Sexual Assault Just When I Thought I Was Treading Water...

[Brokensoul88]

So a quick explanation, I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome which I was diagnosed with after I was raped. I started bleeding every day and was so uncomfortable with anyone touching me I waited around 9 months wearing a sanitary towel every day to see a doctor. When I saw the doc I had an internal exam which at the time was so difficult. What I haven't mention was that when I had that exam I had amnesia and had no memory of my assault but the underlying fear was there.

Spring forward to today- I take the pill to stop the bleeding and had my 6 month check the other day. The nurse noted that I have put on a lot of weight since this time last year, which was when I had started to remember what happened & PTSD symptoms began. She said I need to lose weight or she will stop the tablets which would mean going back to a sanitary towel everyday if I don't. Eating is a big coping method for me along with cutting. In addition she noted I had ignored the cervical screening letters since they started 2 years ago when I reached 25. (It arrived on my birthday and I cried on my own for hours not fully understanding why I was so upset but now I remember, I know why)

I said I couldn't do it and she said "why? Has something happened to you?" My heart felt like it was being squeezed to death & I nodded, she said that I could have a friend present and medicines to relax me but that is now another proviso for continuing with the pill. I sobbed all evening then just felt numb & since then it's all I can think of. It prompted me cutting again which I had gone 6 weeks without doing.

I feel so immensely low now, I can't do it and I have seen people say it's difficult but they have had cervical screenings. I cannot imagine being able to do it. I have never had sex & was raped orally & anally among other things that night almost 7 years ago. No one has touched me since then.

My choice now is risk triggering myself back to day one of this misery or wear pads for the rest of my life. How do you manage to get past the exam?

 

[theotherside]

I can relate so much to how you feel. Im sooo sorry you are going through this.

I cant get an exame either. I was forced to when i was pregnant and the dr asked if i was abused or raped because they had to pry my legs open and i was crying. I really need to go back for a check up but idk how...i just dont know. I mean i will have to be asleep for it..its that bad. Before my ptsd went full force i could get checkups, but one time i needed a cervical biopsy and they could not do it because i was trembling..teeth chattering and crying...so they sent me home...
I came back with my mom and heavy dose of valium.. my mom wouldnt let me leave without getting it done..so i pretty much got through it and was so relieved to be done with it...
Any since my full blown ptsd symptoms have came out since my last traum/loss i have not been back..i could barely get through it before ptsd...how the hell will i do it now...
Anyway so sorry for what you are going through and i hope we can both figure out how to get the help we need

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

Hi there -

I am sorry for the suffering you both have had to go through -

I got my PTSD through emotional trauma not physical trauma so I am not sure what I say will be beneficial - but I will offer it anyway. I hope that's okey.

What has worked sometimes for me when I have had to deal with situations that remind me of my trauma is to trick my mind - sort of like dangling a carrot in front of a mule to get them to move - my mind being the mule. I tell myself that the thing I need to do but am afraid to is happening in the present moment - and the present moment is safe - and each time my mind wants to take me back to that scary past moment - I keep bringing it back to the present - holding my thoughts with compassion and reminding myself I am in the present and I am safe - tricking my mind into calming down enough for me to get through what I need to do and promising my mind that once this is over, and we are still safe, if I want to I can go back to that scary time again in my mind

Anyway, the trick has worked for me

I hope and pray both of you find peace and serenity -

 

[Brokensoul88]

Thanks for the response Laurie. Theotherside- it seems like there's not many people in our situation judging by the number of replies :(

 

[anonymous]

it seems like there's not many people in our situation judging by the number of replies

I don't think your alone in the situation. I think a lot of people who have sexual trauma feel similarly about smears. I think there have been other threads before about it and it might be worth doing a search if you haven't already. I am one of those people, but have not managed to get past the fear to have the exam, so I'm afraid I can't help or answer the question, only sympathise.

Something that maybe worth considering for future threads - I didn't have any idea from your title what this thread would be about. This could be another reason for the small number of replies.

 

[Brokensoul88]

Thanks anonymous

 

[Friday]

Theotherside- it seems like there's not many people in our situation judging by the number of replies :(

Actually... If you search PAP, Pelvic Exam, OB/GYN, & similar... You'll find hundreds of threads & thousands of replies. It's a pretty common situation, unfortunately.

 

[Lucycat]

I too was diagnosed with poly cystic ovarian syndrome. (PCOS). My bleeding was not quite as bad as you report, but bad enough. I have been taking pills for several years which has been great.

However I also was threatened with no more prescriptions until I had a smear test. I plucked up the courage to speak personally with the nurse to make the appointment. I gave her no real details, just said I needed the test and was petrified but could not manage without my pills. She was lovely. We made an appointment for the next day and that was when I discovered the hardest part had actually been making the appointment. The test was over in a flash and I walked out feeling so proud of myself!

 

[numb87]

Hi

I totally know how you feel. I reporter my attack and I had to go through the whole ordeal at the police station. Then again at the clinic. 1 month later I then had to go for a check up smear as 6 months prior to my attack I had cancerous cells removed from my cervix.

I shaked and cried and felt numb. I told myself that it was like facing your fears. I have ever tested again since and I still find it difficult but try to tell myself to face my fears and it will get better.

Like you I do not have any memory of my attack just the memory's of the aftermath so I can kinda identify with you.

It will get easier with time is all I can say.

I am so sorry for what happened to you.

I'm not sure if I'm helping but your not alone on this one. It's Ok to not be ok with it.

Stay strong xx