I had a day yesterday. It wasn't like every other day. With my new supports my world is opening up and people are helping me to live life again. I didn't realize that I was living a life that had secluded me so much. So much so that I didn't listen to radio or watch tv, didn't go to stores, barely left my house, I have no idea who political figures are, actors, actresses etc. So as I have been frozen in time, of course, life goes on around me. And really it was a simple task. My SO gave me a bank card to take some money out of. Holy crap! Did this experience ever slap me in the face as to how 'dead' I have actually been.
I won't get into the details as it is a long story, but simply speaking it felt like I did not belong anymore. That I had literally been in a coffin (which I made for myself) and had woken up and tried to function in a world that is very different than it was almost 10 years ago. What a creepy feeling! I could not cope. I got lost (long story) and that is a trigger for me as I get so disoriented so easily, I melted down because I couldn't find an ATM that wasn't going to charge a fee and it wasn't my card, I was late getting the money there while people were waiting for me, I didn't think to ask whether checking or savings, I made probably 10 phone calls asking simple questions that I would have at one time thought through prior to my 'little excursion'. When I reached my destination I swear I felt like I was going to faint. Tears streaming down my eyes - no crying just tears. I felt like a freaking 5 year old given way too much responsibility!
People reminded me that I have improved so much and that even 3 months ago I could not have gone through that without parking my car and passing out somewhere, but I have to tell you that didn't help much. Passing out is easy I have now learned. Feeling how this feels, the idea that me, a woman who lived a very responsible and adult life needs to be 'led' everywhere I go step by step as I melt down and panic and tear up and get overwhelmed and confused. OMG. I feel like this is a trauma in and of itself.
What the he** is wrong with me?????? It is so daunting knowing that I will be attempting to 'step out' again. I have to tell you, I am not certain it is what I want but it is definitely what I have worked towards. I just didn't realize it would feel this way. I thought I would feel victory! Hell no! I feel like a young child and this feels like a totally foreign world, where everything has changed. It feels like I am waking after being dead for 10 years. Horrifying. I wish I could just take in what everyone says I should be feeling - victory. I think I just feel such grief for so many years lost. Shock at how much time I have lost. Panic at how I will survive in this world. Worry that I really don't want to survive in this world because it will just be so much easier to stay in this coffin I have made for myself. I am not religious but God help me. This is so hard.
I won't get into the details as it is a long story, but simply speaking it felt like I did not belong anymore. That I had literally been in a coffin (which I made for myself) and had woken up and tried to function in a world that is very different than it was almost 10 years ago. What a creepy feeling! I could not cope. I got lost (long story) and that is a trigger for me as I get so disoriented so easily, I melted down because I couldn't find an ATM that wasn't going to charge a fee and it wasn't my card, I was late getting the money there while people were waiting for me, I didn't think to ask whether checking or savings, I made probably 10 phone calls asking simple questions that I would have at one time thought through prior to my 'little excursion'. When I reached my destination I swear I felt like I was going to faint. Tears streaming down my eyes - no crying just tears. I felt like a freaking 5 year old given way too much responsibility!
People reminded me that I have improved so much and that even 3 months ago I could not have gone through that without parking my car and passing out somewhere, but I have to tell you that didn't help much. Passing out is easy I have now learned. Feeling how this feels, the idea that me, a woman who lived a very responsible and adult life needs to be 'led' everywhere I go step by step as I melt down and panic and tear up and get overwhelmed and confused. OMG. I feel like this is a trauma in and of itself.
What the he** is wrong with me?????? It is so daunting knowing that I will be attempting to 'step out' again. I have to tell you, I am not certain it is what I want but it is definitely what I have worked towards. I just didn't realize it would feel this way. I thought I would feel victory! Hell no! I feel like a young child and this feels like a totally foreign world, where everything has changed. It feels like I am waking after being dead for 10 years. Horrifying. I wish I could just take in what everyone says I should be feeling - victory. I think I just feel such grief for so many years lost. Shock at how much time I have lost. Panic at how I will survive in this world. Worry that I really don't want to survive in this world because it will just be so much easier to stay in this coffin I have made for myself. I am not religious but God help me. This is so hard.
