List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

[Pink Rox]

An elderly lady went to the supermarket, she stole 1 tin of pears, she was caught and had to go to court
the magistrate said "How many pears were in the tin?" the elderly lady replied "6" magistrate replied "Well you can do 6 weeks in jail" The husband of the elderly lady stood up and stated " She also stole a can of peas"

 

[Shellbell]

:roflmao: :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

:roflmao: :roflmao:

 

[Privateer]

Nadia, he thought he was playing at a man's funeral. He was actually at a place where workers were putting in a septic tank. He played to the septic tank.

It makes even more sense if you know that the Americans bury their dead in plastic outer boxes that look a bit like septic tanks, as well as just the coffins.

 

[Britt.f7]

That's true Privateer. Didn't even occur to me that it is different any where else. What a duh moment for me.

 

[Grace Hope]

I`ve just been to the gym and there is a new machine. I only used it for an hour before I started to feel sick.

It`s good though, it dose everything, Kitkat, Mars, Snickers, Crisps .......

 

[Whitneys story]

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:

"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back:

"Pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back five minutes later:

"Computer completely screwed up now.":roflmao:

 

[Whitneys story]

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

 

[Whitneys story]

Continued.....The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q.... Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shrek wears on his head

And remember they will complete their education within a year! Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

 

[Grace Hope]

Good advice for christmas​

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when christmas gets stressfull​

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and tence as can be,​

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remember the fairy​

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on top of your tree​

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who always keeps smiling​

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and never looks glum​

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and just think​

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how you`d feel​

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with a tree​

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up your bum.​

 

[Changing4Best]

I saw a video on FB today that featured an old shopping bag lady who was having trouble crossing the street. She was bent over hobbling along slowly with a cane, stopping now and then, every other step maybe. Well this guy in his car sitting at the intersection starts to beep his horn at the poor little old thing impatiently. She whammed his front bumper with her shopping bag and BINGO! His airbag went off! LOL... serves him right! He looked ashamed then too, putting his head down. I'm still laughing as I think on it!

 

[Britt.f7]

I saw a video on FB

I saw that video awhile back. I thought that lady was quite spunky! Reminded me of my grandma. That guy got what he deserved. Hopefully he learned to be patient after that!