Relationship Isolation

[Freida]

I’m in the middle of my nursing semester, I lost 5 pounds this week, my jaw is constantly clenched, my muscles are all tense and I’m anxiety ridden and nauseous.

when ANY relationship, ptsd or not, causes this ^^^^^? It's not healthy. period.
And I'm wondering if you aren't crying because you know it's the right choice?

 

[Sighs]

My T told me if your jaw clenches up on the drive home your body is trying to tell you something! I started paying attention and literally as I turn out of the work carpark - the muscles in my jaw start to tighten!

 

[JM318]

My T told me if your jaw clenches up on the drive home your body is trying to tell you something! I star...

My jaw has been tight for a few days now and I can’t seem to relax it.

@Freida I know, it’s like I go through a break up every time he isolates and it is unhealthy. I thought maybe I didn’t cry because I’m used to it. And partially because I’m angry.

 

[blackemerald1]

@JM318 - Threatening a restraining Order would be the final straw. I agree with @Sighs why should you be homeless? I think you should aim for a home where you don't have to leave except when you want to. Good luck with your nursing. :)

 

[Ronin]

That.

This is someone who makes you homeless just when he feels bad, and threatens you... for the sin of trying to help.
You deserve someone who will appreciate you.
And someone who will not keep you from studying in difficult, understaffed, and helping others fields.

 

[JM318]

That.

This is someone who makes you homeless just when he feels bad, and threatens you... for the sin of...

Thank you. It’s a struggle because it’s natural for me to want to help, but it’s out of my control. Moving on is easy when someone has done you wrong. But how do I hate someone who doesn’t mean to do the things that he does? Do I hate the person who refuses to help himself instead? It’s as if he is two different people- the one I fell in love with and the one who destroys us. This illness is like a tornado: it comes on quickly, causes much devastion, and when the calm finally comes, we’re forced to rebuild. I wish we can skip the devastation part.

 

[Ronin]

who doesn’t mean to do the things that he does?

He still has the choice to not do them.

It’s as if he is two different people

But the issue with that is, it is still him, and if he does not work on that destruction, you really cannot do that for him.
Nor should you. That just is not your responsibility. It is his. (And you cannot help someone who undermines both your efforts and your health.)

 

[blackemerald1]

Moving on is easy when someone has done you wrong. But how do I hate someone

No you don't have to hate him or anyone. That is a choice you make and honestly...hating someone is a waste of your energy imho.

This illness is like a tornado:

Yes it is sometimes like a tornado but sometimes it's a long painful burn too. Both you can choose to not be near anymore.

we’re forced to rebuild

He has his home and he has made his decision. There is no need to rebuild this time. Build your own home etc.,

You are entitled to make a home for yourself and make your own decisions. I'd be concerned if you kept going back to relationship devastation...caused by him (needing space) and (threatening restraining orders).

I wish we can skip the devastation part

I think you are confusing:- him needing space or isolating with him requiring you to move out and ending the relationship.

You were wondering about boundaries? Boundaries are also found in healthy relationships where neither partner has PTSD etc., Good relationships happen when both partners respect boundaries.

You deserve a good relationship.

 

[Hojay]

Moving on is easy when someone has done you wrong.

I very much get this inner conflict of yours. It sounds like you're torn between compassion for him and compassion for yourself. The first keeps you hoping, the latter has you running. Maybe the dissonance is eased when it sinks in that he HAS done you wrong; that PTSD has nothing to do with this, but rather that it's been a big fat excuse, paired with the gaslighting effect of denying his diagnosis. This is his personality, not his disability.

It's easy for highly sensitive and compassionate people (which is what you sound like to me) to take on the blame all too readily. In fact, taking the blame and excusing mistreatment with too much compassion for the other is actually quite an effective way of trying to retain a sense of control over the situation. If one were to admit to oneself that there is no excuse, that one has done nothing wrong, the ugly truth is revealed about the other person and stuff is really, truly outside of one's control. Taking on the blame often masks a fear of having to make hard choices about the relationship. That's painful, but the sad reality.

I too have a defiant, angry, sometimes irrational sufferer. He's never kicked me out or threatened a restraining order, but I'm all too familiar with the wild and unfair twists and accusations. It takes the confidence and firmness of a Buddhist monk to stick to what one knows is the truth (about ones self, about the situation, about life in general) no matter the consequence.

 

[Friday]

But how do I hate someone who doesn’t mean to do the things that he does? Do I hate the person who refuses to help himself instead?

You know you don’t have to hate someone you’ve broken up with, right? That it’s completely okay to break up with someone you like / love / respect... but that the two of you just aren’t right for each other / want different things out of life / etc.? One of the tells you’re dating good people is remaining friends with them, and you don’t remain friends with people you hate. At least we hope not! You remain friends with people you like.

Sure... sometimes we date terrible people that we never want in our lives ever again... but hopefully? Most of the guys you’ll date aren’t going to be toxic, or abusive, or who’ve done you wrong and need to be avoided like a swirling cup of syphilis. They’ll be good guys, who just aren’t right for you.

 

[JM318]

My way of coping with a breakup and getting over it, is finding a reason to hate them and moving on. Once I do that, then down the road I’m okay with being friends. That’s just me. But I understand what you mean.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My way of coping with a breakup and getting over it, is finding a reason to hate them and moving on

Well, you can hate their actions (or lack there of) without hating them. Right? So, hate his actions (or lack there of).