Just A Rant

[sodapopdude87]

For the past month it just dawned on me, that I have been almost out of the Army for a full year this coming July. Everything in my life isn't exactly the greatest, but it's not the worst. I was injured overseas by an IED while in a vehicle, and had four guys die from our tour in our company. For the longest time I had a guilt trip, because my friend was killed when they we're securing the LZ for the helicopter to pick us up. I felt responsible for it for the longest time, and I still do til this day.

I just wonder if there is light at the end of the tunnel. Since being medically discharged, my relationship with my family, and friends are extremely strained. It's not that I don't love them, but dealing with them, or people in general just pisses me off. My social life is ruined I have gone out with friends and I feel uncomfortable, and like I don't fit in.

What's worse is I don't even like leaving the house unless it's dark. I just try to avoid people as much as possible. I know this "feeling sorry for myself" crap needs to end at one point, or I feel like I am going to live a depressing and lonely life. I don't want that, but at the same time I am not ready to abandon what I am at this point if that makes sense.

Sometimes I even think of my buddies who died, one bleed out when he was hit by a suicide bomber, and I try to imagine myself in those shoes. What's going through his mind? How does it feel to know the end is coming, and it's inevitable? Trying to comfort them as much as possible. That look in their eyes. You can see it on their face-- I don't want to die.

I hated war when I was there. But when I came home I missed it. There was no in between the two. When I was in Landstuhl I barely slept, even with all the medication they we're giving me. I was relieved, but also torn about leaving my buddies with two months left in the deployment.

Later that year, I got into a relationship. Everything was normal, but everything just took a drastic turn for the worst especially in 2011. I look back at my ex, and wish I would have explained things a little more concerning PTSD. There are some days I just didn't want to be around her, or anybody. It's not that I didn't love her, or was falling out of love with her, I just wanted to be alone. I was too blind to see how supportive she was, but at the same time I was ignorant of recognizing that she wanted to help me.

I look at that relationship, and think how am I going to do in the next one? I understand these experiences will never leave me, but can anybody give me advice how to handle it when it comes? I just have a hard time coping with it all, literally every night I try to understand why, and how I changed. Trying to find a reason on why some of my buddies we're killed, to have some sense of understanding to no avail.

Heck just a few nights ago I went to grab something to eat and somebody was in the parking lot with their headlights pointed at me while I was paying for my food, and felt so uncomfortable. So exposed, but I know I am not in Afghanistan anymore, but at the same time I can't help but feel irritated, and angry, but I just brushed it off. I felt like I was in danger.

I've been doing PTSD therapy for two and a half years (EMDR, and recently Prolonged Exposure) and it just hasn't done anything. In fact I quit taking my medication, but recently changed my prescription to focus on my irritability, and anxiety. I do talk to my buddies when I am on the breaking point which helps, but it is just hard to meet people. I don't care what they think, it's not that I despise them, but they just don't understand.

They live in a society where it's safe, they don't get exposed to that. I am glad they don't because war does change you, but there's a little bit of anger inside of me not because they don't know, but what they don't know. It pisses me off they act like they know everything, but don't have a f*cking clue.

My ex and my friends at home who watch these dumb f*cking shows like The Biggest Loser, American Idol etc just irritate the hell out of me. I can't stand watching those f*cking shows, it drives me nuts seeing them act like there is nothing in the world going on right now. It disgusts me to be honest.

I am beginning school this fall, and nervous as hell. I know I have to do it, and for one it's free schooling why not take advantage if the military is offering to pay for your education. But at the same time I dread the fact that I will be along side these people. Not that I hate them-- I am just so numb. I want to change my life, and I hope school will help in some ways.

Even though some bad things happened during deployment, I just wish I was in Afghanistan. I would feel like home. Like I belong there, but I also remember the risk and danger of war. You come home, and so much shit is going on around you it just drives me insane sometimes.

If anybody could offer advice I would greatly appreciate it. I know I have to make some drastic changes to my life, I want to be happy again. I accept the fact that I came home a changed man, but at times I am conflicted over it, because I was such a great person. I come home, and friends ask me why I don't keep in touch anymore. I don't explain it to them, I just tell them I am "tired", or aren't up for hanging out.

I just wish I could get my life back on track.

 

[Ned]

Mate none of the above is any different to what I've been through, emotionally or just reasoning-wise. My worst time was in NI so I totally empathise with the twitchy bit in a 'normal' urban environment.
It takes practice, a sort of exposure therapy. Bit like dipping your toe into a cold pool. No point in going the whole hog at first and 'testing to destruction'. But try and sort yourself a progressive programme, sort of:

1. Today I'll just walk down to the shops.
2. Once I've got that sorted, another day I'll go in, just browse.
3. Once I've got that sorted I'll etc. etc. etc.

Worked for me, and this site's main man Anthony reccomended it. Baby steps.
Main thing is to work on getting that stress cup level down, and thinking things through.
As for school, I'd go for it. Anything that adds purpose is good. Tell yourself your there to learn and get on, not to be annoyed by bleating.
Ned.

