Relationship Left In The Dark: Husband Of 9 Years Left

[ds112496]

This is my first post here. I have been doing a lot of reading the past few weeks and have read so many posts that I can relate to. This morning I have so much inside and I feel that this is the only place I can go where people will truly understand.

My husband is active duty army on currently on his 3rd deployment. We have been married just shy of 17 years and have a daughter who just turned 16. The early years of our marriage were rocky and both of us did things that we shouldn't have, but when he came home from his 1st deployment he seemed all about family and that he wanted things to work out. Things were good and we weathered a 2nd deployment. Again he came home all about family so I felt that things were good. Although I noticed changes in him. He wasn't as patient, seemed to get angry easier, and his driving scared me to death. This continued and in 2010 we were in a car accident and he hit his head. The accident was not our fault and I have permanent issues as a result. After the accident I noticed that his mood seemed negative and cold. He wasn't sleeping and started to get headaches more frequently. I was able to get him to seek treatment. His counselor at the time referred him for psych testing. That is when we found out he had mild tbi and ptsd. The base we were stationed at was small and counseling services were limited. He was not seen on a regular basis so he stopped going. He tried to get referred off post but was denied. We knew we would be moving so he decided to wait and try again at our next duty station.

This was a big move for us because we were planning for his retirement. We bought a house that we felt we could live in long term. It was about 25 minutes from the base. He didn't want to be near soldiers when he was off. He didn't seek treatment right away because he found out he would be deploying again and his schedule didn't really permit it. I could tell that he was struggling. He would say that he didn't think he had another deployment in him. He became more distant. The everyday stresses of life and the things to do around the house were getting to him. Money was also tight so he wasn't able to do some of the things he enjoyed. He would tell me to let him know if we didn't have the money since I had always done the finances. He never wanted to sit down with me so I could show him our expenses. Despite everything going on our relationship seemed good. I saw no red flags. When he deployed in April he said he loved me and to keep my chin up because this wouldn't last long. This deployment was different than the others because he was doing a desk job. We would video chat almost everyday. I could tell he was stressed about his job and the added pressure he was under. I tried to be supportive and sent him packages and emails to let him know how much I loved him. In mid July he told me that he would be doing a 2nd job that would be a bit more dangerous. I wasn't thrilled. That is when the changes came. I could see how tired he was when we talked. His mood was low too. He started smoking and his calls were less frequent. I also noticed he was spending more money than usual. His mid-tour was scheduled for the end of August so we began to plan some of the things we were going to do. It was also our daughter's birthday and I was planning a party for her. Discussion about his parents and his brother's family coming caused stress. I told him that I was concerned that with 6 extra people in the house it would be more chaotic and he would have to divide his attention in so many different directions. I was ok with just his parents, which was the original plan. After this disagreement he became even more distant and stopped saying he loved me in his emails. When I asked him about it he just said that he was really busy.

On the morning of August 25 he shows up at the house and immediately starts packing his things. I had no idea that he was coming. He would not hug me or show me any affection and announced that he wasn't happy and wanted a divorce. The time he had while deployed had made him think about things. He started bringing up stuff that happened early in the marriage, over 9 years ago. He said he couldn't get over it and that we were done. He also admitted to cheating and kept saying he had done terrible things to me in the marriage. He would not elaborate. He kept saying he wasn't happy, that he didn't feel right in the head and hated people. He also said he had thought about suicide and that he knew he needed to find a counselor to help him. It was like talking to a different man. He was rushing around trying to pack and I could tell that he didn't want anything to do with me. It almost felt like if he had slowed down to think about what he was doing he would lose his nerve. After 2 hours he left. I have no idea where he went and he wouldn't answer my calls or texts. That night I called his parents and spoke to his mom. She informed me that they were advised not to come and that I had said his brother's family wasn't welcome in our house. I told her that isn't what I said and explained that I thought it might be better for everyone to come when he was home for good. I asked her if she blamed me for this and her response was that I must have said something much worse because he was crying when he told her these things. She then said she was upset and hung up on me. I haven't talked to her since. About 3 days later my husband shows up with the sheriff to get more of his stuff. He again showed no emotion towards me and didn't want anything to do with me. That would be the last time I would see him except for the hour he spent at our daughter's party. He was even weird at the party. He smoked like a chimney and just seemed like he was checked out. The whole time he was home he wanted nothing to do with me and wouldn't even come to the house. He cut me off completely, made changes to his pay, and filed for divorce. I have been completely blindsided by all of this and never saw it coming. The day he left to go back he posted on his Facebook page that he had fun with his parents and our daughter (who he saw less than 10 hours the entire time he was home), did some necessary cleanup, and that it went too fast. I guess I was the necessary cleanup he was talking about. He also deleted any pictures that I was in. I am angry, sad, and hurt by all of this.

