Is It Wise To Live With Another Sufferer?

[Ryn]

To clarify, the person in question in my particular case has not been diagnosed with PTSD to my knowledge, but I suspect she may have it and she certainly has many of the same symptoms/issues if not. Either way I thought this thread might open discussion about the issue in general, and I'm hoping to find some input and advice.

Next year I'm living off-campus for the first time and I have been hoping that this friend I speak of could live with me in an apartment, and this is looking like more and more of a reality. I would consider her one of my closest friends - we have known each other since young childhood and most of the time we get along wonderfully. We nearly always manage to cheer the other person up when no one else can, and provide joy and fun, and in that way I think rooming together could be very beneficial for us both.

However, even aside from the possible PTSD I suspect, she deals with severe anxiety, panic disorder, agoraphobia, depression, and depersonalization disorder, as well as some eating issues.

The few times that she has had a panic attack in front of me, I was able to stay calm and soothe her, but it messed with me for several days. I am very sensitive to and aware of other people's pain and while I seem outwardly okay, I really struggle with internalizing and personalizing the struggles of others. I take their burdens as my own and feel immense guilt and fear for them - this is probably one of the strongest aftereffects of the nature of my trauma. I can recognise that I do this, but I'm still struggling to change it. The fact that this particular friend has threatened suicide to me several times before makes me even more paranoid and stressed out.

I am really the only person she has left though. Her family has all but abandoned her and she has no close friends but me. I know that doesn't mean if am responsible for her, but I really can't help feeling that way. She is like my little sister. But at the same time, I am scared of the negative influences we might have on each other.

(The current alternative, I might add, is my living alone, which carries its own list of potentially harmful issues for me.)

Has anyone had any experience with living with another sufferer, of PTSD otherwise? Can it work out? Any thoughts are welcome.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Given what you have said, I'd recommend against it. It's good to have someone who understands, but living with another sufferer has the potential for things to spiral out of control for the both of you.

Do you visit the supporter forum at all? I know you wouldn't be a partner, but you would likely fall into a larger role of a supporter. Can you handle being both a sufferer and a supporter? I sort of have my doubts as to this being a good thing as most supporters struggle with one role, let alone two. That is, it is hard to be a supporter, and unless you're far enough along in your own treatment, I'd advise against falling into this role.

 

[NovemberStar]

Personally, I think recovering form PTSD is a full time job in itself - our lives are often challenging and hard enough as it is, without complicating it further.

I'd advise against it, for that very reason. I think it sounds like the two of you could end up in a very dysfunctional, co-dependent relationship / friendship, and I can't see how it would be healthy for either one of you. It's not uncommon for people with a lot of emotional and mental issues to attract one another (like moths to a flame), but it's rarely healthy unless both parties have had a LOT of therapy AND are very very stable with excellent communication and coping skills.

Taking care of her might appeal to you for a number of reasons - perhaps its the 'caretaker' in you, or perhaps its a way to avoid facing your own issues (not deliberately, I mean unconsciously).

Either way, I think you will both need to put some VERY good boundaries in place for your friendship to survive, and not become all consuming and very unhealthy for either of you. Sooner rather than later.

 

[Ryn]

Thanks to both of you. I really appreciate your honesty.

@NovemberStar, yes, I definitely have always sought to care for other people in order to avoid my own issues. That is one of my main concerns here.

@Solara, no, I don't think I could handle being a supporter at this time, and I don't think she could either. I guess I was hoping we could just cohabit without acting as personal therapist for each other, but I know things are rarely that simple. I am wondering if boundaries would be the key to ever possibly making this work. Perhaps we would have to make a plan and sign it - that we each must be in therapy, must have a plan if we feel very low and agree to following it, must have rules about food and sleeping and such.

I do want to add that we have had lots of experience "living together" - we grew up next door neighbours, have spent lots of time at each other's houses, and in the past few years especially we have lived with each other for weeks at a time, and traveled together as well. She has always been the one person who I've never felt tired of or like I need a break from - she is very self-sufficient and non-demanding, and so doesn't stress me out like many other people do. I know I chose to focus on my worries in this thread, but I should probably add that I do feel very confident (a rare feeling for me!) that aside from the mental health issues, we would live perfectly together.