 

[Jimmy1]

Bleat away, that is what we are here for, to listen and help if you want. You can even PM us. We don't mind.

 

[Ned]

Just to clarify, the bleating not to get irritated over is that of the little lambs who will be your fellow students....
That said, others on this site have done it, and generally the impression is that they found they were given a bit of 'space'.
As for here, yes, go 'baaa' as much as you need. But be warned, Alan might kebab you.

 

[Zipperhead]

Morning Soda. I have found some civi's that have brains. They are few and far between, but there is nothing saying you need be social with everyone out there. Recognise the value of those around you and work with the few who are worthy. I am in a new town since I got out. The people I tend to associate with are firefighters, a token cop, a couple of er nurses, and a paramedic. I can't go out to the Legion though. Too many wannabes and peacetime soldiers. I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with peacetime soldiers, but they tend to have small man syndrome once a vet shows up. It doesn't make for a warm fuzzy.

 

[Spock]

...I am beginning school this fall, and nervous as hell. I know I have to do it, and for one it's free schooling why not take advantage if the military is offering to pay for your education. But at the same time I dread the fact that I will be along side these people. Not that I hate them-- I am just so numb. I want to change my life, and I hope school will help in some ways.

If anybody could offer advice I would greatly appreciate it. I know I have to make some drastic changes to my life, I want to be happy again. I accept the fact that I came home a changed man, but at times I am conflicted over it, because I was such a great person. I come home, and friends ask me why I don't keep in touch anymore. I don't explain it to them, I just tell them I am "tired", or aren't up for hanging out.

Soda,
Good for you! I'm starting school again too. I think you have one answer for that already, in what you wrote. You know what a trigger will be which is good. Prepare yourself for that everyday. Every time I get in a car to drive somewhere I have to prepare for triggers and it has gotten better as I've developed more coping skills. The unexpected stuff, I still have to deal with after I get spun up.

You're still a great person. Each day you deal with this beast makes you stronger. Yes your combat changed you but hopefully one day you will also say it made you stronger.

Stay safe, stay strong

 

[jackrabbit]

I just finished going back to school, and with all the strikes against me--twice the age of the average student, vet, outspoken, at times a little intense--I was sure I'd hate it. I was sure it'd be full of anti-war radically liberal couchebags that I'd want to off ever single day.

I loved it.

It was an awesome experience; so good, I'm sad it's over.

People were friendly, and respectful, and I had lots of great discussions. Didn't make any real friends, but it was nice to socialize and everyone treated me fine.

It's a good step for you. A big step. And you'll do well.

I would suggest you start small, though. Community college, or a branch campus. I went to a UWa branch; small classes, great profs who knew my name, no huge campus to get lost in. And my degree still says UW. :)

 

[Sarg]

Yeah, I can back up Jack. One of the most incredible things I've ever done. Same thing, students treated me with respect (while the war and anti war bunch were still raging), profs really liked us as we were there to learn, not because mommy and daddy wanted us out of the house.

Learned a lot, made some forever brothers and met some really incredible people.

If your beast will allow, jump at it. The G.I. Bill is there just for us, use it.

Sarg

 

[sodapopdude87]

Thanks guys for all the advice, it's nice to just let everything off my shoulders. Sometimes I wonder if I over exaggerate things, and thanks Jack for giving me an incite that you enjoyed school. It is probably one of the most nerve wrecking things I could imagine going through, but as you said it could be a blessing in disguise.

Do any of you guys have any suggestions regarding support groups? Perhaps if I get myself around some vets in my area it will be better. Even though I have close family, and friends I feel so alone in my battle. Ever since I left the military it has been a lonely experience.

I will try baby steps, and thank you Ned. It is why I decided to do prolonged exposure over EMDR. EMDR didn't really help much, but I just started Prolonged Exposure and have noticed it it's extremely difficult when you first start out, my therapist wasn't joking about that part. Has anyone ever done Prolonged Exposure? I have noticed beginning PE that it made my PTSD a little worse, and brought back some emotions from my deployment rather quickly. But I will stick with it.

Thanks so much guys for giving me words of encouragement. I find it extremely valuable hearing your guys input on how to deal with PTSD, and adjusting back into society.

 

[Sarg]

Soda, if you go back to school, expect it to be pandemonium the first few weeks. Take it in little pieces. Registration is like the most screwed up military exercise you've ever seen. I'd sign up for a few classes...then go out and smoke a few cigarettes...then head down, back into the onslaught and sign up for more. It's crazy.. But a good crazy, optimistic, upbeat, lotz of smiles and pretty girls.

Finding other Vets was easy for me anyway, I just looked for the O.D. Green field jackets (with someone about my age in it). We had a tight group and we literally pulled each other through some tough classes.

Wouldn't trade one second for it. Got an Engineering degree that really helped my career. (The rise before the fall).

Sarg