Undiagnosed Jace - Adopted, DV, Childhood Trauma, Abuse, CSA, Psychosis, Suicide, & SelfHarm.

[user49554]

Hello, my name is Jace, and I was born in Illinois and was adopted from birth I came to this fourm because I believe I may have some form of PTSD or trauma.

There are a lot of things I went through as a kid that are still effecting me to the point where when I think about it I get a sick feeling in my stomach, I panic, breakdown, and then I start to have flashing memories that are traumatizing and I end up covering my ears to try and stop it and sometimes after that I have these strange nightmares but it doesn't happen often.

In my childhood at age 5 I was mostly mute and didn't talk much and in school I was sometimes made fun of for it. Around 8 and 7 I suffered from psychosis and duringt his time I remember my parents yelling and arguing and then my mom would end up leaving for awhile and come back and I would stay and have to wait for her. I also remember my dad grabbing my arm and pushing me out of the way when they were arguing over something I was scared and trying to leave the room. My mom and dad would also beat and hit my foster sister and brother, with their hands or other objects, like their shoe or belt and would often call us worthless. At age 9 I got a PlayStation 3 for Christmas and I talked to people on it and made friends online, then I met this one guy I don't remember his name, but he taught me how to strip on camera and watch him. Then it happened with even more guys after that. At age 10 I got addicted to PlayStation 3 and stopped talking again, and my friends left me at this time, and I isolated myself often I met a group of friends online again in a group chat and they asked to see a selfie of me, so I showed them and they all freaked out, and I broke down. Then the next day I began to get cyber bullied online, this one guy wanted to see me strip online and threatened me if I didn't do it. Then they took pictures and threatened to send them, but wouldn't do it if I talked dirty to them. I then met a girl named Katey online at age 11 and she told me these horrible things about how she was cutting herself and being abused at this point I had a psychotic break. My PlayStation broke and around the age of 13 all I remember is isolating myself and having a psychotic breakdown. I had a vision of a girl named Sophie I then got into religion and believed it for a long time and I ended up loosing a friend over it during these times my dad and mom would still argue and fight and at one point my dad threatened to stab me and called me a monster.

I tried to commit suicide several times and struggle with self harm a lot of other stuff happened after that. I'm 18 now and it's just all too much and it's glued to my mind I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel sick and gross, I feel like everything is my fault ,that I believed in this religious crap and allowed men to do that stuff I feel like a monster now. I don't know who this girl is anymore I decided that I'm going to go to a psychtrist to get help and get over this as of now I don't feel like I have a future, this is more of a vent for me than an introduction even though I'm new to this. Thank you for letting me share.

 

[mumstheword]

Welcome to the forum @JaceM :-).

I think it's good that you are ready to move forward and seek help.

You CAN put all that pain and suffering behind you. It will take time, no doubt, but it will be well worth the effort.


Make sure to stick with a professional that LISTENS to you, that you feel heard by and who responds in a way that supports you.

You don't have to stay with the first person you see, you have a right to find help that meets you where you need to be met, that you feel safe with. Safety is the cornerstone of gaining stability.

Good luck! We are here, if and when you need to vent/talk/ask questions etc.

Consider starting your own trauma journal here.

 

[whiteraven]

Welcome, @JaceM!

I agree with @mumstheword - starting a trauma diary is a great idea! I have learned a lot from the people here - I think you'll find lost of support on the forums!

 

[Klanala]

Hello, my name is Jace, and I was born in Illinois and was adopted from birth I came to this fourm because I believe I may have some form of PTSD or trauma.

There are a lot of things I went through as a kid that are still effecting me to the point where when I think about it I get a sick feeling in my stomach, I panic, breakdown, and then I start to have flashing memories that are traumatizing and I end up covering my ears to try and stop it and sometimes after that I have these strange nightmares but it doesn't happen often.

In my childhood at age 5 I was mostly mute and didn't talk much and in school I was sometimes made fun of for it. Around 8 and 7 I suffered from psychosis and duringt his time I remember my parents yelling and arguing and then my mom would end up leaving for awhile and come back and I would stay and have to wait for her. I also remember my dad grabbing my arm and pushing me out of the way when they were arguing over something I was scared and trying to leave the room. My mom and dad would also beat and hit my foster sister and brother, with their hands or other objects, like their shoe or belt and would often call us worthless. At age 9 I got a PlayStation 3 for Christmas and I talked to people on it and made friends online, then I met this one guy I don't remember his name, but he taught me how to strip on camera and watch him. Then it happened with even more guys after that. At age 10 I got addicted to PlayStation 3 and stopped talking again, and my friends left me at this time, and I isolated myself often I met a group of friends online again in a group chat and they asked to see a selfie of me, so I showed them and they all freaked out, and I broke down. Then the next day I began to get cyber bullied online, this one guy wanted to see me strip online and threatened me if I didn't do it. Then they took pictures and threatened to send them, but wouldn't do it if I talked dirty to them. I then met a girl named Katey online at age 11 and she told me these horrible things about how she was cutting herself and being abused at this point I had a psychotic break. My PlayStation broke and around the age of 13 all I remember is isolating myself and having a psychotic breakdown. I had a vision of a girl named Sophie I then got into religion and believed it for a long time and I ended up loosing a friend over it during these times my dad and mom would still argue and fight and at one point my dad threatened to stab me and called me a monster.

I tried to commit suicide several times and struggle with self harm a lot of other stuff happened after that. I'm 18 now and it's just all too much and it's glued to my mind I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel sick and gross, I feel like everything is my fault ,that I believed in this religious crap and allowed men to do that stuff I feel like a monster now. I don't know who this girl is anymore I decided that I'm going to go to a psychtrist to get help and get over this as of now I don't feel like I have a future, this is more of a vent for me than an introduction even though I'm new to this. Thank you for letting me share.

I am glad you are here. Be careful with physicians who want to overmedicate. Safety is very important. Saying no is scary but is empowering and creates safety. I hope you find a therapist you feel comfortable with. You will be successful in this journey. You are worth it.

 

[Mach123]

You are talking about it. I don't think people put enough emphasis on this. There is always hope if you are willing to try and get it out.

I was sitting in a group and it came to me and I said "I was sexually abused when I was a child." Out loud in front of other people.

A.woman sitting next to me reached over and touched my hand. She said "That was the hardest part".

I understand now she meant because I had lived to do it. Everything up to then was a struggle between getting rid of it (me) somehow or letting it out.

That's not to say the struggle was over then. It had just begun I'm so many ways. But she was right. It was a crucial moment. Saying it online counts too. It's a precursor in my opinion. Now I hope you'll go and get more help . I don't know what's involved in that for you it's individual? I've spent a lot of time with therapists. I also have journaled here extensively which helps. Good luck I wish you well.