Relationship Knowing When To Let Go...

[HelloMo80]

I'm not sure I completely agree that PTSD does not make you violent. I think PTSD can make a person with the pre-existing inclination for violence more violent- which is sort of what they're saying anyway.

Ditto. As someone who has a mental disorder, if you are already a hot-head or prone to solving issues by raging to release tension, than any mental condition can be the catalyst to push you over the edge. However, in the "sane" moments, that's when you have to seek help. What most people don't know is with every cycle of abuse, the phases get shorter and shorter. It's like the law of inverse proportions. The longer you stay, the more frequent the abuse becomes.

Him having PTSD isn't the issue at hand. He refuses help. That's the issue. Whether it's PTSD or not that is a factor in his behavior is irrelevant. He's hitting you. He's calling you names. He's raging at you while your pregnant. What in the world makes you think that if you just "love harder" that he will do better? I know the victimology of abuse...and I know it's not your fault. You can't take ownership of him. You can take ownership of your situation and that of your unborn child. Let him leave. Get into counseling and get emotionally healthy. Keep him out of your life. If he wants to get help and get better, he'll do it because he wants to. Nothing you say or do will change that.

Sorry to be such a downer, but it's real life out here. I wish you luck and blessings on this journey. And keep posting. Much of what you read here will be of help.

 

[StarChild]

He refuses help. That's the issue. Whether it's PTSD or not that is a factor in his behavior is irrelevant. He's hitting you. He's calling you names. He's raging at you while your pregnant. What in the world makes you think that if you just "love harder" that he will do better? You can take ownership of your situation and that of your unborn child. Let him leave. Get into counseling and get emotionally healthy. Keep him out of your life.

Amen to that!!!

And I still stupid to stand by his side?

Dear Lucia, I don't know how to get that - Is that a question, or is it irony?.... Nobody has said or meant that you, or your love to that man is stupid. All people who wrote you, do really, really care about you, about your and your baby's safety! Now it's up to you what you'll made of it.

I'm sending you a gentle hug. :hug:

 

[Pencil]

What most people don't know is with every cycle of abuse, the phases get shorter and shorter. It's like the law of inverse proportions. The longer you stay, the more frequent the abuse becomes.

This is what I was trying to say, but fumbled. This is it exactly. The abuse becomes more frequent, and it becomes more violent.

 

[Abstract]

And what I have found is that one can stand up and set a so called firm boundary and it will then just enter a longer cycle. And then escalate slowly again.

It took others to show me that cycles can enter long phases later on. Sometimes of years. There is literature on this.

Thats why I believe the change has to happen first and with one absent and for a long time. And with very firm and decided actions if it contravened after.

Lucia, I hope you can see you were not being attacked here and rather this is a case of concern. I hope you let us know what happens.

 

[Lost Again]

Hi Lucia.

I got pregnant a few months after dating my ptsd sufferer. When things were good, I was happy about it. When things were bad i thought this was crazy and debated abortion. I went back and forth, back and forth, it was really hard emotionally. I knew the relationship was unhealthy and there was something seriously wrong with my boyfriend. I finally made an appointment for an abortion thinking this was the only way i could cut and run; it was the logical choice. And then I ended up not showing up. The moment I didn't show up for the appointment, I took full responsibility for my child. Meaning it was my choice to bring this child into this world and take care of it.

My partner had attempted some physical abuse in the first few months, before I got pregnant. While I am still with him today, filing a police report and leaving him were the moments that he took steps towards getting help. What i look out for is where their boundaries are, and it's scary that your man followed through on his threat to break your car window.

We have a healthy 3 month old boy but compared to my first child, he startles really easy' wants me to always hold him, and has a lot of problems soothing himself. During my pregnancy there were a lot of angry outbursts from him, and lots of moments where I was scared or upset, and I wonder if it affected our child.

Once you have your baby, your relationship with your man will likely change. If he's violent, you will likely not be comfortable leaving him alone with your child. If he's violent or even with PTSD, he may find it really hard to live with a crying newborn. He may find it upsetting when he is competing for your time or patience. You can't easily get up and go save or find him. You may begin to feel resentful towards him and his issues. Your need for a stable and peaceful environment will become more important.

It's really hard when you're in love with someone to step away. The best thing you could probably do for your relationship and your child is to file a report every time he commits a crime against you, but given how out of control he is it would likely lead to the end of your relationship at least for now. I don't think i turned my back on my partner when I filed a report on him. But I did let him know I wasn't his punching bag and if he needs help, sometimes the best thing you can do is let people know that he's out of control. Sorry for what you are going through, I have been there and it's really hard. Setting high standards is probably the best you can do for your partner whether he is able to see that now or not.

 

[Laurajayne27]

What happened?

 

[billie]

Your child's safety and well-being is more important than someone who dodges treatment. Sorry for being firm but coming from a horrific childhood I believe no child should endure any negative environments made by adults. I truly believe too that you do love him. The best you can do is design a boundary for your child and yourself and advise him to follow through with treatment. Sorry to say again, but any adult who refuses treatment and holds characteristics such as your man, can inflict major psychological effects on children, and even you. I wish you strength and clarity; we are here for you.