I've Got A Date

[Frogs88]

Yeah, so I've got a date. And it's one of those things that just happened. Six months ago I thought I was ready for dating and I joined a website, I went out two times with two boys who were actually perfectly nice and acceptable guys but one told me he didn't feel a spark (I agreed) the other I was kind of mean too. I ducked out of a goodnight kiss on our last date, He was nice but a little over attentive and I just kind of told him that I had a lot going on and it wouldn't be fair and then I started to ignore his messages and he eventually gave up. All those messages I ahve to say were just friendly inquiries of how I was doing and settling in as I was new to the area. I decided I was pushing it and it wasn't time yet, especially with the EMDR and work problems and hating the house I was in.

So, I ignore this website. Until a few weeks ago where I saw I had a message and being bored though 'okay lets see what this one says' my aim was to have a good laugh at the fact that men seem to think they can just send a 'hey baby' and get a response. But now, it was a proper long message that was asking me about things that I said I'd liked on my page. He is interested in similar things, has traveled to similar places, is new to the area (i've been here seven months) and looking for somebody to go to the museums with.

I'm really interested in this person, if not romantically then at least as a friend because if he turns out to be a decent human being then we could go to some historically interesting places that are a few miles walk away.

And yes he is good looking.

But here is the thing, I wasn't ready six months ago and even now the EMDR is not complete. I know that I feel like I'm strong enough to set boundaries. To say this moves at the speed I want, or actually I just want to be friends. But what if I'm kidding myself? This is a big step and just lately I've started to get my libido back, I feel like there's a risk that I might push myself too far and too fast. But I also want to try because it's still just one coffee date, an hour or two to talk about places on our to do list.

 

[Momofthree]

I did the online dating thing and had similar experience to you, a lot of 'hey baby' messages that I rolled my eyes at and such, I went on a few first dates with some decent guys and I even made two guy friends (we decided after a couple of dates that we made better friends). Then I gave up and decided I'd just focus on myself and was FWB with one of the guys who I met and made better friends with. We had/ have amazing chemistry but but he doesn't want marriage or kids and I have three children and want to get married. So I stopped looking at my online profile for a few months, then one day I got a message, like you I thought it was a 'hey baby' message but it was a long message from a guy who had obviously read my profile and we shared a lot of interests. After chatting for about a month we went on our first date (the best first date I have EVER had) the rest is history... we just celebrated 7 months together yesterday and he's saving up for an engagement ring! I was upfront about my PTSD with anyone who made it past the first date and I was surprised to find that most of them were vary understanding, even though they really had no clue what that meant for the difficulty of relationships. My advice is to be as open and honest as you can comfortably be, and remember that communication is vital for any relationship to work.

 

[seedling]

I think if you plan well and take heed of your inner cautious voices you can come up with a safe way to meet this guy and see if it's a step toward a positive relationship of some kind. It sounds more exciting than terrifying at this point.
Good luck!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Think of it this way.....its just coffee. Yes, it IS just coffee!

I'm going off on tangent here, but this is my perception and not a reflection or criticism of you personally.

I think that far too often we get caught up in tomorrow. Yes, you're on a dating site, but at the same time, take things one step at a time and enjoy the present moment. (After all, isn't this what PTSD treatment is all about? YUP!) That means this is JUST a coffee date. It isn't anything more than meeting someone for a few hours, sitting down with a nice hot cup of whatever, and getting to know them. Don't worry *right now* about things moving too fast. Don't worry about tomorrow. If the guy is worth it, he will be able to move at your pace. If there is anything uncomfortable that sends up red flags, you can easily just walk away.

So make the coffee date, and get to know a stranger. Good luck!

 

[Frogs88]

Thanks for your support guys. I told him I'm in the middle of moving but I'd love to have a break for a few hours so now i'm just waiting for him to get back to me. Now i'm just anxiously waiting.

Of course the idea that it'll go father than just that and the discussions about boundaries and my past that I could end up having and how to do it 'right' though there is no right. That's going to be in the back of my mind, but yeah, why shouldn't I just have a little fun for now. I can keep my boundaries. I can tell him that I want friends for now, that my life is a little too complicated to be adding a relationship to it right now. I think i'll just go and have my coffee with him.

 

[seedling]

You may not know yet what boundaries will apply, since you haven't met him yet. Everyone is different in their take on things. I find I usually worry about one thing and then it's something different anyway.

Have fun!