It has been easier to deal with now that he is gone again, but I am still walking around wondering how all of this happened. I forgot to mention that he spent his 2 weeks drinking, spending lots of money, getting tattoos (he had none), and hanging around people I have never met. I'm not even sure how he met them. I also have no idea where or who he stayed with. Nothing about his behavior was normal. I was able to talk to his SGM who is deployed with him. He has met me. When I told him the situation he was shocked. I also told him about his thoughts of suicide. He said that my husband would be command referred to mental health as soon as he got back. I hung up the phone feeling hopeful, but I now have doubts that it actually happened.

I am having a difficult time dealing with all of this. I feel like I am grieving someone who has died. I pray everyday that he will get help and realize what he has done, but I am not hopeful about that either. He has made it quite clear that he wants to erase our entire life together.

How do you just walk away from your life and act like it all meant nothing? Please help me understand.

 

[ds112496]

I am sure that his parents have no idea that he has talked about suicide. Unfortunately he has told them not to talk to me. Basically I have been completely cut off from him and his parents. It is so hard for me to understand how all of a sudden he hates me. I have contested the divorce and am waiting for his response. Since he will not communicate with me I have been left to wonder if there will be money to pay the bills. He has taken a large sum in the past few days so I have been forced to have my lawyer set up a temporary hearing for spousal support and child support. I never imagined that I would ever be in this position. My heart wants him to change his mind, but my head says he won't. I am trying to remember the good in him. He is the one who wants to erase our life together. I can't do that.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It has to got be a huge shock to the system for you, for all that to happen with no warning.

Unfortunately, you can help him if he won't help himself. I hope he can get the help he needs. It might do you some good to get some counselling too. You just got blindsided with divorce, are now a single mother, plus you are worried sick about the man you love. There is no shame in getting a little help. Even some family counselling with your daughter may be good.

Good luck, and hope for the best.

 

[nursenurse]

What I can't get over is the constant re-deploying of people who are already worn and showing signs of PTSD. And the lack of help once they have been pretty much incapacitated for a normal life makes me ill. The collateral damage to families is astounding, but we survive. I just worry about the days when they became so sick, so lonely, so scared and overwhelmed. What a life sentence.

You have done nothing wrong, it is amazing that you coped for so long. Frequently the extended family has absolutely no clue about what is wrong, and of course, the automatic response is to protect their own. Sometimes. Sometimes, as is my experience, the family does not want to understand. That creates more problems, and eventually, more isolation.

Find a good counsellor, you are grieving the man you lost, the marriage you had, the father of your child. There is no sense to PTSD. Some sufferers cope better than others. Your man doesn't know which end is up. I hope he will obtain the counselling he so desperately needs, but he is the only one who can help himself. Look out for yourself and your daughter first and foremost. Time will heal, as Sweetpea said, there is no harm in getting a little help, and I firmly believe that your daughter needs to be involved as well. Hugs and prayers going your way.

 

[ds112496]

My daughter and I are both going to counseling. I know that I have a lot to work out. I just want the intense anger that I feel to go away. I wake up every day with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I think what I am most bothered by right now is knowing his chain of command knows he has thought about suicide, told me he would be command referred to mental health and didn't send him. Basically my husband is back doing what he did before leave....sitting in his room alone hating me more. I just don't understand how he all of a sudden hates me.

 

[bell]

What you're going through is excessively hard, so hard that I have no idea what to tell you except to hang on to your sense of self and take care of you and your daughter first.

But, one thing I do know, @ds112496, is deep down, he most likely doesn't really hate you, he hates himself. Sadly, as a loved one, you are the easiest "target."

That's wonderful that both you are your daughter are going to counseling, what a great step for you! Are you going having separate sessions or going together? If they're joint, I'd explore the option of going individually as well, so you can share things that you might not want to share in front of your daughter. And, I'm sorry that you're going through so much pain along with watching a loved one go through so much pain, double the fun! :( The military has a lot to account for, and it's a shame that in many cases, they're not taking as good of care as their service members as they'd like.

 

[nursenurse]

Really, he is not hating you. He is hating himself, and pushing you away from that man. These men internalize everything bad that ever happens to them, and they blame themselves. They hate themselves. They feel ashamed and guilty, about things we know they had no control over, like what happens in combat, following orders they might not agree with, killing another human being, or watching a best buddy get blown up, and somehow they feel responsible for all of it. They don't necessarily start out like that, but for sure after multiple traumas, the military sends back a shadow of the human being that was sent out.

Try to remember that the PTSD is about him and his self loathing, even though you are in the line of fire, it really isn't about you. I hope he gets help. And I am so happy you and your daughter are receiving help. Good luck, it is a hard road you have to travel, but it does get better with time and with help and support from all those around you.

