Relationship It's All Or Nothing

[SRE7267]

I have taken a huge step back from this forum since my sufferer and I stopped talking 10 months ago. I made the decision to stop playing the push away, pull me in again game after years and years of the back and forth. I have been completely heartbroken because of it but have also felt so incredibly strong for being able to do what I never thought I would be able to after 14 years. I've been trying to move forward in my own little ways - it hasn't been easy or simple.

I chose to remove myself from communication with anyone he had ties with because it was just too hard for me. I've been doing really well.

But tonight, I am sucked right back in and even though I know it's not healthy for me, I cannot stop thinking about him. His brother reached out to me tonight asking if I had spoken to him. I informed him we haven't spoken in 10 months and his brother was FLOORED by this - he had no idea. This baffles me on some level, but on another level nothing is surprising. Why would my sufferer portray that he lost one of the most important relationships in his life to his family? He wants to show that everything is normal and fine, even though its not.

But after his brother got through the shock of this change and understanding that this whole situation is worse than he ever imagined, he told me that my sufferer is coming i to town tomorrow morning - just briefly to get some of his things. But this is haunting me. I can't sleep knowing he is going to be right down the street from me. On one level I want to see him, hug him, tell him I love him and support him. And on another level I want to hide - not even have the chance to run into him because I just don't know how to handle all of that.

It's all so overwhelming and really, just when I thought I was doing so well -- I get sucked back in. I see that it's me. I haven't let go as I thought I had. Just when will this end?!

It feels like it's all or nothing. And how many times must I put myself through this cycle of what feels like insanity?

 

[nursenurse]

Read what you have posted, and let this die. You commit a sort of emotional suicide if you run and think things will be just spiffy do and back to normal.

Have you been through counseling at all? I would urge you to seek some help. While it is understandable that old feelings do surface, you cannot put yourself and your heart in jeopardy again. I know you get this in your head, but your heart is still tugging.

We have all been conditioned to want and receive closure, and in the ideal world, two reasonable people would express their feelings, shake hands, and walk away. This is not reality.

But then, I am sure that if my Ex was in the neighbourhood, that for a fleeting second I would think about him and wonder about the what ifs. I think that is normal about someone you dearly cared about. But then I remember how things ended, the emotional turmoil, and how far I have come from a relationship that was clearly sucking out my soul. I think of the good that has come, the least of which was that I learned from him that I could love again, just not him. And a whole host of other positives.

Feeling the way you do is not wrong or even abnormal, it would be the acting upon that would get you into trouble. Everyone grieves the end if a relationship in their own terms, in their own time. Fight the urge to reconnect, why not get out of town yourself if you can? You are not a wuss, you are human. Again, maybe a few sessions with a counsellor could help you close the door.

In the meantime, hold your head up high, cry again if you need to, but head along your own path.

 

[Sighs]

You know what they say... nothing changes if nothing changes. Unless there has been some kind of change - either in him or in you - then the situation will be exactly the way it was before.

 

[Laura 2]

His brother reached out to me tonight asking if I had spoken to him. I informed him we haven't spoken in 10 months and his brother was FLOORED by this - he had no idea. This baffles me on some level, but on another level nothing is surprising. Why would my sufferer portray that he lost one of the most important relationships in his life to his family?

We humans drive ourselves round the bend trying to second guess what other people meant or what was behind their behavior. It's never productive or healthy for us. Because, in the absence of clear information from the horse's mouth, it leads us into a whole load of fantasy. Been there, done that - after years of anguishing about what others really mean etc., I trained myself to simply not think about these conundrums any further that the actual evidence.

I'm sorry you're going through this and that upsetting memories have been stirred up, but like @Sighs says, "Nothing changes if nothing changes".