General Knowledge Versus Living With PTSD

[Nicolette]

After being on this forum for over 3 years now I have learned a lot about PTSD along with living with it in my life.

It is always easier to sit on the outside, read about someone's situation and dish out advice (which is probably really good) but to be on the other end, drained, emotional and frustrated I know that responses seem harsh and what is suggested is often easier said than done.

While I believe I have a good understanding on what is best and best not to do when your Sufferer is ill sometimes I find that even all that knowledge and understanding is not enough to rationalize and de-sensitize yourself to what you are going through. How can someone who loved you yesterday be so distant today or even mean? How does it all become about them before you know it and your pain is somehow less significant than a PTSD Sufferer's struggle? How do you end up feeling so alone while trying to offer nothing but kindness and support?

Most days and most times I deal with the illness in my life and thankfully my husband is relatively well managed so the episodes are less severe and less often. The problem with this I have found is that you then become used to a new PTSD level so when the 'monster' comes out to play unpredictably at a harsher rate than normal it is like learning about it all over again and it hurts.

I also understand that if I am not well, being it that I am sick or stressed etc, my ability to process and cope with a PTSD episode becomes so much more of a toll on me than normal.

How do you de-humanize yourself enough to just act on the knowledge and leave the emotion aside. I don't think we are built to do that. It's really hard to pick up your heart, take it out of your body and put it aside while dealing with PTSD sometimes.

The ironic part about all of what I am saying is the direct and harsh advice given by those with experience and who are not themselves struggling at the time is usually right.

How do you cope with PTSD based on what you know and then being able to mesh that with your natural reactions and emotions? To me it comes close to almost disassociating with the reality so you are only dealing with the PTSD and not yourself.

What do other Carers think?

 

[Learning123]

Hi Nicolette,

It's the million dollar question! I wish I knew the answer, but I guess focusing on all the positives and knowing that a better day will come helps.

I personally find it very hard to fuse the knowledge with the emotions, which is why I come on here and vent sometimes!!!! But then I get a positive, whether it's an 'I'm sorry' or a hug and I just hold onto it. I guess everyone is different, but that's it for me.

 

[amethist]

I think my husband came up with a good description a few month ago Nicolette.

Its a bit like a cancer, just when you think you have got it under control, up pops another bit to bite you. Sometimes not as bad, sometimes worse, you just never know which one comes next.

To answer your question though, my own mind gave me these answers.

You can,t separate your heart form PTSD. No matter how hard you try.

You won't ever learn about all the different "Monsters that come out to play". There is always a new one waiting to take over form the last.

You never will be able to de-humanise yourself from any of this. We would probably end up worse than them if we did this too often.

We give the harsh advice out to others, because we know it is right, but that does not mean that we can always do as we should. That is the part which shows we are human and we can still make mistakes. What may be the best things to do when our sufferers are ill does not always mean it is the right way.

So an occasional kick in the butt, then leave them to deal with it, is sometimes the right way, but not necessarily the best.

I have a saying which goes a long way when hubby drives me nuts. "I love him to bits, but I do not always like him". I tell him this too, he understands what I mean by it.

I am upset with him right now, and he know and understands why.

Talking is good, maybe we all should do more when we can.

 

[Iam]

We give the harsh advice out to others, because we know it is right, but that does not mean that we can always do as we should. That is the part which shows we are human and we can still make mistakes. What may be the best things to do when our sufferers are ill does not always mean it is the right way.

So an occasional kick in the butt, then leave them to deal with it, is sometimes the right way, but not necessarily the best.

OMG Amethist......this is so what I do to my friend who suffers from PTSD too. I hate myself for it.

Knowing the truth and living it are two totally separate things. You understand this and your husband is lucky to have you!

 

[Jawn]

I think Amethist is right. You need to tell them what you think/feel and then leave them to process it. And go focus on yourself. Better days/times will come after the current storm ends.

Jawn

 

[AdamAnt]

Reacting to PTSD episodes seems so counter-intuitive that we almost have to have the reactions written down somewhere and just follow the rules when the events happen. That's why this place works so well I think, good thing we're not all dealing with it at once so there's at least one here who can dish out the advice when we need it!

It really is a good thing to have the opportunity to give the advice regularly so that when the time comes we can recognise it and hopefully put it to use. Not that I'm the best at it, I fall down at least as much as I stand up when the stress is on...livin and learning here.

 

[memyboatandi]

thank you for this post....it is so close to what I am feeling right now, I am new here and new to PTSD...and you are right, it is very hard to take out your heart...and put it aside!

 

[Nicolette]

Clyde posted this in a response to an introduction and I think it is apt for this thread...........

One thing I found really reassuring at some point was a reminder that isolation is just really hard. Someone once told me that most people would rather be yelled at than ignored - a weird reminder of how devastating it can be. So for me, it is important to remember that her (in your case his) being closed off and distance is hard, and it would be for anyone. In fact, it is somehow a sign of how much you care about each other that makes is so difficult. I try to remind myself that the situation is hard, and by extension (and most importantly) she isn't "doing" this horrible thing to me. She isn't trying to hurt me - it is the situation that is horrible.

 

[ISupportHer]

Interesting to think of this last quote.

One thing I have tried to do is to attempt to have some awareness of my own feelings that drive my reactions and responses. I think that sometimes we are driven by a basic desire to meet our own needs. Like Maslow's Heierarchy of Needs and how that may be behind some of what I feel anyway. When I read the comment about people rather being yelled at than being ignored it made me think of how a child (or a pet for that matter) that acts out when not getting parental attention. You know, that the need for ANY attention, even bad attention, being the cause of that.

Makes me wonder if some of that has driven my responses sometimes. Trying to get a rise out of her rather than feel I am "left out". Interesting concept. I'll have to watch out for those feelings. If I am aware of it then I can change my response with that awareness.

ISH

 

[Nicolette]

Trying to get a rise out of her rather than feel I am "left out". Interesting concept. I'll have to watch out for those feelings. If I am aware of it then I can change my response with that awareness.

I admire your thoughts on your end ISH. I just wish PTSD was more of a two way street as some days it can feel one way.