Is This My Cross?

[SharkyorBones]

I've been quite active on the forum recently as I've had a very hard time of it and I just wanted to say thank you to everyone here before I begin this discussion. You've all been so kind and you've gotten me through this wonderfully. Thank you

id like to discuss the big one. PTSD.
I guess I've been quite ignorant in my journey to recovery and spent much of my time trying to overcome all of these hurdles like a roadrunner and of course failed miserably at each hurdle falling to the floor bruised and battered and unable to get back up again until I worked up enough elbow grease to pull myself through this.

Why are we so vulnerable and at risk of Retraumatisation? I understand that it's ok that I am so vulnerable but why? Well that's not my point but still a valid question nonetheless.

I guess what I'm wondering after speaking to so many of you wonderful people is this... Can we be cured or even cure ourselves of this hideous cross we bear the burden of carrying?

When I was first diagnosed I thought great! Got a name on it! Now time to put in the hard work and give it enough time and patience an you'll be all nice and healed.

I now fear I was wrong. That this is a burden I shall bear until my last breath and that scares the hell out of me. Will I be ok for months and then break down? Am I better off spending the rest of my life alone? Will there always be flashbacks? What in tarnation is going on?

I wanted to open this discussion so that we may share our own answers to this question perhaps look a little deeper at out own PTSD and see if we can pool our awesome brains together and help each other prepare for what is to come.

 

[scout86]

Just my opinion. This is an area where we get to make choices. If you chose to look at it as a "burden" and a "cross to bear", that's what it is. I chose to look at it as "the way my brain operates, at least for now". Sometimes it's annoying, or frustrating, or even scary, but it's just the way the wiring is set up now and the way it's been most of my life. Some days, it's a limitation and a source of problems. There have been times when hypervigilance saved my life and I appreciate that. It is what it is and it is what we choose to make it too.

Why are we so vulnerable and at risk of Retraumatisation? I understand that it's ok that I am so vulnerable but why?

Do you really think it's ok to be vulnerable to retraumatisation? Because I don't. My personal best guess is that, when that is true, it's because we haven't learned better ways to read and react to situations and people. If you don't think you are worthy of respect, for example, you're going to be appreciated by the kinds of people who don't WANT to respect you. But that's not "ok". That's a problem and a problem that it's good to recognize and work on.

 

[SharkyorBones]

Thanks for your reply Scout that's a good way to look at it.

Also I just want to be clear on why I say it's ok to feel as I do. For a very lon time with low self esteem I would put too much pressure on myself and go full steam ahead as I mentioned before and it hasn't really worked for me. My t has taught me to be kinder to myself and say actually I've been through a bloody horrible time and it's ok that I'm vulnerable not to say that it's something in general that is ok or that Retraumatisation is ok just that it's understandable and ok to feel as I do because otherwise I get all grumpy and angry and unhappy with myself for not being stronger when actually it's ok that I'm not always strong because we understand why and we take away shoulds and blame and go a little bit easier on ourselves when we need to. I've gotten into some terrible messes because I didn't recognise this before an that's ok. It's understandable and I learn from my mistakes now and not make them again.

 

[RussH]

To answer your question as to whether we can be healed of ptsd? The short answer is yes, but the full answer is yes with certain limitations. We can recover, but we will always carry the scar of ptsd much like a broken glass that has been reglued.

It, the glass, is healed and functional, but it carries a susceptability to stress that a never been broken glass doesn't have.
We can recover, but we will be more subject to stress than others that have never had ptsd. Also we, at least I, have a certain distrust in my ability to not be triggered, or retraumatized.

So, we can recover from ptsd, and live a relative normal life, but we will always live with that uncertain fear that it will all come back under certain stressors, or even retraumatization, and unfortunately that is a cross we will always carry.

 

[Ghostybear73]

I kind of look at it as if I will always have PTSD, it can not be cured, but it can be manageable (at least that's what I'm going for). I. See it as any other chronic disorder, like diabetes or asthma, which makes it a little easier to digest. I know there will be times where i will have an exacerbationof symptoms, (Flashback, nightmare, etc), but I have the tools to manage it (insulin ,inhaler, etc)

Hope this helps!

 

[SharkyorBones]

Oh it absolutely does help thanks to everyone for your replies so far!

I think that is very easily comparable with a chronic physical ailment like asthma and I can see how helpful that can be in implementing resources or techniques in easing the symptoms thanks ghosty :)

What do you all think about managing romantic relationships with PTSD?

 

[Ghostybear73]

Well, I suppose it's different depending on the trauma and perception of the person. I personally would not engage in a romantic relationship until I have the PTSD under control. For example, I need to care, about people and life, I need to control my SI, HI and SH issues first and foremost. However, if you were diagnosed while already in a relationship, I think it is also manageable, it just makes it that much harder.

 

[Smile]

@SharkyorBones , thank you so much for starting this post! I swear, not more than 2 days ago I starting googling "how to live with PTSD" and then stopped. I was like, huh? What the heck am I doing? I've always looked for the cure! Am I now going to have to accept this thing for the rest of my goddam life?!
But all these replies... They help so much. Everyone's viewpoints are so valuable.

I'm sorry I do have anything positive to add (as of yet) as I'm in the same mind space as you but hopefully soon :))

 

[SharkyorBones]

Don't be sorry I wanted to start this discussion as I think were all looking for answers and I wanted it to be a post where we can share tips, advice, techniques and ask those really hard questions and get advice from people who have experience in these things I'm glad it's been helpful to you so far and I hope we can all continue to support each in our lives and in our growth :hug:

 

[Intrepid]

Sometimes dealing with the PTSD can be exhausting. I don't always feel that anything is different.

I am different though. I emailed my therapist about a flashback last week, and she emailed back reminding me of all of the healing I've made over the last 5 years. The amazing thing is that I believed her. Note that I said 5 years, with her. 25 years of other therapists, off and on. It doesn't end. But life does get bearable, even enjoyable.

The answers have come very slow. I've often had to re-invent the wheel because I didn't trust anyone to tell me what to do next. I just got on here in the last 6 months. It was suggested years ago, but then I knew how triggering it would be for me. I would have had to drop off just to keep my sanity.

 

[bell]

While there is no cure, it only becomes your "cross" if you let it be. Just like you will be alone if you convince yourself no one will be able to handle you. You will most likely get triggered and it will be two steps forward and three steps back for awhile... Until you get work through it all and get back up. But it can also last forever if you don't get back up.

In short, your diagnosis is yours. It can be yours to be too impossible to heal, yours to be unloved, and yours to be misunderstood, but only if you let it be.

It can also make you a more compassionate friend, a more loving partner, and a more amazing soul, but only if you let it be.