Is Ptsd Easier To Manage When Single?

[WendyVictoria]

I recently moved in with my SO. My relationship is relatively healthy dispite both of our mental illnesses. I have severe treatment resistant PTSD. When I lived on my own I didn't have to make any compromises when it came to the living environment. I have weird triggers. For example the colour red is a trigger. My SOs mom bought him red curtains for our apartment and his favourite sports team has a red jersey so there's a lot of red in our apartment. I also need a very clean environment but my SO is messy. He definitely makes an effort to clean more though so that's nice. Normally these would be normal compromises that anyone in a relationship has to make but because of my PTSD they feel terrible. I also hate the face my SO makes when I'm having a bad moment or day. I also have no room to privately express my anger. I'm stuck between being a total control freak about our apartment and sucking it up and being miserable. Another huge thing is my misophonia. My only solace used to be my home but my SO is a nail biter and it reduces me to tears regularly. I feel like I can't complain to my friends about this because it's more than just missing the single life. Has anyone else gone through this too? I also moved across the country for my SO and haven't made many new friends yet so I don't have anyone I can talk to face to face about this.

 

[mamachick]

I think it may be a matter of adapting. If you live alone, you learn how to deal with it and there are likely triggers too. Adapting to living with another human is a challenge, with or without ptsd. I need an orderly and clean environment and I don't think it has anything to do with ptsd....just part of who I am. Other family members have been very messy. Does make it hard.

 

[Killashandra]

Hi Wendy,

I'm probably not the greatest person to give advice on the single life but I have had many years experience with having a SO so here is my scope on the situation..

Compromise is a big part of being in a relationship, in an ideal relationship it would involve compensating and addressing the issues before they get out of control. But compromising shouldn't make you feel bad.

Firstly, RED. If red is a big trigger for you but is part of your SOs life then maybe he can dedicate one section of the house to his team instead of having it all over the house... thereby giving you a safe place to live in.

The cleaning - well he obviously knows that it bothers you so he is attempting to do his part and keep things cleanish for you.

The misophonia - this is a hard one, habits are hard to break, personally my misophonia is animals licking themselves.. it drives me nuts and frequently have to interrupt our dogs cleaning schedule if she chooses to do it in front of me... it's a big trigger and I can't stand it.. I understand where the hatred for it came from but I still haven't managed to get past it...
Have you discussed him growing his nails out? I was a nail biter until I met my husband, he hated it so after many months of hand slapping I broke the habit and have lovely long nails ever since.

Sharing your space with someone is indeed a hard thing to do but if you are open and honest with him as he should be with you, things should work out.

In the mean time, go out and make some friends if you can, I know this can be hard specially when you've moved across country.
But there are plenty of community groups and libraries etc to visit and after a few visits you'll get to know people.

I do hope it all works for you, and don't forget the tools you have to calm down.

Killa

 

[WendyVictoria]

Thank you for your replies. I like the idea of keeping his jerseys in one room. We've talked about this but it upset him. The curtains he doesn't care about but I don't have the money to replace all of them right now. I'm replacing them one at a time right now.

I've joined a couple groups and what not but I've only been here a couple months so it'll be a little while before I redevelop a social circle. I used to be very socially active so that's been a hard adjustment.

I feel like I have to mention things at least two or three times before anything changes which is frustrating. Especially since being assertive is already hard for me and he has so many habits that trigger me. This is the first time I've lived with an SO since I'm only 20 so it's been hard. I have no experience with this. I've only ever lived at home (where I was abused) or with roommates.

 

[grimalkin]

I'm on the "supporter" side of this - at the tail end of a marriage with someone who didn't admit he had PTSD until we ended up in marriage counseling, seven years into our relationship, 5 1/2 years into our marriage.

Living with someone else has been very hard on him, and I had no idea. I thought he was just being controlling, in flipping out about things like buying a new throw pillow for the living room. He hates most patterns, doesn't like bright colors, and has issues with any...I wouldn't even call it a "mess"...that isn't his. I've had to remind him many many times over the course of our relationship (and through four homes) that I live here too, and have to be able to be comfortable as well - without realizing how uncomfortable he was.

Mixed in with his view that any compromise on his part was me getting my way 100%, it really led to resentment on both our parts.

Be open, be honest, be patient with your partner. Obviously, they shouldn't purposely do things or have things that are triggering, but they also need to be able to live and be comfortable in their home. Relationships are all about compromise, and communication. If you feel you are starting to be unable to compromise, be sure to communicate! And I realize this is easier said than done, but remember that your partner is not TRYING to trigger you (if he is, obviously that's a whole other kettle of fish).

Ask him to really research your version of PTSD, and be honest with him about your wants and needs, while at the same time realizing he has his own.

And, ultimately, realize that it's not up to him to manage your PTSD. Those of us on the other side will never completely understand what you're going through, but there are so many of us who want nothing more than our loved ones to be safe and happy - if it's with us, even better! But we can't read minds, walk on eggshells constantly, or be expected to make all the compromises in a relationship.

So...is it easier to be single with PTSD? Quite possibly. But if you choose not to be, it's a lot of work, for all involved parties.

 

[WendyVictoria]

Thank you Grimalkin for your perspective. I think that's something I'm struggling with a lot lately. It is very exhausting to find compromises that don't compromise my mental health. We're both still learning to live together and I really want him to feel at home so I've given up a lot but sometimes it feels awkward to ask for a change thats seems so insignificant. Some of my triggers feel random and I don't talk about my traumas to my SO so he will never know the source. I'm not ready to talk about it nor do I feel it's beneficial at all.

Hopefully it'll get easier over time.

 

[Nessa7]

Would creating a trigger-free space in your apartment help? My first thought was a desk facing a wall or a closet. That way you can have an area in your home that you could expect to be free of triggers that you could relax in.

 

[WendyVictoria]

That's a good idea. I've been pretty lethargic lately but I've been trying to rearrange our spare bedroom into a reading room/study.