Relationship Is This Part Of Ptsd Or ?

[kacee129]

My PTSD sufferer is living in a different state. We were living together but his what I call breakdowns made me so upset we decided to live apart. He was gung ho to move as fast as he could. Of course when he got to his destination then he was sad.

So over the past 2 months he has asked me numerous times if he could come back. At one point we agreed he could come back BUT he had to seek treatment for his combat PTSD. When the time came for him to come back he didn't. Then I got an email saying that he knows how he is and he was afraid he would not follow throught with the treatment and would I make him leave again if he didn't. I did not even answer that. He KNEW/KNOWS how I feel.

So weeks go by and he is still saying he loves me and wants to come back. But he doesn't make any effort to seek treatment in the city he is in. When he left here he had about 4K in cash (from an online business we had). That was the 3rd week in May. As of a week ago he has NO money (other than his very small social security checks). He lives in Vegas...so you know where it went. When he cried to me about this "misfortune" I told him that he got no sympathy from me because he is from there and should know better than to try to get rich off the machines.

Anyway, yesterday I spent up until 2pm either on the computer or running errands for a sale he made online so e could get some extra money. While I was driving all over town he kept texting and emailing me. He wanted to get married....he asked if he showed up at my door would I let him in. I'm driving! I can't answer these things.
The minute I got in my door he calls because he had not heard from me. I was not pleased but I calmly (and believe me it was hard) told him I had just walked in the door. So we get off the phone because he ran out of minutes.

I had a project I had been working on and wanted to finish it so my house could get back in order. So that's what I started (and finished) doing. All the while he is texting and emailing. I didn't respond. I could not keep running to the phone every three seconds. When I was done I sent him and email. First I told him that he could be very annoying...that I was busy working on a project and that he has to realize I have things I need to do.
Then I told him that as far as him coming back, it was his choice not to because he "knew he would not follow through". That nothing has changed. And if he came back I'd be the one trying to push him into treatment and I did not want to be a "mother".

He then cops an attitude and emails back "ANNOYING? don't worry about it. I'll figure out a way to come and get all my junk " (he was in such a hurry when he left that 2/3 of his belongings are still here.)

Needless to say I got really angry. He doesn't like being told what to do, but he thinks I'm at his beckon call?
So now he is mad at ME.

Sorry for going on and on. I am just so frustrated. I feel like I'm dealing with a teenager. And to tell you the truth I think that's where he is stuck at. He joined the Army at 17. Went to Vietnam at 18 and was there for 2 years. That's where he got PTSD. I honestly feel he never grew up.

Thank you all again.

 

[Grace M]

Hi,
I think you nailed it at the end of your post when you mention age that he acts. I, too, act much younger than my calendar age.

I don't know the psychological reasons but similar to your guy, nothing feels better than a companion of the opposite sex.

Also I don't know how much you know about treatment options, but even the idea of pursuing help can be complicated. Although I have had therapy for years, I also have had a number of scares where I avoided it after being told I'd have to re-experience my past. Actually, I'm still stuck there. Plus it's hard to find a trauma therapist. Also it's hard to know what kind of help to get.

Therapy doesn't fix anything automatically. Maybe you mean you'd like him to show effort in finding assistance. Even if he can overcome the avoidance and fear enough to seek help, sometimes the help is overwhelming and brings out more symptoms, and sometimes it can take a long time for the results to seem like enough to other people.

Part of the problem is that avoidance comes with PTSD. We avoid reminders of the trauma; we avoid our bad feelings. In doing so, we often try to alter our moods and can easily develop addictions. (gambling, the high of being in love both change our mood, even if we don't use these to the point of addiction.)

I realize explanations don't help your relationship. I could try and try to explain how things can feel huge and overwhelming to him while to you you're just living life like normal but that wouldn't really help you with all that comes with a relationship. It's great that you are looking for support. There's a lot to know and understand about the effects of trauma. If you want specific search ideas along with combat PTSD, I suggest irritability, time distortion, anger, dependence, and black & white thinking.
Those will help understand him.

For yourself, it's important to manage your stress. Yes, it's frustrating and aggravating dealing with us. You're involved and connected, so for you I realize it's beyond academics or sympathy. His actions can push your buttons and you need to take care of yourself primarily. Your anger, frustration, and each complaint is completely understandable.

What I don't know is how you two can get along better.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

The bottom line is that he refuses to get treatment. (Agreeing to get treatment and never following through is pretty much the same thing.) Can you live with him exactly as he is, unchanged, unhealed for the rest of your life? No, I didn't think so.

He is incredibly unstable as evidenced by his impulsiveness. He needs to work on himself before getting married. Really, that should be the last thing on his mind.