Life?

[WendyA]

I feel like life is passing me by and I am not a part of it. I feel like I am looking at everyone from above and have no way to reach them. I feel like I can have no input in what is happening with other people, but especially my own "existence". I can't even call it a life, I don't have one right now. I am lost and feel alone even with a million people around me. I have a best friend and he is the only one that can reach me, but I can't be with him all the time in the way that keeps me grounded. I get upset when others laugh and have normal conversations. I feel like my kids are suffering and even that is not bringing me out of this. PTSD is so much stronger than me and every day finds new ways to conquer me. This war is far from over and I am trying to keep fighting, but my resources are low. I feel depleted and exhausted and that some days I just can't fight anymore. But somehow I do. I made a promise to my best friend that I would not die, but it is so hard to hold on when every day brings so much pain.

I have some good moments every now and then, mostly all due to him, but it seems that the PTSD, which I swear is "alive", just attacks those good feelings and memories and distorts them. Because the next day or days following a good day or moment(s) are horrible. I almost don't want any good days because I'm afraid of the aftermath. I spend a lot of time on this forum and there are so many stories and feelings like mine. So many people struggling and so many horrible stories, mostly of when they were children. How I wish all children could be safe so they don't grow up with this and how I wish we could all do something to help each other heal collectively right now. I know that is why we are here and that we all have to heal in our own way and at our own rate, but it was just a wish and maybe whoever reads this will know that is what I want for them. I want us to fight together and use this site to arm ourselves in this war that is PTSD. xoxox

 

[Lotusstarr]

Hi Wendy

I just wanted to say that I can relate very much to what you are saying. I am always feeling as though I am just watching on the sidelines, especially when I'm around other people. Like you I have moments that are good, where I feel connected and enjoy the moment. I am holding onto those in hopes that it gets better. As I get better those moments will outweigh the ones where I feel unreal ( I hope). Take care

 

[Mommyof5]

I feel you. I agree with you. I support you.

I mean it.

I feel the same way when experiencing the intense cycles of PTSD. I feel the same way about life, stuck while everything goes in a whirlwind around me. I too, become guilty regarding my children; wishing I were capable of making deep connections with them or wishing I were able to be more present. The worst is when the depression/despair sets in; when you're ready to throw in the towel.

You're not alone, and that is 'it.' We are here to pull each other out of our holes, cages, boxes, rocks-&-hard-places, through the stroke of a key.

I agree, that is awesome, and it is something Real that I can and do feel good about, and heal in the process.

Do feel better. Hang in there. -hugs-