Is There Any Hope?

[Dante]

Hi everyone.

First post... I was just hoping someone here could offer an uplifting comment, as it would do me so much good. I've been with my wife 20 years, love her deeply, and have supported her over the years with her PTSD (stemming from childhood sexual abuse), including 2 years most recently of intense therapy. The therapy has helped immensely, and she's genuinely on a path toward healing.

Lately, however, things aren't so good. While she says loves me deeply, she says she's realized recently that she *never* had romantic feelings toward me, despite 20 years of beautiful, soul-searching love notes and wild passion from her that made my head spin. It's like, all of a sudden, it all just turned off and she now denies ever having felt it. I've been around the PTSD for many years, and, like you, have gone through hell with it. But this latest revelation has hit me hard.

Anyone else been through something like that? I'd be especially heartened if anyone else had, and could cite a success story (specifically, that your partner felt this way, but later realized that he/she did actually love you romantically). I'm being purposely brief and a little vague, but that's it in a nutshell.

Best,
-Dante
Pittsburgh, PA

 

[blue_eyed_angel]

:hello: Welcome to the forum Dante!! My story isn't similar to yours. But I have learned that someone with PTSD might do certain things or say certain things as a defense mechanism. It has to be so hard to have the woman that you have loved for so many years just up and say that she never had feelings for you. I know that my loved one (my boyfriend who is the sufferer) has shut me out a couple of times and that is so hard to deal with sometimes. But deep down I know that "normally" he wouldn't be that way with me. I am sure that there is someone here on the forum that has experienced what you are going through. The forum has provided me with an immense amount of support. I was so glad to have found this place. I have learned so much since joining. I hope that you find as much knowledge and help as I have.

:Hug_emoticon: blue_eyed_angel

 

[Tinyflame]

Welcome to the Forum, Dante!

I am (very) ashamed to admit that I have been guilty of reacting as your wife has in my words or actions more than once.

Speaking for myself it is due to a lot of fear, guilt, and shame. Sometimes the thoughts and emotions that intrude are wholey overwhelming. I can assure you that, in my case (and possibly many others'), the "words" are just a way to push someone away who loves you, because it is very difficult to see (yourself) as lovable or worthy of love; (running away is another way to avoid these feelings and thoughts- I am prone to that, too, especially when trying to avoid saying something I do not mean and will regret). However, I know that doesn't lessen the pain and doubt of what you feel now. Keep reading the posts and checking out this great site, and I think you will find it tremendously helpful.

I wish you both the best.
.:hello:

 

[Tinyflame]

Dante,

Oops- this is my second post in response (-I forgot something!)

Yes, I have also been on the "receiving end" of what you have described, and "Yes" - I felt just as you describe.
It has taken 2 years but I realize the words were NOT meant as said (and have more or less heard apologies to that effect), but it took many, many months of working through doubt, fear, insecurity and questioning for me to say that now.
(But it was worth it.)

 

[fallout]

Hi Dante, Welcome!

I can't say I know of a situation just like yours, but I do know that as a sufferer myself it sometimes feels like I speak an entirely different language than the rest of the world. Everything seems to mean something different to me than it does to normal people, and as a result I do things people have trouble making sense of. I always get back to seeing who the good people in my life are eventually though, so I'd say there is definitely hope. Your wife's behavior probably seems awfully confusing, but her perspective is very different...so it makes sense to keep an open mind.

Good luck, you've definitely come to the right place for support.

 

[Dante]

Thanks...

Thanks for the replies, everyone. The hope is certainly heartening. As a new member, I wasn't sure if I was allowed to respond yet. But, just to add a few things...

My wife now believes that she's completely cured of the PTSD. She admits still having a few remaining fear issues, but as for her general outlook on life, she feels completely renewed of late -- and it shows, as I've never seen her this beamingly happy. ...which is to say that I don't believe her pushing me away is a defense mechanism at this point, as it may have been earlier during the course of this period of life. There were certainly many years when she pushed me away because of feelings of unworthiness, fear of triggering memories, etc.

This is a whole new thing. She does feel worthy of love now, she said, and even admitted being sexually attracted to other men (though she did not act upon it). She said this was a new experience for her, as she thought her sexuality was nonexistent -- and feeling it again made her realize that she never felt it for me at all.

When I asked her, in total disbelief, what the past 20 years of passion meant, she said she was being overly sexual then as a result of the PTSD. She said that, since therapy started two years ago, she never once felt a romantic/sexual attraction to me.

Thankfully, thankfully, I always save love notes and so forth. I was easily able to pull one out from less than a year ago from her that described very well her romantic/sexual attraction to me. So, I showed it to her and suggested that I'd somehow picked up a negative mental connection... that her new self won't see me romantically anymore because I was there the whole time and now represent a reminder of the past (or something along those lines).

She became confused at seeing the notes. I fear she may rationalize them away somehow, clinging to her new discovery that we had nothing more, for 20 years, than her acting out her life through the lens of PTSD. For now, we're just "seeing what happens." We've agreed to stay married, just have a platonic, loving relationship, and see if anything develops again.

It's agonizingly painful to love and support someone so much, have that extraordinarily deep love returned for 20 years, and then have it suddenly shut off on the other end.

Thanks again,
-Dante

 

[midi]

i don't know what to say. my ex is bipolar and i'm ptsd--and we both took turns shutting down and pushing each other away, but one day he crossed a line, so i walked away. while i miss him everyday and am still sexually attracted to him, it would hurt too much to talk to him--so i avoid him like the plague.

maybe your wife just needs time to sort her thoughts out? or, as you suggested, she may be putting it all behind her...

 

[Irton Pike]

PTSD is horrible. I was real bad through 2007 and I can honestly say that i had no feelings of love for my wife or children. It robs you of your capacity to feel and leaves you numb.

With work I calmed down, and my symptoms are on the wane. I have feelings again.

Hope it works out for you.

 

[cocacolocao]

Aloofness, disconnection, the ability to compartmentalise things, may actually be a sign of a very very positive step on the path to healing. I recently have discovered a certain aloofness and detachment, in a way that I was able to do before finally succumbing to ptsd. Perhaps this ability to detach, my apologies to all as a sufferer of depression of all the blame and canibalising those nearest as a test of who else would abandon them because they are ill.
Anyway, we as sufferers, I think I can speak for all, do realise just how much we come to depend on you cos without you, we would be deaf as well

 

[Anonymoose]

There is hope. Maybe you could attend couples therapy together.

 

[Dante]

Thanks, Anonymoose

...and others... We're sort of seeing a therapist together now. But, it's not exactly official "couples therapy." It's just me sitting in and seeing the therapist with her. Good days & bad days, still. I guess that's the norm here, unfortunately.

My deepest sympathies for anyone in this PTSD forum for any reason, but especially stemming from any kind of sexual abuse. I simply can't believe the extent of the ripples this causes in the victim's life as well as the family's life. This stuff happened to her 30++ years ago, and it continues to cause pain for her and me, and probably others we know as well.

-Dante