I feel like I just needed to get this out. I never thought that what my brother did to me was abuse. I used to think that it was normal and that what happened wasn't anything wrong. My mum said that what happened was just a naked game. Sometimes it was just undressing and stuff like that but once it really did go too far and I really didn't think that was just sexual experimentation. He asked me if I wanted to play a game and I agreed to it. Sometimes I still ask myself if it was my fault because I didn't say no. We went into the bathroom and he asked me to bend over and take off my clothes. He inserted a finger into me. I think it was more than a few times. Then my mum came home so he stopped and told me to put on my clothes. I didn't think that what happened really did affect me. Someone told me that even though he didn't rape me, it was still sexual assault but right now, I really don't know.
I never really told my therapist what happened but she diagnosed me with PTSD. She knows that stuff happened in my childhood but I didn't really want to talk about it so she didn't push me too far with the questions. Sometimes I ask myself if my childhood was really that traumatic. I mean, he did physically abuse me and he used to lock in up in a store room for fun but I always thought that it was normal for siblings to bully each other and whatever he did to me was just sexual experimentation. That's what everybody says so I don't know why my therapist and my doctor would think I have PTSD.
When I tried talking to my mother about what he did to me, she said I was making it up and that it was just a naked game. Now, my dad and her went around telling all my relatives that I was making up stories like this. I just attended a family gathering where all my relatives were pretending to be nice to me and they all knew about it. They kept making comments and jokes about it because they didn't even believe that my brother had done it. They kept laughing and I was there and I just couldn't take it anymore. I used to think that though my parents weren't perfect that they weren't that bad but right now, I hate them so much. It's bad enough that you don't believe me but you went around telling everybody that I was lying about it. I don't even know why everyone believes your lies. Now my entire family hates me. All I want to do is find a job so I will finally have enough money to move out. I just want to cut off all contact with my family. I tell myself that I don't care anymore and what they say can't hurt me but being around them and hearing what they said really triggered me. I keep thinking about harming or killing myself. I'm not going to do it and I'm not suicidal but I'm in so much pain right now. Why won't anybody believe me? Is there something really wrong with me? Does everybody really hate me? Are all my memories untrue?
I never really told my therapist what happened but she diagnosed me with PTSD. She knows that stuff happened in my childhood but I didn't really want to talk about it so she didn't push me too far with the questions. Sometimes I ask myself if my childhood was really that traumatic. I mean, he did physically abuse me and he used to lock in up in a store room for fun but I always thought that it was normal for siblings to bully each other and whatever he did to me was just sexual experimentation. That's what everybody says so I don't know why my therapist and my doctor would think I have PTSD.
When I tried talking to my mother about what he did to me, she said I was making it up and that it was just a naked game. Now, my dad and her went around telling all my relatives that I was making up stories like this. I just attended a family gathering where all my relatives were pretending to be nice to me and they all knew about it. They kept making comments and jokes about it because they didn't even believe that my brother had done it. They kept laughing and I was there and I just couldn't take it anymore. I used to think that though my parents weren't perfect that they weren't that bad but right now, I hate them so much. It's bad enough that you don't believe me but you went around telling everybody that I was lying about it. I don't even know why everyone believes your lies. Now my entire family hates me. All I want to do is find a job so I will finally have enough money to move out. I just want to cut off all contact with my family. I tell myself that I don't care anymore and what they say can't hurt me but being around them and hearing what they said really triggered me. I keep thinking about harming or killing myself. I'm not going to do it and I'm not suicidal but I'm in so much pain right now. Why won't anybody believe me? Is there something really wrong with me? Does everybody really hate me? Are all my memories untrue?
