I really wanted a baby. My boyfriend was unsure, he told me that if we had sex once without contraception and I got pregnant, that it would be a sign and we were meant to have one. A month and a half later I found out I was pregnant. I was completely against abortion and my boyfriend knew this. We had been together for 5 years and we had talked about it often. When I found out I was actually pregnant I was really scared but so happy. I was swept away in the bliss of motherhood, talking baby names and the pros and cons of the crib vs moses basket. After a couple of weeks, my boyfriend admitted that he didn't want the baby. He said it was my choice and he had been struggling to decide whether to tell me or not how he felt. I'm glad he did tell me. He was worried he would resent me if I didn't abort. I loved him so much, I would have done anything for him. Anything.
I agreed to an abortion. He told me he would be there for me as long as it took for me to be ok afterwards. He tried to keep that promise. He lived at mine for two weeks... But since the 17th February 2010 at 11am - I have been a basket case.
I was all alone. I was terrified of needles - never had a jab in my life. They gave me one, took off my trousers and laid me down. I was pumped full of this drug, I knew how scared I was but I couldn't feel it. I felt a scraping inside me. Someone was taking out my baby. There was a bucket between my legs. Even today I cannot decide whether it was blue, yellow or red. The nurse who put the massive needle in me was holding my hand. I was squeezing it so tight she kept asking me if I was alright. I couldn't form words. I was overly conscious of the tears forming in my eyes and I so didn't want to cry. A man was trying to distract me, kept asking my plans for the weekend. I was appreciative of his efforts, but I couldn't care less and he made me angry. The whole thing only lasted about 5 minutes.
The nurse put my underwear and trousers back on, with a pad. I was put back out in the room where I was waiting before. There was a woman with a hot water bottle, moaning to herself. A young girl next to me complaining about waiting 2 weeks before she was allowed to have sex again. A girl, about my age, came out of the abortion room, screaming and crying. I pitied her. The nurse came and took out the needle, offered me a cup of tea. I had really bad morning sickness during my pregnancy, and the thought of a cup of tea used to make me sick. Having tea after my abortion seems symbolic now, but at the time I was just glad - I hadn't been allowed to eat or drink for the last 24 hours. I was agitated. I just wanted to go see my boyfriend, waiting for me outside. I needed a cigarette, I hadn't smoked in 3 months - wanted my baby to be healthy. I really fancied a McDonalds too, I'd been eating really healthy, again for the baby. Even after I decided to abort.
They told me I would bleed. Just a really heavy period. Ha. I had a few drops here and there. After 2 weeks I was allowed to exercise. I went running with my boyfriend. After my shower I started bleeding really heavily. There was so much blood... Then, a few days later I passed something in the toilet. My mother tried to tell me it was a blood clot. But there is something undoubtly traumatic about passing a mass the size of a foetus out of my vagina. I cried and cried. It freaked me out so much.
I had called up the clinic telling them something was wrong every week. They told me to wait it out, that everyones slightly different. Eventually a woman told me to come back in, that it sounds like when they aborted they "didn't get it all". I went back but they were so unorganised, they tried to take me in for another abortion straight away. I tried to tell them I was back for a scan just to make sure it worked. The woman had a confused look on her face. Gave me a picture of my scan. My baby. My now dead baby... and says, "This is you, no?". I couldn't believe they showed it to me. They eventually sent me back for a scan and a million pregnancy tests - positive ones. I had to wait for hours thinking I had to have another abortion. The worst thing I had ever had to do.
Eventually a doctor comes up to me and says, "Nah it didn't work, happens in 0.05 percent of cases. Don't need another one, you should just continue to pass it on your own". - CONTINUE? So that goo in my bloody sanitary towels is my dead baby is it!??
I can't be around babies now. I can't look at a scan without bursting into tears. I can't have my period without freaking out. I have nightmares where someone's trying to take my baby, of going to hell. I have dreams where I am a mother and when I wake it's like loosing my baby all over again. Now my sister-in-law is pregnant. I can't deal with all the baby shit in my house. It is all anyone ever talks about. I burst into tears at something related on tv. Someone makes a joke about me being pregnant or my friends being pregnant... or my boyfriend inpregnating someone else.... I won't get out of bed for a week.
I agreed to an abortion. He told me he would be there for me as long as it took for me to be ok afterwards. He tried to keep that promise. He lived at mine for two weeks... But since the 17th February 2010 at 11am - I have been a basket case.
I was all alone. I was terrified of needles - never had a jab in my life. They gave me one, took off my trousers and laid me down. I was pumped full of this drug, I knew how scared I was but I couldn't feel it. I felt a scraping inside me. Someone was taking out my baby. There was a bucket between my legs. Even today I cannot decide whether it was blue, yellow or red. The nurse who put the massive needle in me was holding my hand. I was squeezing it so tight she kept asking me if I was alright. I couldn't form words. I was overly conscious of the tears forming in my eyes and I so didn't want to cry. A man was trying to distract me, kept asking my plans for the weekend. I was appreciative of his efforts, but I couldn't care less and he made me angry. The whole thing only lasted about 5 minutes.
The nurse put my underwear and trousers back on, with a pad. I was put back out in the room where I was waiting before. There was a woman with a hot water bottle, moaning to herself. A young girl next to me complaining about waiting 2 weeks before she was allowed to have sex again. A girl, about my age, came out of the abortion room, screaming and crying. I pitied her. The nurse came and took out the needle, offered me a cup of tea. I had really bad morning sickness during my pregnancy, and the thought of a cup of tea used to make me sick. Having tea after my abortion seems symbolic now, but at the time I was just glad - I hadn't been allowed to eat or drink for the last 24 hours. I was agitated. I just wanted to go see my boyfriend, waiting for me outside. I needed a cigarette, I hadn't smoked in 3 months - wanted my baby to be healthy. I really fancied a McDonalds too, I'd been eating really healthy, again for the baby. Even after I decided to abort.
They told me I would bleed. Just a really heavy period. Ha. I had a few drops here and there. After 2 weeks I was allowed to exercise. I went running with my boyfriend. After my shower I started bleeding really heavily. There was so much blood... Then, a few days later I passed something in the toilet. My mother tried to tell me it was a blood clot. But there is something undoubtly traumatic about passing a mass the size of a foetus out of my vagina. I cried and cried. It freaked me out so much.
I had called up the clinic telling them something was wrong every week. They told me to wait it out, that everyones slightly different. Eventually a woman told me to come back in, that it sounds like when they aborted they "didn't get it all". I went back but they were so unorganised, they tried to take me in for another abortion straight away. I tried to tell them I was back for a scan just to make sure it worked. The woman had a confused look on her face. Gave me a picture of my scan. My baby. My now dead baby... and says, "This is you, no?". I couldn't believe they showed it to me. They eventually sent me back for a scan and a million pregnancy tests - positive ones. I had to wait for hours thinking I had to have another abortion. The worst thing I had ever had to do.
Eventually a doctor comes up to me and says, "Nah it didn't work, happens in 0.05 percent of cases. Don't need another one, you should just continue to pass it on your own". - CONTINUE? So that goo in my bloody sanitary towels is my dead baby is it!??
I can't be around babies now. I can't look at a scan without bursting into tears. I can't have my period without freaking out. I have nightmares where someone's trying to take my baby, of going to hell. I have dreams where I am a mother and when I wake it's like loosing my baby all over again. Now my sister-in-law is pregnant. I can't deal with all the baby shit in my house. It is all anyone ever talks about. I burst into tears at something related on tv. Someone makes a joke about me being pregnant or my friends being pregnant... or my boyfriend inpregnating someone else.... I won't get out of bed for a week.
