Sufferer It Is Getting Worse.

[LilTink]

I was diagnosed with PTSD several years ago, way before anyone really knew what it was.

I have trouble leaving my room some days, let alone my house. It seems the older I get the worse the PTSD gets. I just wish I could move on.

I was sexually and emotionally abused for 12 years by the same man. He isn't in my life now, so why is it still so hard for me? I just don't understand and wish it would all just go away. I don't want to feel this way anymore and I want erase it ALL!!!

My Mom says I just need to let go of it.....HOW?????? I can't!! I want that more than anything, but every time I shut my eyes it's there!!!

Am I going crazy??

 

[Eleanor]

Welcome to the forum LilTink - read around there is hope! Anthony's posts on PTSD and treatments are super and very informative and up-to-date - plus supported by a lot of people's experiences here.

I wish you peace and healing.

 

[Lucille]

Hi LilTink, Welcome to the forum. I'm glad you've found us. We can probably all relate to what you're feeling. It sucks more than anything that this has become our reality.

I can definitely relate to your mother saying you just need to let it go, mine does the same thing... but one thing I have come to learn is that our brains are permanently altered by the traumas we have experienced. It's hard to be patient with ourselves, but the only way to really let it go is to confront it and work through it. It's a long process, and it will be rough, but it's worth it. If you don't have a therapist, I urge you to find one. Even in the four months I've been going, I've already seen a difference. I waited three and a half years to start therapy, and I regret all the time I wasted running/hiding from PTSD when I could have gotten better.

Also, it is completely natural what you are feeling. Don't beat yourself up about it. We all have anger and grief like no others on this planet can understand. Let it out so it will no longer hold you prisoner.

Sending hugs your way :inlove:

 

[The Albatross]

Welcome LilTink. Glad you found the forum, there's a lot of people, experience, and support here... If I had a nickle for every time my mom said that... I'd... .well, you get the idea. It can get better, I've improved a good deal - it's been about 14 months now. Lots to learn and stress reduction is really helpful.

 

[LilTink]

I want to thank you all for your kind words. I know I should get help, but I am scared. I know there are still things there that I don't remember, and I don't know if I could handle it if I did.

I have tried conseling several times in the past, but I have a hard time trusting anyone or opening up to them. Maybe I am just making excuses, I don't mean to, this is just tough.

My kids suffer, my husband suffers and I suffer. My abuser ruined my life, took from me all that I was and all that I could of been. I feel weak and unsure of myself. In a sense, I am dead, but still breathing.

It's been 38 years since I got the courage to say "no more", but it's like it is still taking place every day. Most nights are even worse, I can't sleep until daylight sometimes. I am on celexa, but it doesn't seem to help very much.

I am going to TRY to get help, I know I REALLY need to. I am so glad I found this site!!!! I think it is going to really help me to see that I am not alone, and give me feedback on how I am feeling.

Thank you for the kind words again!!!

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[Elisacullen21]

Welcome to the forum Liltink :)

 

[Eleanor]

I know there are still things there that I don't remember, and I don't know if I could handle it if I did... I have tried conseling several times in the past, but I have a hard time trusting anyone or opening up to them.

Hi LilTink - First, I don't know if it is 100% true - but I don't see a lot of examples to the contrary - that you won't remember things until you are in a position to cope with them. The sufferers here would know a lot more than I. Maybe you could ask the question in one of the Sufferer's forums? Second, I just read a post about one of the pioneers of PTSD treatment, and what jumped out at me was when he said the technique didn't require establishing a "theraputic relationship of trust" (or something pretty close to that.) If you search for "Van Der Kolk PTSD" it should pop right up.

You can take your life and your future and your family's life back. You have to be brave, without a doubt, but you can do it. Why would you not try?(and clearly you already are:tup:) Don't let the SOB win.:ninja: Sending brave vibes your way...

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

Stay strong.

 

[LilTink]

Thank you ALL.

The encouragment I am recieving is helping. Knowing I am not alone in this battle for my life. I was abused sexually and emotionally from the age of 2 to 14, at 14, I finally said that's enough!!! The abuser was my biological father. I don't understand how a parent could abuse their own child?? Especially at such a young age. I look at my children as gifts from God!!! I could never hurt one of them, in any way purposely!! I don't even believe in spanking.

In my last comment, I said it had been 38 years, it was a mistake, it's been 28 years and I haven't seen him since. The abandonment I felt was almost as bad as the abuse. I don't understand why that is, at least he wasn't physically hurting me anymore. I still love him to this day, but part of me hates him and is still scared of him. It's so confusing, it's like a sandstorm in my head. All these little pieces of sand (aka memories) are twirling around everywhere, and I can't stop it.

Night time is the hardest. The nightmares are unbearable, They feel so, REAL. I long for one good night of sleep, just one!

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