I have had some very unhealthy friendships before, but this isn't one of them. That's another reason I want to be so careful about this decision and that I make the right one.

 

[Meadowsweet]

As a general question, I would say sometimes it can work, but that would depend on what stresses each of you and how you handle it.

But from what you've said in your opening post, it sounds like you've already sussed out that this isn't going to work. It's something that could lose you, what sounds like, a really good friendship. It doesn't seem worth the risk.

 

[FindingMyself88]

I think boundaries play a huge part in it. I can't say I've lived with another PTSD sufferer, but one of my roommates last year had Bipolar disorder, anxiety attacks, and OCD. She also had Acute stress disorder for a few months prior to us living together. We worked really well together, but it is because we balanced each other. She was more hyper and manic, where I was more depressed and isolated. We could both sense when something was off with the other. However, we didn't rush to the others needs. We often let that person have time to calm down, and then offered to be there to listen. It worked well for us. She was one person I could be honest with, and same for her. She is the roommate that took me to the hospital when I became suicidal.

We also would alert each other if we were having a bad day and we both didn't have a problem with saying "I love you, but I can't help you today." and we didn't take offense to it.

I definitely don't think it works for everyone as prior to that I had a roommate who had anxiety disorder and now claims to have PTSD. It really messed me up when living with her. She would be there for me, but it always came down to her ALWAYS needing to talk to me and her talks triggered my own issues. I still have issues with her now even though we don't live together.

So please be careful if you decide to do this and make sure you have some strong boundaries set and that you both can stick to them!

 

[Echo]

I think I would only enter into it on the basis of an experiment with firm plans in place if it looked like it was turning out to be problematic for either of you. It might be great; it would certainly be a big challenge, but the question could be whether you would have time to deal with the issues involved as well as studying. On the plus side, you would certainly understand one another much better than non-sufferers and possibly have similar requirements for peaceful living. On the negative side, you might well get swamped by each other's issues. Either way, I think separate rooms would be necessary!

 

[Echo]

I forgot to mention that I did share with a friend who had (undiagnosed) bipolar. I had CFS then. We spent far too much time, I think in retrospect, on discussing our stuff. Maybe a bit of a hothouse atmosphere! But we are still friends and I would contemplate living with her again so it didn't kill the relationship.

 

[anthony]

From my perspective, living with another sufferer when you are purely friends, has more pros than cons. You know things about the other person in which to respect, which you don't do from guilt or such, but because you understand the reasons behind doing such.

No doubt if you both had a bad day at once, that could be interesting if you wanted to clash with someone... but still, I think it has more benefits.

 

[Ryn]

Thank you all. :) Lots of good points.

I don't need to decide until the end of the year, so I have some time. A lot of things might change, for good or bad, between now and then, as well. But for now it is helpful for me to begin thinking about this earlier rather than later so I can have a foundation on which to ponder.

I really want it to work out, but I also know that when it comes down to it, the best thing we can do for each other as friends is look after our own oxygen masks first, so to speak, however that ends up looking.

 

[Ryn]

An unexpected update - another good friend has expressed a very strong interest in living with me as well, and she might possibly have another friend (whom I've met) who might consider living with us too. Not only would that be great news for the rent, with four people to split, but both these new people have very steady and lighthearted personalities with no major mental health issues that I know of to add to the situation. If by some miraculous chance all of these people worked out, I feel MUCH better about a situation with two additional roommates who could both provide a positive influence on the household. That way, if there is any stress with the initial friend I spoke of, I wouldn't be alone in trying to support her, and she me. In any other case I might be worried that adding more people to the scenario would wreak havoc on my own need for quiet and solitude, but it so happens with these particular people I don't see any problems at all - if anything, having a bit more community with other calm, introverted people to keep me from being isolated is probably a good thing. So... we'll see.