 

[ds112496]

I know that it is going to take me a long time to heal from this. I do feel that I am grieving the death of the man I love. I am not sure he will ever get the help that he needs to work thru his anger. I hope he does for our daughter's sake. She has not really come to terms with what is happening. In her eyes he was already gone, since he was deployed, so this is no different. I have seen him online and it has taken great restraint not to contact him. I have to remind myself that he isn't the same man. I hurt for my daughter because he hasn't really contacted her. But I find it interesting that she has seen him online and hasn't tried to talk to him either.

I still do not understand how events from over 9 years ago have set him off to the point where he would just walk away forever. Back then we both did things that we aren't proud of, but we moved on...or so I thought. I am fairly certain he has started talking to someone else. Probably someone he had sex with while he was home. It is disgusting to think that he is going to say one of the reasons he left was he thought I was unfaithful so many years ago and now he is with someone else. I know in my heart that it is just sex, but it still makes me sick. I just have to keep reminding myself that he is a different person. I am not as cold-hearted as he is. I do not choose to try and erase our life together. If nothing else, I got a beautiful daughter out of it. She will be my motivation to move on.

 

[Renee5624]

@ds112496 - I understand your confusion and pain. I'm so sorry you are going through this. My husband and I would have celebrated our 4th anniversary next month, however he decided to move out last month. Well, maybe that isn't accurate. He has been talking about wanting to separate for at least two years, but finally acted on it in August.

He is a combat veteran suffering from PTSD, and hasn't wanted to discuss the frequency or progress of therapy he's participated in. I know that he struggles with bringing up the past, yet he's tired of being angry and in pain, so at least now he is trying. I can't even get him to verbalize what he's looking to get out of the separation, nor why we even got to this point. He's detached himself totally. His family has backed off as well, and Now I feel like the outcast.

The one thing he hadn't removed himself from is being a father to our 3 year old. It's painful though, because she's old enough to recognize the change, and asks questions, but I don't know how to answer them. I live 9 hours away from my family, and I feel alone. I don't understand how he can just shut me out.

 

[ds112496]

Renee...I totally understand how you feel. My husband's family has cut me off as well. I wasn't surprised when it happened because I never felt like I fit in or that my husband stuck up for me with them. I have not talked to my husband in a month. He wants nothing to do with me. I am hurt that he went from loving me to hating me in the blink of an eye and I have come to accept that I may never know why. Each day seems easier than the one before, but today he sent me a friend request on Facebook. I had unfriended him right after he left. I don't have a clue why he did it since he has not made any attempt to contact me. For now I have decided not to respond. I just don't see anything positive coming from it. Plus, why would I want to look at his page when he has deleted all pictures with me in them and some of my comments too. No need to add salt to a wound that is slowly starting to heal.

I am frustrated because my daughter has had very little contact with him since he went back to Afghanistan. It's sad because she has seen him online and chooses not to contact him. She says it doesn't bother her, but I just don't see how it can't. I guess it will be something she works out in counseling.

In the midst of all this chaos I have to believe that God has a plan for me and will reveal it when the time is right.

 

[Renee5624]

I guess the family thing is to be expected. They have to choose, him or me, and right now his needing them to take his side is probably better than not having a relationship with him at all. He made a comment that they just don't know what to say, and don't want to be in the middle. Also, that they probably don't want to rock the boat and risk him not speaking to them like after his first deployment. I didn't even know there was a situation after he came home from his first deployment (I met him during his second). There is so much not being communicated and it frustrates me.

He holds so much control, since everyone walks on eggshells with him. I plead for some kind of explanation, but he says that he has none, doesn't want to argue, then hangs up the phone. I am his wife, the mother of his child, how can he just easily remove himself and behave as if it doesn't require some kind of understanding? I didn't even realize he secured the apartment when he did. I discovered it by a payment confirmation via email. He used his new address as the contact address, and it was located in the email I received. He simply said he was sorry I found out the way I did, and that he planned to tell me. In a way it was a relief, because I've been in limbo for two years wondering if he would leave, or if we could stick it out. Every issue felt like it would be that last straw. I stayed on edge because of it.

Now, I know he's gone, and this will likely be the end of the marriage, so I have more of a clearer path than before. I still wonder if this is entirely PTSD, or simply that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. He doesn't seem to behave this way with anyone else. Not his family, not coworkers, not friends, just me. As you said, I know that nothing is without God's purpose, and that we will be okay.

 

[oneandonlyMOM]

Thank you for sharing. I too, know what it feels like to be shut out by "family". I hope they are at least maintaining a relationship with your daughter. She is so lucky to have you.

I wish he would be honest about the real issues he is dealing with. I can see how unfair it is to you. A total blindside really! I am proud of how you're handling yourself and I hope more information is disclosed to you soon.