Relationship Letting Go

[tac1212]

Just an update in case anyone is still watching this and then I'll leave it. After the limited communication last night, he called early this morning and wanted to talk. He'd been out most the night (at least this time I wasn't with him) and was just getting home so his defenses were down or maybe he was still intoxicated but since he was in a relaxed state and we actually talked for awhile.

He did not have a clear picture of the night. I explained how he changed as the night went on. He asked if I was mad at him and I said no I wrote the note because it made me sad that we got angry at each other and that's not how we should be. I told him that I understood he has anger about his situation but that recently when drinking he has been directing at me and I didn't know why but that I could not accept it. He kind of joked that he's always nice and I said no you are not and you can say hurtful things and I won't just take it. He said he understood. I know in the future I will have to be prepared to remove myself if he is drinking and I feel the situation could go down that road. I'm glad we talked but he clearly was out drinking until the wee hours last night so it doesn't seem like he is ready to stop. :(

I feel stronger than I did before about saying NO to him. In the beginning I know I let things go because I felt he had enough to deal with but everyone on this site is right - ptsd is not an excuse for bad behavior.

 

[Bilby]

Setting the boundaries, and then implementing them, is hard work. No doubt about that. Stay true to your word, and yourself :)

B x

 

[annham]

tac - what you write really resonates with me. My (ex?) boyfriend drinks to excess as well. Drinks and drives. He's been told repeatedly by friends with PTSD that he should not drink but then they go drinking WITH him. Oh well.

I posted a book about my struggles lately in another thread (the hardest thing thread). I've been dealing with all of this since I met him in Sept 09. I helped him through some very bad times, when he was suicidal and he pledged his undying love for me, we were going to get married, be together forever, etc. Then a year ago, things got really bad, he became very cold/mean and I didn't realize it was PTSD (nor did he, as he always refused to get formal treatment - until recently). I pushed him to tell me why, was convinced he was cheating, couldn't understand, until finally he reached a breaking point and left. My asking, "Why did you do X or Y to me?" was considered 'fighting'. And he could never respond.

I've been up and down since he left in mid-April, he came back once and then disintegrated after 5 days into a full blown rage at me for 2 days. Then left again. Has alternated between wanting to work things out and ignoring me and blowing me off.

Very tiring, very hard. And what I mean to say is: I really really worry about his drinking. He gets into fights, has hurt people, etc. And of course he's out driving around. I feel like it's only a matter of time before something really bad happens.

And I feel you on the not knowing what to do - hang in there? Decide you're really done and mean it? I have to really pay attention to the signs that get sent my way and stop being sentimental. The person I met and fell in love with is gone.

 

[tac1212]

I am very sorry for your struggles. I am just taking things as they come.

A few days after he read my note we talked. He seemed to understand. I've been maintaining distance - he contacts me and we have spent time together and things seemed calm. However, recently he received his back pay from the military - a good amount of money. He had told me about expecting it for months. I (perhaps mistakenly) loaned him money based on him repaying me after receiving his money. At the time I did not know of his propensity for excess, drinking, gambling, those behaviours surfaced over more time. I wasn't worried about him not paying me back because he would often bring it up when we were together and talked about his future plans, etc. We even said that if for some reason we stopped spending time together that the money issue was separate and he would not screw me out of it.

He told me last week that he received it, which seemed good because if he wasn't going to pay me all he would have to do is say he doesn't have it or that he wasn't getting it. But he's been a bit elusive since telling me about it. He sent me a text Tuesday asking me to come by Weds, not mentioning the money specifically but I think we both know that is primarily the reason for getting together. Today he cancelled that, by text and said I would have to come over tomorrow. I said OK and asked if everything was ok and he didn't respond.

The fact that he seems to be putting me off bothers me but I am also worried that he is out indulging himself in an unhealthy way. The little communication we've had I've been very careful not to express disappointment but instead sound very go with the flow and like all is normal. This added weight is awful and I know that whether this issue gets resolved or not I can not continue this friendship. I am trying to deal the best I can but this is so much harder than I ever imagined.