
The thing is, is hard to make plans with him for example. One time he invited me to hang out and meet at this place at 8. He never showed up. I called him and texted him for 2 days. When I finally stopped, he texted me back saying that he would never do it again, that he is struggling to understand why i didnt walk away yet, why I'm still around after all that. Why i wanna be his friend. I asked him a million times if he wanted me to walk away and he begs me to not leave him. That he is a horrible friend, but he needs me around because he has nobody else.
And that happened more than once, he makes plans then never shows up. Sometimes he ditches me to hang out with other people, people that don't know about his illness.
We dont have a relationship, I'm just his "best friend", thats how he introduces me to people, but even though, nothing is so intense how we both together. We cant stay away, he always kisses me or is trying to touch his hands on mine. Never appeals for sex.
One day I confronted him about the sex thing and he said "Dont you see you are different? you are special. I'm not gonna make you think I'm using you"
But he said he doenst have emotions, whats different then?
Well, my point is... Last week he asked me for a break from me... I said friends dont take breaks, but fine!
He came back less than a day after apologizing and explaining that he cant be fixed, that he is always gonna be a mess and nobody cant fix him. And he didnt mean to put me down by asking for the break. he said he think I'm too close and he is not used to that, that he cant have that because he is no good, that not even his therapist knows what I know. He said he is just scared of how close I got.
I am reading books about ptsd, I am reading blogs, this forum.. Is just too complicated for me to understand. Specially with my anxiety disorder.
And clearly I am crazily IN LOVE with him.
He goes to therapy and takes medication for almost 5 years. I guess something should change.
Also before the military he experienced an ex-girlfriend committing suicide in front of him. He told me he tried suicide multiple times and I see a new scar every week on his wrist (from auto mutilation).
I care so much about him, but this is killing me. I cant concentrate on my own life because I am getting too close to him like this.
I don't know how to deal with this since I am in love with him, and honestly I feel he feels the same way because he is even more about showing this that I am, but he says he has no emotions.
You know the sign that someone is in love? The guy that says you are his best friend, that is a player, would talk to you about other girls, he doenst. If we are with friends, all his attention is on me, If we are again with friends and I leave his side or He leaves my side, he always try to keep eye contact from distance, or smile at me ALL THE TIME. If I leave the room, he follows me with his eyes, the same when I return. He always tries to hold my hand, and even kisses me in public, or tease me, or pokes me... stuff like that.. Thats clear sign someone is in love... But he always says he is incapable of feelings.
So I'm confused.
He is just afraid to hurt me? (he mentioned that once and he promised never hurt me) or I'm just the person he is using to talk to?
Should I give up on him? I dont understand why, I never felt this way.. I see so much hope on him, I never felt like this about someone, so much potential. That I wanna help. But he doenst see that. He said he has no hope, He is no hope.
I dont know what else to do...
Does he love me too? Should I keep being his friend? Should I walk away? I need help! I'm sorry for the huge story, is my first time talking about it with someone besides him and it feels awesome taking this off my chest!!
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